In the wake of multiple high profile suicides MTV decides to go ahead and air the cutting-edge ‘Who will die next’ reality show

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A topic that strikes a chord with everyone, traumatic events in the media and across the globe that affect everyone’s life one way or another – this is our commodity. Here at MTV we strive to turn pain into profit. Following the pre-established pattern of highly successful reality shows, we want to bring the public closer to stars’ struggle with depression and substance abuse. We want to show the world that everyone is human, vulnerable and that no matter how much you have accomplished in life you are never more than two steps away from the void.

The concept is to get stars who find themselves in a dark place to open up and follow their evolution unto death. The pressure of exposure should fast forward the completion of this task. Obviously, this is an interactive program. People can vote and root for their favorite artist to stay alive or encourage their least favorite to just go ahead and do it. We want our public to witness firsthand that nobody, no matter how talented and/or rich, is really any better than their own despair.

We had this concept in mind ever since Cobain’s death. It was supposed to be the new and rawer version of Unplugged, if you know what I mean, but the times were not ripe back then and people would probably not be able to understand this kind of edgy concept. Things have changed now and people are ready to move on from sex, as the major motor of entertainment, to death.

Depression, hopelessness, anxiety – is there anyone out there unfamiliar with these terms? Has anyone out there not lost someone they loved in one way or another? Mark my words, this is an unprecedentedly generous cash cow – Monday to Friday from 8pm central until someone kills themselves.

Tune in!

 

 

 

Italian Medieval poet Dante Alighieri returns from the dead to report on a new circle of hell destined to people in the Reggaeton industry

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‘I was sleeping peacefully by Beatrice’s side when I felt a sharp nudge in my heart. The good people of Earth needed me. It seems like they have been invaded by a horrendous musical style that spreads across the world faster than the bubonic plague. Despair not! I have risen from the dead to bring hope and inform you about the tenth circle of hell under construction right now, dedicated to the people who produce, promote and spread this music across the globe. Despacito, but surely, they will all end up here. And their punishment will be merciless. We’re in the process of obtaining legal rights for Ed Sheeran’s ‘Shape of you’ to be played there for all eternity.’

Virgil’s ghost flickered on the horizon confirming Dante’s promises. ‘It’s basically all a matter of patience and not leaving your house. Go to the library, read a book. Turn off the radio. Listen to metal.’

The great Medieval poet made no comments on the punishment that awaits reggaeton fans. It is highly likely though, that they will get to spend some time in Purgatory thinking about the choices they made while alive.

 

European airline takes flying experience to a whole new level by introducing the revolutionary ‘all you can sleep’ service

 

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Not even two years on the market and the Flyaway airline company is pushing the envelope when it comes to the comfort and security of its customers. The company’s spokesperson announced early this morning the introduction of a game-changing service.

‘The all you can sleep approach is dedicated to our tired customers, to the sleepy, lower middle class willing to put its comfort on the line to make it to destination. We want to show the world that sometimes not very rich people matter. Basically, it works like this: one of our prettier stewardesses checks on the passengers about 15 minutes before the scheduled landing. If there’s anyone sleeping, we’re just gonna stay up in the air until their sleep cycle is completed. Did you know that lack of sleep causes more illness worldwide than smoking? Me neither. So while some of our passengers are asleep we will entertain the others with relaxing massages and soft music. The plane will soar like an eagle until every single one of its passengers is well rested.’

The Flyaway initiative has been greeted with a lot of enthusiasm, selling out tickets to several destinations in a matter of minutes.

‘I haven’t had a real chance to rest in a very long time’, Jed Lagge, a devoted customer opens up. ‘This measure comes as a true blessing to many of us. I must say, I have never felt so respected in my life.’

‘We don’t intend to stop here’ the company’s spokesperson adds. ‘Our research team is working on developing the possibility to make this service available for our pilots too. If you prick them, do they not bleed?’

 

 

 

 

Barcelona, day 1

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I read a few words of wisdom once on the bathroom wall of a ruin bar where wit is most at home. The sentence, simple and direct, said : ‘I hope this message finds you in a good place, but if not, then make it one.’ It was a step up from the many phone numbers left there by trusting men hoping for the magic of a callback.

Being in a bad place can mean a lot of things, needless to say not all related to a geographical location. It can mean, for example, reaching a point one would describe as rock bottom or, for increased dramatic effect, a place where one believes to have nothing left to lose. This, of course, is rarely the case. And still, a bad place is a bad place, regardless of the reason and going through it is tough. Clearly, we have much less control over things in and outside of our lives than we’d like to acknowledge, but not little enough to be absolved of the responsibility of making choices. Or not making them, which is also a choice, I read that somewhere on the internet.

I don’t believe dreams come true, although I like the phrase, because it’s cute. I believe something can be important enough to channel your will and your determination so that you will make it happen. It can work or it can fail. When it does you’re brave and inspiring, when it doesn’t you’re stupid. I am positive everybody has a fair amount of both in them. Dreams don’t come true, but the possibility for change exists. It comes slow and in small doses, but not small enough to be dismissed.

I am also distrustful of the concept of starting over. Changing cities doesn’t alter the past or the substance of who one is, good and bad. Everything goes with you. A different location doesn’t fundamentally reshape one’s character or existential experience. Everywhere people are born and people die. Everywhere, everyone asks more or less the same questions to which nobody has a definitive answer. And there’s a lot of dirt in the sea water in summer left behind by people who treat the sea like a source of entertainment and garbage at the same time. There’s a special place in hell for you, Dante just texted me to confirm.

I believe the point in doing anything is the commitment to it paired with the willingness to pull it through. As an absolute procrastinator, daydreamer and undisciplined lazybone, I know pretty well how hard that is. And boring. Consistency is very boring. You have to plan, worry, and sometimes even pack.

On a different note, maybe a not too shabby definition of growing up is realizing there are things we cannot have despite our strong feeling of entitlement. We usually understand this after great loss, but if we’re lucky, we’re encouraged by patience. And I believe patience brings humility, which, in my opinion, opens an endless possibility for beauty.

I love the city of Barcelona. I have since the moment I first set foot here. And it is an incredible joy to be able to live here, to spend my days without the thought of time passing and me having to leave, to see how friendly and open the city is even when completely deserted on a Sunday morning, how mesmerizing the sea even when full of plastic bags.

I believe we can turn a bad place into a good one by making decisions and respecting them. It doesn’t change much in the bigger picture, I know. It is pretty clear from the get go that life is a losing game. We are all going to die.

But is that a reason not to live (in the cities of our dreams)?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obscure comedy writer celebrates one year anniversary of somewhat funny website with predictable thank you note

 

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‘I never paid too much attention to comedy until recently’, website creator, writer, editor and possessor of no Photoshop skills whatsoever, Mary B. Foon, tells us. ‘I started this project estimating the expectations of its glorious future to turn into monotonous present two to four months into the whole thing. It’s been a pleasant surprise to see how in the course of a year the site’s following grew from three close friends and family members to six, how after each long break I came back and added a few pieces yet again.’

Mary thinks the key to success is consistency with one’s own capriciousness. ‘I write with irregularity. Sometimes I write four articles a day, sometimes three months can pass without me producing a single word.  I believe it is important to keep at these chaotic impulses and maintain the illusion of discipline. You can’t achieve anything without a little faith in qualities you don’t actually possess.’

When asked what motivated her to dedicate herself to comedy writing, Mary replied: ‘The gap between appearance and essence has always been of interest to me. I am too impatient with philosophical technicalities (read I don’t understand sh**), so I basically chose humor as a favorite tool to explore this dimension of reality. After one year of research, I can say that the gap is wider than ever and I am not exactly sure which one of the two is the substance and which the outward form anymore. I consider this proof that things are going well.’

‘Any plans for the future?’

‘What I want is to keep doing what I love simply because I love it. It is a joy and a reward in itself. If improvement, more regular posts and some understanding of the usage of punctuation (yes, I am looking at you, comma) are thrown in along the way, I won’t be devastated, of course. But basically it all comes from a super selfish place, one I want to share with people. I’m sure there’s a bunch of other folks like me out there. Just probably less funny.’

 

 

Al-Qaeda child brides let free after revealing they are gender fluid

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An unexpected turn of events was registered in the world of terrorism! 27 child brides were released early Thursday morning from the vicinity of an Islamic Jihad training campThe men living in the village were horrified to find out that quite a few of their child spouses openly defined their identity as ‘gender fluid’.

‘This is unacceptable’, Sayed Al-Sadiiq, multiple rapist and moral dictator told his 14 year old lover. ‘Why didn’t you say so from the very beginning? I could have taken your younger sister instead. I have boundaries for Allah’s sake!’

The underage part-time boy, part-time girl chose to keep their name anonymous, but tried to explain to Sayed Al-Sadiiq that they had every intention to fill him in on this potential inconvenient. ‘Unfortunately every time we tried to open our mouths, we were told to ‘shut up’ and ‘go to your room’.

The community is in shock at this unprecedented revelation and decided to cast the girls out of the village in order to fend for themselves. It was unanimously considered that this radical influence can only come from the corrupt Western world. ‘Yes, we’re looking at you, America.’

Later that evening Sayed Al Sadiiq prayed to Allah for forgiveness, to which Allah reportedly replied: ‘Dude, gross.’

Middle aged man regrets missed opportunity to appropriate more office supplies before being let go

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‘I am an honest man’, Richard Burroughs, told his best friend. ‘Most of the time, that is.’ He had a desolate look on his face, the look one discovers only on the faces of men who let the opportunity of a lifetime pass them by.  ‘Endless supplies of blank white paper, ballpoint pen, even wireless mice were up for grabs all these years. I wish I had paid more attention to details. There was this nice cup in the kitchen that I always thought would look great on my bedside table.’

Richard has no idea what he is going to do with his future or if there’s even such thing, but decided for now to focus on small regrets: ‘I really miss my ergonomic office chair and the free coffee, although it tasted like mud most of the time. You know, I just wish I would have taken something  to prove to my grandchildren that I had a job once!’

Mr. Burroughs was reportedly let go by his employer after having spent 13 years with the company. He is soon to be replaced by a young and attractive AI robot who is predicted to want to take over and destroy humanity in two to three months. Until then it is expected to increase the company’s profit by 66%.