British scientists have officially confirmed that which every sensible human was already aware of. Following a study spanning over two decades, it has been firmly established that repeatedly pressing the button on public transportation before the vehicle has even made it into station, increases the arrival speed by 72%. On average, extra nervousness and impatience make up for another 15 %. You’ll get wherever you want to be simply by continuously pushing.
‘Remember it is important to start pressing the buttons before the lights go on. Thus the system will understand your desire to speed up the process and hurry you to your destination. It may or may not be the next station’, British researcher Ph.D. Tardy informs our reporter.
‘It’s a small trick we all seem to have had in our blood long before fancy scientists (recently divorced from the European canon, no less) confirmed its efficiency’, daily commuter Ms. Waits, commented on a post by The Morning Sunset this afternoon.
When asked about the methods used to arrive to the aforementioned conclusion, British scientists advised the media that it was mainly common sense, an educated guess, and a fair amount of stout. ‘Hey, nobody really pushed our buttons for expedition, so we just enjoyed the ride. Cheers!’
Paul D. is desperate. The extremely hot weather has really gotten to him, so in an attempt to end his ordeal, he tried to copy his friend’s Luke C’s recipe: he tried to catch a cold. „My friend Luke caught a cold, I really don`t know how he did it, he won`t tell. But the lucky bastard doesn’t mind the red code heat alerts because he has something like a fever condition, and from time to time he is shivering with cold. He even refuses to take medication because he doesn’t want to feel the devastating effects of the Saharan weather that has hit us”, says Paul. In the attempt of trying to catch that cold, he has applied multiple plans. „I drank form the same beer bottle as Luke. Nothing. I didn’t insist with the fluid exchange because, you know… So, I ran for about 2 kilometres and immediately got under an air conditioning machine in a store. No cold, just extreme back pain. I tried eating rapidly lots of ice cream. Nothing, just a little bit more belly fat . I tried cold showers. Nothing apart from a temporary lack of libido. Just temporary, I assure you”, explains the unfortunate Paul. He wanted to add that during this time he wished to have never met his wife, Roxanne, because she can’t stand the air conditioning, thus he has to withstand 40 degrees C with the endurance of a Stoic. Ugh.
On the other hand, Luke is feeling „fine and special. I like being cold in this hot weather. Now I can say that I feel great! Okay, I may be a little dizzy, but I really don`t mind. I practically don’t know how I got this cold, but I´m trying hard to nail the perfect contributors down. Have I told you that I feel special? A neighbour just told be that only real men catch a cold in summer. I feel proud of myself!”– explained Luke.
So, if you want to chill during this awfully hot atmosphere and you don`t have your own air conditioning machine, be like Luke and catch a cold. After all, you are a responsible citizen and you can’t spend your days and nights drinking beer somewhere outside, in a nice outdoor pub that has some tables put under a nice, thick shade.
Written by Lucian Cozma, edited by Ana-Maria Taut.
‘From A Room: Volume 2’ may be closer than we think with fresh symptoms of heartache intensifying in the Stapletonian chest cavity. Area woman, Audrey-Anne Truman, reportedly backed out of marrying the country superstar after he proposed to her over the weekend.
‘I was on YouTube, reading through the comments to my song ‘Your Man’ and there was this really, really special lady who wrote a couple of words, they resonated with me, you know? I was won over by their simplicity. She said ‘Marry me, Chris’ and I just knew, I knew I had to do it. So I called her up and we met the next day. Everything was awesome. She told me upfront she had a problem, but it ain’t like what you think. She said she drinks because she’s lonesome or lonesome because she drinks, I am not sure, but hey, I told her to fire away, and that’s all that I’ll say about this for now.
We were Vegas bound the next day, when she just got out of the car and walked into the cornfield never to return. She left me there with a whole lot of whiskey and no you, if you know what I mean. Why would anyone do such thing?’
We managed to reach Audrey-Anne and ask her why she had to go and break Chris’ heart. Her honesty was disarming: ‘I never thought he would actually do it when I left that comment. It was all a huge misunderstanding. I wanted to meet him mostly to have a sip of that Tennessee whiskey of his. Not so much into strawberry wine, though, so I thought I’d split while it wasn’t too late. Trust me, when his new record comes out, you’re gonna stand on this porch and thank me.’
Later when trying to reach Chris again, the call went straight to voicemail. The welcome message had been already changed to: ‘Seen my share of broken halos, folded wings that used to fly, they’ve all gone wherever they go, broken halos that used to shine.’
Seconds later the whole office burst into song: ‘Don’t go looking for the reasons, don’t go asking Jesus why, we’re not meant to know the answers, they belong to the by and by.’
Pretty much it, folks. Pretty much it.
‘Some pigeons’ audacity is hard to describe. I have been feeding the birds for a decade and never even heard of anything remotely as absurd as this’, bakery owner Brad N. Buttler declared. ‘I feed the pigeons at least twice a day, putting my business on the line and fighting the local authorities in order to keep my feathery friends by my side. One day I see this grey, pathetic loser, whose right to bear names I have already taken away, I see him turn his back at my breadcrumbs. I had to get my wife to translate as I don’t speak bird-language. You can imagine how wonderfully pleasant that must have been to begin with. But I did it, okay? I had her ask this sad excuse for a pigeon what’s wrong. He starts whining that he’s been diagnosed with gluten intolerance and cannot continue eating wheat, rye or barley containing products. What? Who does he think he is? Better than the rest of us? Does he think I’m gonna start baking some kind of special bread for him? So I called the police and handed him over. Have you seen the kind of mess pigeons leave behind in the square anyway? They’re practically winged shitting machines. The authorities just love to nuke them. Ungrateful little prick!’
Indeed the pigeon was banned from hanging out in the city center with his friends and had to resign himself to making new ones at the periphery. ‘It’s not too bad here. There’s two other pigeons just like me and we usually spend our time searching for gluten free food in order to survive. All in all I lost 50 grams since I was diagnosed and many exiled birds in the area have repeatedly referred to me as ‘handsome’ and ‘hot’. I don’t miss the bakery at all, but given half a chance, I would happily stoop low enough to be able to shit on a certain baker’s face.’
‘We are Spanish, thus awesome’, Juan Miguel Angel de la Cruz y Sandoval, an experienced banker who initiated the project, explains. ‘We are constantly concerned with the well-being of our fellow citizens, especially women who struggle to make a living on their own. We want to support them, show them we appreciate the efforts they make to serve our society and themselves. This project is the result of over a year of negotiations with banks across Spain. I hereby salute their openness and enthusiasm.
How does it work? It’s pretty simple. We have split the amount of money we pour into women’s accounts according to a few categories. Every time someone calls a lady ‘guapa’ we add 50 cents. The amounts increase as the term of endearment gets more gratifying: there’s 75 cents for ‘cariño’ or ‘cielito’; 1 Euro for ‘corazón’ or ‘preciosa’ in it for them. ‘Reina’ is rewarded with a fiver.
This is a socio-economic project, of course. We want to boost women’s self esteem and reduce sexism. What’s in it for the men? Men get the same amount of the women’s monthly gains with the possibility of increasing that amount as the usage of the aforementioned terms grows. To account for this we have created a ‘Cielitometer’ where you can clock in every time someone says something nice to you or you say something sweet to someone. It is trust based, obviously. How else could it work?
We put a great amount of hope in this project: boosting the economy and encouraging people to be nice to each other. Did I mention the Spanish nation is just incredible in every way? I guess I did. Well then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my daily swim in the sea. Stay tuned!’
A topic that strikes a chord with everyone, traumatic events in the media and across the globe that affect everyone’s life one way or another – this is our commodity. Here at MTV we strive to turn pain into profit. Following the pre-established pattern of highly successful reality shows, we want to bring the public closer to stars’ struggle with depression and substance abuse. We want to show the world that everyone is human, vulnerable and that no matter how much you have accomplished in life you are never more than two steps away from the void.
The concept is to get stars who find themselves in a dark place to open up and follow their evolution unto death. The pressure of exposure should fast forward the completion of this task. Obviously, this is an interactive program. People can vote and root for their favorite artist to stay alive or encourage their least favorite to just go ahead and do it. We want our public to witness firsthand that nobody, no matter how talented and/or rich, is really any better than their own despair.
We had this concept in mind ever since Cobain’s death. It was supposed to be the new and rawer version of Unplugged, if you know what I mean, but the times were not ripe back then and people would probably not be able to understand this kind of edgy concept. Things have changed now and people are ready to move on from sex, as the major motor of entertainment, to death.
Depression, hopelessness, anxiety – is there anyone out there unfamiliar with these terms? Has anyone out there not lost someone they loved in one way or another? Mark my words, this is an unprecedentedly generous cash cow – Monday to Friday from 8pm central until someone kills themselves.
‘I was sleeping peacefully by Beatrice’s side when I felt a sharp nudge in my heart. The good people of Earth needed me. It seems like they have been invaded by a horrendous musical style that spreads across the world faster than the bubonic plague. Despair not! I have risen from the dead to bring hope and inform you about the tenth circle of hell under construction right now, dedicated to the people who produce, promote and spread this music across the globe. Despacito, but surely, they will all end up here. And their punishment will be merciless. We’re in the process of obtaining legal rights for Ed Sheeran’s ‘Shape of you’ to be played there for all eternity.’
Virgil’s ghost flickered on the horizon confirming Dante’s promises. ‘It’s basically all a matter of patience and not leaving your house. Go to the library, read a book. Turn off the radio. Listen to metal.’
The great Medieval poet made no comments on the punishment that awaits reggaeton fans. It is highly likely though, that they will get to spend some time in Purgatory thinking about the choices they made while alive.
Not even two years on the market and the Flyaway airline company is pushing the envelope when it comes to the comfort and security of its customers. The company’s spokesperson announced early this morning the introduction of a game-changing service.
‘The all you can sleep approach is dedicated to our tired customers, to the sleepy, lower middle class willing to put its comfort on the line to make it to destination. We want to show the world that sometimes not very rich people matter. Basically, it works like this: one of our prettier stewardesses checks on the passengers about 15 minutes before the scheduled landing. If there’s anyone sleeping, we’re just gonna stay up in the air until their sleep cycle is completed. Did you know that lack of sleep causes more illness worldwide than smoking? Me neither. So while some of our passengers are asleep we will entertain the others with relaxing massages and soft music. The plane will soar like an eagle until every single one of its passengers is well rested.’
The Flyaway initiative has been greeted with a lot of enthusiasm, selling out tickets to several destinations in a matter of minutes.
‘I haven’t had a real chance to rest in a very long time’, Jed Lagge, a devoted customer opens up. ‘This measure comes as a true blessing to many of us. I must say, I have never felt so respected in my life.’
‘We don’t intend to stop here’ the company’s spokesperson adds. ‘Our research team is working on developing the possibility to make this service available for our pilots too. If you prick them, do they not bleed?’
I read a few words of wisdom once on the bathroom wall of a ruin bar where wit is most at home. The sentence, simple and direct, said : ‘I hope this message finds you in a good place, but if not, then make it one.’ It was a step up from the many phone numbers left there by trusting men hoping for the magic of a callback.
Being in a bad place can mean a lot of things, needless to say not all related to a geographical location. It can mean, for example, reaching a point one would describe as rock bottom or, for increased dramatic effect, a place where one believes to have nothing left to lose. This, of course, is rarely the case. And still, a bad place is a bad place, regardless of the reason and going through it is tough. Clearly, we have much less control over things in and outside of our lives than we’d like to acknowledge, but not little enough to be absolved of the responsibility of making choices. Or not making them, which is also a choice, I read that somewhere on the internet.
I don’t believe dreams come true, although I like the phrase, because it’s cute. I believe something can be important enough to channel your will and your determination so that you will make it happen. It can work or it can fail. When it does you’re brave and inspiring, when it doesn’t you’re stupid. I am positive everybody has a fair amount of both in them. Dreams don’t come true, but the possibility for change exists. It comes slow and in small doses, but not small enough to be dismissed.
I am also distrustful of the concept of starting over. Changing cities doesn’t alter the past or the substance of who one is, good and bad. Everything goes with you. A different location doesn’t fundamentally reshape one’s character or existential experience. Everywhere people are born and people die. Everywhere, everyone asks more or less the same questions to which nobody has a definitive answer. And there’s a lot of dirt in the sea water in summer left behind by people who treat the sea like a source of entertainment and garbage at the same time. There’s a special place in hell for you, Dante just texted me to confirm.
I believe the point in doing anything is the commitment to it paired with the willingness to pull it through. As an absolute procrastinator, daydreamer and undisciplined lazybone, I know pretty well how hard that is. And boring. Consistency is very boring. You have to plan, worry, and sometimes even pack.
On a different note, maybe a not too shabby definition of growing up is realizing there are things we cannot have despite our strong feeling of entitlement. We usually understand this after great loss, but if we’re lucky, we’re encouraged by patience. And I believe patience brings humility, which, in my opinion, opens an endless possibility for beauty.
I love the city of Barcelona. I have since the moment I first set foot here. And it is an incredible joy to be able to live here, to spend my days without the thought of time passing and me having to leave, to see how friendly and open the city is even when completely deserted on a Sunday morning, how mesmerizing the sea even when full of plastic bags.
I believe we can turn a bad place into a good one by making decisions and respecting them. It doesn’t change much in the bigger picture, I know. It is pretty clear from the get go that life is a losing game. We are all going to die.
But is that a reason not to live (in the cities of our dreams)?