Lacking better topics to write about, fake news website goes after the low-hanging fruit of trash talking Monday on a Monday yet again

It’s a slow day, alright?  The idea machine is broken and most of the employees called in sick, because it got cold in winter. Trump’s comments on Meryl Streep’s acting skills have been covered by people who wake up at 5am and the Golden Globes are so shiny, they hurt my eyes. From a remote corner a shy idea winks at me. Could it be anything else than good old Monday? Weekend’s over, gotta go to work. It sucks for you. It sucks for me. Everyone will get it.

Wanna snooze that alarm knowing you’ll be goddamn late? Need a good cup of coffee? Wanna let out some of that existential dread in a socially acceptable way? It’s Monday!

Pair it up with a semi-naked girl with good legs and everybody will be happy to be miserable today. Monday – a day we can all use to redirect our anger. Whether destined to fuel racism or simply turned against loved ones for no good reason, today is the day all the world’s bad moods have a chance to meet the common enemy.

Well, let me tell you one thing, all you inexperienced haters out there just keep focusing on Monday. Leave the Sunday angst to the masters. It’s better that way, trust me.

Once lavish Christmas tree not so cocky anymore as the holidays pass into oblivion

Numerous former Christmas trees, now referred to simply as trees, have been popping up on many a street corner shortly after the winter holidays. Having served their purpose to look cool on social media, evergreens have been released into the urban jungle to fend for themselves.

When questioned, most trees revealed they did not know where it all went wrong between them and their adoptive families. ‘I thought I made them happy’, an already brownish fir confessed. ‘I knew a time would come when they would kick me out of the home, but I thought it would all be a little bit more respectful. Although I have to say, the trash bags have been pretty nice to me so far’, a large pine declared from inside a garbage can.

Hope for returning to their place of origin is pretty dim. ‘I don’t think we’ll grow any of our roots back. It’s a matter of time now’, a broken branch reflected.

Brave, independent woman challenges the online community with a powerful comment to misogynistic post

It’s hard being a woman in the world today and the sad truth is that the patriarchy is not our only adversary. We, women, can be our worst enemies sometimes. Science has proven that womankind is the most judgmental and offensive species on Earth. A theory backed up by facts such as this article posted online yesterday.

makeup

What’s wrong with this post? Quite a bit. First of all, why do women ‘have’ to wear makeup every day? Second, if you pay careful attention you will notice the subversive message hidden in the title: girls who do not wear makeup are lazy. Who are they calling lazy and why? The ties between women and attractiveness have been severed by emancipation. Slaves to the lipstick no more!

One special lady dared to speak out and set the record straight in the comment section of the infamous post:

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While maintaining her anonymity, the full-time nanny commented for our publication: ‘My mother always taught me to stand up for myself and never let anyone tell me I am anything less than good enough. I want to spread this positive vibe. Embrace your inner complexion. We are free now. We can’t just sit around and contour while the white male and the self hating woman paint our future in Candy K colors!’

Three things introverts and extroverts have in common

While everybody knows a genuine introvert is worth three extroverts or vice versa, depending on your taste or whatever, studies show that at the end of the day there is hardly any difference between the two personality types.

Here’s why.

1.Both introverts and extroverts come fully equipped with a set of arms, a set of legs and a pair of eyes. At least, most of the time.

2.Both introverts and extroverts are sent to kindergarten, then to school by someone.

3.Both introverts and extroverts show an increased level of sensitivity to Tom Hardy’s many talents.

legend-tom-hardy-wink

I mean, seriously.

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Dogs against terror: Humans should be microchipped too!

As news about the imminent microchipping of human beings becomes more and more frequent, a voice from the animal kingdom arises to open our eyes on its benefits to the fight against terror. Seizing the opportunity to withhold attention upon their civil liberties issues,  dogs around the world voice their claims through a press release signed by the International Dog Association All Dog`s Lives Matter:

We, dogs of the world, have served you, the people,  for thousands of years and are prepared to continue doing so for all eternity, or until some violent change in evolution will dictate otherwise. Besides harassing cats, this is our most solemn duty. We have accepted that you, the people, in the attempt of limiting our stray population, should microchip us. It doesn’t bother us,  quite the opposite, please do continue research in matters of limiting pain and intensifying psychological support on our team visits to the vet. And yet while we don’t protest against microchips, why should you? Over the past few years great  progress was made in terms of dog freedom and liberties, but on a larger scale we still feel discriminated and patronized. It would be a  fine example of  solidarity, to accept microchipping, while also considering its benefits in the fight against terrorism. With many of us fallen, terrorism is our problem as well. Oh, how we would like to bite guys like that, if only we could locate them. Until we shall sniff the scent of terror, it is important that authorities know the identity, whereabouts and other crucial information on every human being. If our proposal is  faced with resistance, there will be consequences. – alerts the IDA.

So far the public opinion is favorable towards the microchipping of humans. Here are some reactions from social media platforms:

  • As non-human persons, dogs should have all the rights and obligations we have. And vice-versa –  a human rights activist voices his opinion
  • Oooh, look at them speak and articulate woo0rds! They are sooo cute – a hairdresser exclaims
  • Yes, it is a good idea but it can be improved. The chips could work as a freezing device activated by a remote controller. As humans prepare to bomb something, a button could be  pushed  that would  freeze them instantly. Well, not freeze, but more like give them a sudden heart attack – a doctor tweeted

Surprisingly, there were also reported opinions from government officials from the U.S., Russia, China and even Hungary that also embrace the idea of heart-freezing human microchips.

The microchipping of humans might be the most efficient way of fighting terror. It might as well be the only way. The chip will be one of the sacred duties as a citizen or as a visitor to our country. Whoever doesn`t comply will be shot from a distance, the way they do it on Animal Channel. It is a generous idea which proves once more that the dog truly is man`s best friend! –  Robert Krudowsky, military strategist,  political alt-right blogger, conspiracy theory enthusiast and Trump supporter, declared for our magazine.

Written by Lucian Cozma, edited by Ana-Maria Taut

Survey reveals 97% of Rick and Morty fans are certain that Season 3 will not come out in 2016 after all

At midnight, December 31st 2016, planet Earth was surrounded by a most curious sound. It was not the sound of hope for the new beginning, nor the crackling of majestic fireworks exploding against a clear, dark blue sky. It was the sound of millions of hearts breaking. The particular sound of crushed expectation and lost belief, the moment when Rick and Morty fans had to admit to themselves and to each other that Season 3 had failed to drop by the end of 2016 and will never again have the chance to do so.
‘I can’t do this anymore,’ a fan referred to the desperate situation. ‘Where are my episodes, Justin? In bird culture this is considered a dick move’ shouted another one with bloodshot eyes and a broken bottle in his hand. Most people reacted like…such as that. And yet, about 3% of the respondents displayed a completely different type of reaction. When faced with this bitter reality the peculiar group refused to take facts at face value. “2016 cannot be over until the new Rick & Morty season drops. We’re not out of the woods yet and I can prove it mathematically’, a door salesman calmly explained. ‘They promised 100 years of Rick and Morty adventures forever anyway’, an office clerk with unusually long arms tried to steal the spotlight.

Moreover, a subcategory of fans presented the following theory: ‘This is obviously a test of faith. Only by passing it will we be worthy of the masterpiece that is Season 3.’ Others resorted to explain the unexplainable by the creators’ ability to time travel. ‘We can’t let them put this theory on the shelf anymore. Season 3 has aired already in a different dimension, in a different timeline where it is still 2016. Have you learned nothing by now?’ When asked by our reporters whether that theory wasn’t rather a projection of their own wishes, the 3% exclaimed simultaneously: ‘All Moonmen want things their way. It’s so hard to let go of your dreams.’

Written by Ana-Maria Taut with the contribution of Verpeléti András