The Accommodationist Church releases new, simplified version of the Bible: The Convenient International Version out today

dusty-bible-rgb_1

After watching the number of churchgoers decline drastically over the past few decades, the Accommodationist Church decided to take matters into its own hands in an attempt to turn things around. One of the first innovations in a long row of changes was to bring the Bible closer to the people. How does the Church hope to accomplish that?

‘Considering that the Bible was once the number one bestseller in the world, we decided to bring it back to its old success’, the Church’s spokesperson, Mr. Egon Trip,  explains. ‘It has been decided to cut down large chunks of the Old Testament, take Leviticus, for example. Sweet heavens! Can we stop pretending we care about offerings in the Tabernacle? Let’s face it. It’s pretty dry! Also, do we really need four accounts of the Passion of Christ? Just think about it.’

Not only will several books be removed, mostly from the Historical Books of the Old Testament – yawn -, but an overall reshaped message is being sent out to believers everywhere. ‘We feel that for a long time the focus of the Christian Faith lied outside of the human interest, pointing to this or that aspect of Divinity and the human’s duty to live in accordance with the Law. With the Convenient International Version we put a new spin on this old concept. We want to let people around the world know that the Church is decreasing the responsibilities of the believer and increasing his/her rights considerably. Yes, we are willing to renegotiate the terms of the contract, take some power away from God and give it to the Ego. It’s a savage world out there and we need to please churchgoers, if we want to keep them.’

When asked if there are other strategies in place to attract new followers, Mr. Trip informed us that a  new CIV Bible App is on its way, where readers across the world can crop out passages that are uncomfortable or don’t match exactly with the realities of their own lives causing them internal distress. ‘We are working on giving our followers the freedom to customize the Scripture according to their personal beliefs. It’s basically faith made affordable.’ The app will be available for free with a few in-app purchases for those who want to meet the Church halfway. Don’t hesitate.

Over the next few months it is expected that numbers of followers on Instagram will increase considerably. The Church also hopes to finally come to an agreement with the world, so that everyone is happy. ‘We aim for a win-win situation. You restore the Church’s authority and we tell you all about what you are willing to hear.’

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, with the respectable contribution of Gabriel Fugazi

Unnecessary minimally invasive surgery: the latest trend in the weight-loss industry

31021726_l

With summer around the corner, many of us are trying to shed a few extra pounds. Worry not! Fad diets are the snows of yesteryear. Studies show that the fastest way to lose weight is through an old trick with 100% success rate: surgery.

Gerry Bill sat down with doctor impersonator and online guru Ram Dat to find out more about the fascinating method.

‘Mr. Dat, thank so much for sitting down with us today. Let me ask you, what kind of surgery is generally recommended?’

‘To be perfectly honest with you, all surgeries are efficient, yet I personally recommend abdominal surgery: not only will you be unable to eat anything solid for at least 3-4 days in a row, but the considerable postoperative pain and overall weakness guarantee you a 2-3 kg head start. Also, there are quite a few parasitic organs in there, that don’t really contribute to the overall well-being of the organism. They mostly hold us back in our personal development and change the color of our aura from whatever it should be to that which it shouldn’t. That’s not good for you.’

‘Sounds interesting! And yet I am sure many of our readers are bound to find this method a tiny bit invasive?  Isn’t it a bit extreme?’

‘Well, Gerry, what can I say? It’s like … no pain, no gain, you know what I mean? Is it a bit over the top and could it be easily replaced by regular visits to the gym and dieting? Sure. But you know, quick fixes come to those who dare. People who challenge their limitations, who are ready to leave their comfort zone. We are promoting a holistic approach to weight-loss, one that involves body, mind and spirit. Do you understand what I’m saying? This isn’t for the fainthearted.’

‘Yes, but -‘

‘And let me tell you, many of our clients reported that if you are lucky enough to spend a longer time in the hospital, you are very likely to develop a crush on a doctor or a nurse, let’s say. That’s an amazing motivator to stay on track after the surgery and reach your weight-loss goal.’

‘I understand, but-‘

‘You see, some even figured out that not eating slows down their recovery process, so they’ll be around their crush longer. With all that unnecessary attention who wouldn’t feel strong enough to continue on the arduous road to being hot?’

‘Understood. Thank your for your input, Mr. Dat.’

‘No, no, please. Call me Ram.’

The neverending soap opera

8c836afc-f314-4a29-850a-566b73ca65bd_1.bc3873b347168e7d1a8bc33a4f22197b.jpeg

Neither Bastian, Falkor, nor Conchita would have ever imagined such contender to the title of their story. Unlikely, but true, a regular dishwashing liquid bottle showed its rougher edges after having been already one month in use.

Its owner reports: ‘I’ve been using it at the usual pace, washing plates, pots, cutting boards, backstabbing knives and glasses. When left with what I thought to be just a little liquid at the bottom, I flipped the bottle so that the rest would easily squeeze out, right? Wrong. Days passed without any of the drops being the last. Already worried, I bought a brand new bottle and poured the content of the old one into it. That was a five days ago and I’m still left with stuff in the old container.’

Other people in the area reported similar phenomena. It looks like the bottles have gone on a strike in reverse. ‘They just don’t reach the end of life stage meant for each and every one of them’, an observant neighbor reports.

We believe this attitude to have become very popular among dishwashing liquid bottles. ‘All it takes is one of them to instigate the others. One rebellious cell with an ideal and there you go’ an expert in plastic bottle insurgency clarifies.

Why is this a problem? For many reasons. The industry will suffer, unemployment  expects many of the hardworking people and one is stuck with the same obnoxious artificial lemony smell for a lifetime. We don’t want that to happen.

In order to avoid aforementioned social disorder, a sign language has been developed to communicate with the bottles in an attempt to find out what it is that they want to achieve with this explicit passive aggressive behavior. Results so far show that the seemingly harmless plastic bottles have developed a sense of self and refuse to be exposed to existential emptiness after each human use. When asked if they stand up for plastic bottle rights, the little cuties all answered ‘yes’ by releasing two drops of their inexhaustible resource.

‘Also, we’re pretty sick of you turning us into stupid toy vehicles for environment conscious two year olds. It is demeaning and in complete discrepancy with our purpose. We say ‘no’ to that!’, the bottles snapped while simultaneously releasing one drop each.

The scientific community, including NASA climate change researchers, has been allocated a budget to investigate the unsettling development. ‘Everybody is working on a solution to revert plastic bottles’ consciousness or at least to find ways of using it to the benefit of human beings. They make pretty darn nice car toys after all’, lead investigator reports.

047fae1884d18efcc999453b3dc44ade.jpg

Written by Ana-Maria Taut with the respectable contribution of A. de Oliveira

At last, internet freedom is possible: All you can say, free of charge!

Who said philosophers don’t have a feeling for earthly things like plain old business?  Alexander Bart, the creator of www.youscumbucket.org  is in the position to overturn this bias. Why? He has made a fortune from developing what he calls ‘the only place on Earth where you are truly free, it’s online and it’s not really real’. So what is this place? Let`s hear what Alex has to say:

“You might know that some philosophers like Thomas Hobbes, back in the 17th century, constructed the idea of the state of nature,  a state men lived in before they came to the conclusion that for incrased survival rates they must set aside their killer instincts and collaborate to find food, shelter, or win wars. It hasn’t changed much, people still have those wild instincts buried deep within. To convince yourself please visit any comment section of any news site in the world. So, if so many people want to scream, shout, let it all out, why not give them the perfect platform to do it? All we had to do was to set up the website and hit it off with some highly popular topics like:

  • What would Donald do?
  • Favorite curses
  • Who needs punishment?
  • What would I do to your…(mother, sister, father, uncle), if I could
  • Who is the alien that plans to rule the world?
  • All about Jews
  • All about Freemasons
  • Best and worst nationalities
  • Fake religions
  • I`m just glad i`m white

Being a football fanatic myself, I really enjoy scooping around our vivid sports section, where you can find representatives of every important European football team, even from the smaller towns in Eastern Europe. I tell you, these football ultras and hooligans are really the most inventive people I’ve ever encountered.

I can  also say that we revolutionized  the advertising market. Forget about whatever stunts our clients play in regular media. Here they all shout it out clear:

  • We don`t give a s**t about the ozone layer
  • Forests and wild animals belong in botanical gardens and zoos
  • Point out on our live cam which leopard should be your mistresses’ next fur coat
  • We keep the oil prices high so you get even poorer
  • We put over 50 secret chemicals in each and every one of our products

Our visitors can also debate these messages and I tell you, it is very refreshing to watch!  All these people are free to write anything they want on our site. There are no limits, no anti-slander policy, nothing like that. Members are free to organize themselves, they even went out for a beer. And not surprisingly, in spite of the tension, no one got hurt. How do you explain that if not by turning to the classics?” – concluded Alex Bart.

Written by Lucian Cozma, edited by Ana-Maria Taut

Lacking better topics to write about, fake news website goes after the low-hanging fruit of trash talking Monday on a Monday yet again

It’s a slow day, alright?  The idea machine is broken and most of the employees called in sick, because it got cold in winter. Trump’s comments on Meryl Streep’s acting skills have been covered by people who wake up at 5am and the Golden Globes are so shiny, they hurt my eyes. From a remote corner a shy idea winks at me. Could it be anything else than good old Monday? Weekend’s over, gotta go to work. It sucks for you. It sucks for me. Everyone will get it.

Wanna snooze that alarm knowing you’ll be goddamn late? Need a good cup of coffee? Wanna let out some of that existential dread in a socially acceptable way? It’s Monday!

Pair it up with a semi-naked girl with good legs and everybody will be happy to be miserable today. Monday – a day we can all use to redirect our anger. Whether destined to fuel racism or simply turned against loved ones for no good reason, today is the day all the world’s bad moods have a chance to meet the common enemy.

Well, let me tell you one thing, all you inexperienced haters out there just keep focusing on Monday. Leave the Sunday angst to the masters. It’s better that way, trust me.

Once lavish Christmas tree not so cocky anymore as the holidays pass into oblivion

Numerous former Christmas trees, now referred to simply as trees, have been popping up on many a street corner shortly after the winter holidays. Having served their purpose to look cool on social media, evergreens have been released into the urban jungle to fend for themselves.

When questioned, most trees revealed they did not know where it all went wrong between them and their adoptive families. ‘I thought I made them happy’, an already brownish fir confessed. ‘I knew a time would come when they would kick me out of the home, but I thought it would all be a little bit more respectful. Although I have to say, the trash bags have been pretty nice to me so far’, a large pine declared from inside a garbage can.

Hope for returning to their place of origin is pretty dim. ‘I don’t think we’ll grow any of our roots back. It’s a matter of time now’, a broken branch reflected.