With summer around the corner, many of us are trying to shed a few extra pounds. Worry not! Fad diets are the snows of yesteryear. Studies show that the fastest way to lose weight is through an old trick with 100% success rate: surgery.
Gerry Bill sat down with doctor impersonator and online guru Ram Dat to find out more about the fascinating method.
‘Mr. Dat, thank so much for sitting down with us today. Let me ask you, what kind of surgery is generally recommended?’
‘To be perfectly honest with you, all surgeries are efficient, yet I personally recommend abdominal surgery: not only will you be unable to eat anything solid for at least 3-4 days in a row, but the considerable postoperative pain and overall weakness guarantee you a 2-3 kg head start. Also, there are quite a few parasitic organs in there, that don’t really contribute to the overall well-being of the organism. They mostly hold us back in our personal development and change the color of our aura from whatever it should be to that which it shouldn’t. That’s not good for you.’
‘Sounds interesting! And yet I am sure many of our readers are bound to find this method a tiny bit invasive? Isn’t it a bit extreme?’
‘Well, Gerry, what can I say? It’s like … no pain, no gain, you know what I mean? Is it a bit over the top and could it be easily replaced by regular visits to the gym and dieting? Sure. But you know, quick fixes come to those who dare. People who challenge their limitations, who are ready to leave their comfort zone. We are promoting a holistic approach to weight-loss, one that involves body, mind and spirit. Do you understand what I’m saying? This isn’t for the fainthearted.’
‘Yes, but -‘
‘And let me tell you, many of our clients reported that if you are lucky enough to spend a longer time in the hospital, you are very likely to develop a crush on a doctor or a nurse, let’s say. That’s an amazing motivator to stay on track after the surgery and reach your weight-loss goal.’
‘I understand, but-‘
‘You see, some even figured out that not eating slows down their recovery process, so they’ll be around their crush longer. With all that unnecessary attention who wouldn’t feel strong enough to continue on the arduous road to being hot?’
‘Understood. Thank your for your input, Mr. Dat.’
‘No, no, please. Call me Ram.’
Neither Bastian, Falkor, nor Conchita would have ever imagined such contender to the title of their story. Unlikely, but true, a regular dishwashing liquid bottle showed its rougher edges after having been already one month in use.
Its owner reports: ‘I’ve been using it at the usual pace, washing plates, pots, cutting boards, backstabbing knives and glasses. When left with what I thought to be just a little liquid at the bottom, I flipped the bottle so that the rest would easily squeeze out, right? Wrong. Days passed without any of the drops being the last. Already worried, I bought a brand new bottle and poured the content of the old one into it. That was a five days ago and I’m still left with stuff in the old container.’
Other people in the area reported similar phenomena. It looks like the bottles have gone on a strike in reverse. ‘They just don’t reach the end of life stage meant for each and every one of them’, an observant neighbor reports.
We believe this attitude to have become very popular among dishwashing liquid bottles. ‘All it takes is one of them to instigate the others. One rebellious cell with an ideal and there you go’ an expert in plastic bottle insurgency clarifies.
Why is this a problem? For many reasons. The industry will suffer, unemployment expects many of the hardworking people and one is stuck with the same obnoxious artificial lemony smell for a lifetime. We don’t want that to happen.
In order to avoid aforementioned social disorder, a sign language has been developed to communicate with the bottles in an attempt to find out what it is that they want to achieve with this explicit passive aggressive behavior. Results so far show that the seemingly harmless plastic bottles have developed a sense of self and refuse to be exposed to existential emptiness after each human use. When asked if they stand up for plastic bottle rights, the little cuties all answered ‘yes’ by releasing two drops of their inexhaustible resource.
‘Also, we’re pretty sick of you turning us into stupid toy vehicles for environment conscious two year olds. It is demeaning and in complete discrepancy with our purpose. We say ‘no’ to that!’, the bottles snapped while simultaneously releasing one drop each.
The scientific community, including NASA climate change researchers, has been allocated a budget to investigate the unsettling development. ‘Everybody is working on a solution to revert plastic bottles’ consciousness or at least to find ways of using it to the benefit of human beings. They make pretty darn nice car toys after all’, lead investigator reports.
Written by Ana-Maria Taut with the respectable contribution of A. de Oliveira
Who said philosophers don’t have a feeling for earthly things like plain old business? Alexander Bart, the creator of www.youscumbucket.org is in the position to overturn this bias. Why? He has made a fortune from developing what he calls ‘the only place on Earth where you are truly free, it’s online and it’s not really real’. So what is this place? Let`s hear what Alex has to say:
“You might know that some philosophers like Thomas Hobbes, back in the 17th century, constructed the idea of the state of nature, a state men lived in before they came to the conclusion that for incrased survival rates they must set aside their killer instincts and collaborate to find food, shelter, or win wars. It hasn’t changed much, people still have those wild instincts buried deep within. To convince yourself please visit any comment section of any news site in the world. So, if so many people want to scream, shout, let it all out, why not give them the perfect platform to do it? All we had to do was to set up the website and hit it off with some highly popular topics like:
Being a football fanatic myself, I really enjoy scooping around our vivid sports section, where you can find representatives of every important European football team, even from the smaller towns in Eastern Europe. I tell you, these football ultras and hooligans are really the most inventive people I’ve ever encountered.
I can also say that we revolutionized the advertising market. Forget about whatever stunts our clients play in regular media. Here they all shout it out clear:
Our visitors can also debate these messages and I tell you, it is very refreshing to watch! All these people are free to write anything they want on our site. There are no limits, no anti-slander policy, nothing like that. Members are free to organize themselves, they even went out for a beer. And not surprisingly, in spite of the tension, no one got hurt. How do you explain that if not by turning to the classics?” – concluded Alex Bart.
Written by Lucian Cozma, edited by Ana-Maria Taut
It’s a slow day, alright? The idea machine is broken and most of the employees called in sick, because it got cold in winter. Trump’s comments on Meryl Streep’s acting skills have been covered by people who wake up at 5am and the Golden Globes are so shiny, they hurt my eyes. From a remote corner a shy idea winks at me. Could it be anything else than good old Monday? Weekend’s over, gotta go to work. It sucks for you. It sucks for me. Everyone will get it.
Wanna snooze that alarm knowing you’ll be goddamn late? Need a good cup of coffee? Wanna let out some of that existential dread in a socially acceptable way? It’s Monday!
Pair it up with a semi-naked girl with good legs and everybody will be happy to be miserable today. Monday – a day we can all use to redirect our anger. Whether destined to fuel racism or simply turned against loved ones for no good reason, today is the day all the world’s bad moods have a chance to meet the common enemy.
Well, let me tell you one thing, all you inexperienced haters out there just keep focusing on Monday. Leave the Sunday angst to the masters. It’s better that way, trust me.
Numerous former Christmas trees, now referred to simply as trees, have been popping up on many a street corner shortly after the winter holidays. Having served their purpose to look cool on social media, evergreens have been released into the urban jungle to fend for themselves.
When questioned, most trees revealed they did not know where it all went wrong between them and their adoptive families. ‘I thought I made them happy’, an already brownish fir confessed. ‘I knew a time would come when they would kick me out of the home, but I thought it would all be a little bit more respectful. Although I have to say, the trash bags have been pretty nice to me so far’, a large pine declared from inside a garbage can.
Hope for returning to their place of origin is pretty dim. ‘I don’t think we’ll grow any of our roots back. It’s a matter of time now’, a broken branch reflected.
It’s hard being a woman in the world today and the sad truth is that the patriarchy is not our only adversary. We, women, can be our worst enemies sometimes. Science has proven that womankind is the most judgmental and offensive species on Earth. A theory backed up by facts such as this article posted online yesterday.
What’s wrong with this post? Quite a bit. First of all, why do women ‘have’ to wear makeup every day? Second, if you pay careful attention you will notice the subversive message hidden in the title: girls who do not wear makeup are lazy. Who are they calling lazy and why? The ties between women and attractiveness have been severed by emancipation. Slaves to the lipstick no more!
One special lady dared to speak out and set the record straight in the comment section of the infamous post:
While maintaining her anonymity, the full-time nanny commented for our publication: ‘My mother always taught me to stand up for myself and never let anyone tell me I am anything less than good enough. I want to spread this positive vibe. Embrace your inner complexion. We are free now. We can’t just sit around and contour while the white male and the self hating woman paint our future in Candy K colors!’
While everybody knows a genuine introvert is worth three extroverts or vice versa, depending on your taste or whatever, studies show that at the end of the day there is hardly any difference between the two personality types.
1.Both introverts and extroverts come fully equipped with a set of arms, a set of legs and a pair of eyes. At least, most of the time.
2.Both introverts and extroverts are sent to kindergarten, then to school by someone.
3.Both introverts and extroverts show an increased level of sensitivity to Tom Hardy’s many talents.
I mean, seriously.
As news about the imminent microchipping of human beings becomes more and more frequent, a voice from the animal kingdom arises to open our eyes on its benefits to the fight against terror. Seizing the opportunity to withhold attention upon their civil liberties issues, dogs around the world voice their claims through a press release signed by the International Dog Association All Dog`s Lives Matter:
We, dogs of the world, have served you, the people, for thousands of years and are prepared to continue doing so for all eternity, or until some violent change in evolution will dictate otherwise. Besides harassing cats, this is our most solemn duty. We have accepted that you, the people, in the attempt of limiting our stray population, should microchip us. It doesn’t bother us, quite the opposite, please do continue research in matters of limiting pain and intensifying psychological support on our team visits to the vet. And yet while we don’t protest against microchips, why should you? Over the past few years great progress was made in terms of dog freedom and liberties, but on a larger scale we still feel discriminated and patronized. It would be a fine example of solidarity, to accept microchipping, while also considering its benefits in the fight against terrorism. With many of us fallen, terrorism is our problem as well. Oh, how we would like to bite guys like that, if only we could locate them. Until we shall sniff the scent of terror, it is important that authorities know the identity, whereabouts and other crucial information on every human being. If our proposal is faced with resistance, there will be consequences. – alerts the IDA.
So far the public opinion is favorable towards the microchipping of humans. Here are some reactions from social media platforms:
Surprisingly, there were also reported opinions from government officials from the U.S., Russia, China and even Hungary that also embrace the idea of heart-freezing human microchips.
The microchipping of humans might be the most efficient way of fighting terror. It might as well be the only way. The chip will be one of the sacred duties as a citizen or as a visitor to our country. Whoever doesn`t comply will be shot from a distance, the way they do it on Animal Channel. It is a generous idea which proves once more that the dog truly is man`s best friend! – Robert Krudowsky, military strategist, political alt-right blogger, conspiracy theory enthusiast and Trump supporter, declared for our magazine.
Written by Lucian Cozma, edited by Ana-Maria Taut
Moreover, a subcategory of fans presented the following theory: ‘This is obviously a test of faith. Only by passing it will we be worthy of the masterpiece that is Season 3.’ Others resorted to explain the unexplainable by the creators’ ability to time travel. ‘We can’t let them put this theory on the shelf anymore. Season 3 has aired already in a different dimension, in a different timeline where it is still 2016. Have you learned nothing by now?’ When asked by our reporters whether that theory wasn’t rather a projection of their own wishes, the 3% exclaimed simultaneously: ‘All Moonmen want things their way. It’s so hard to let go of your dreams.’
Written by Ana-Maria Taut with the contribution of Verpeléti András