Classical violist Kim Kashkashian not mistaken for Kim Kardashian this morning at the airport

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‘It’s frustrating to live in someone’s shadow, especially when their talent and fame is something you know you’ll never be able to match’, Kim sincerely told our reporter Jim Kondrashian. ‘It happened to me a lot of times that I pulled my ID out and people’s reaction was something like ‘heeey, but you’re not Kim Kardashian’. Once I even heard someone mutter under their breath ‘I’m sure you wish you were, though’. To tell you the truth Jim, I really, really don’t. I mean yes, who wouldn’t want to possess the beauty of her soul, still somehow I think I’ll stick with what I got.’
Have you ever actually met her, Kim?
No, never. Although it would be an honor, of course. You know, Jim. I’ve always worked really hard to grow as a violist. Have you listened to my latest record? It took me years of study and practice to be able to deliver that sound.
 
What do you think she must be like, Kim?
I have no idea, Jim. But did I tell you how I got to decide what to play on my upcoming record? I had a dream one night that I was walking with Schubert by a riverbank. It was incredible! You know how he was super short and all, but he sat down under a willow tree and asked me to play his music. I went for it. Do you listen to Schubert, Jim?
Sure, every day. Kim, tell me now how you felt when people finally stopped taking you for a Kardashian at the airport this morning.
Oh, it was really great. I could feel what it’s like to be me again. I haven’t experienced that in a while. Actually, it was very similar to the situation when people are able to tell the difference between a viola and a violin. Very liberating, I must say. Of course, they had no idea who I really was but that’s okay. In our field of work that’s not all that crucial.
 
Would you like to send a message to the good people reading this?
Gladly. Hello everyone, I am Kim, not THAT Kim (nervous laughter) and I play classical music. My parents are of Armenian descent, but I was born in Detroit in the 1950s. Please do come out to see me play on my next tour.
No, Jim, not that kind kind of play.

IT crowd fan sues show producers after consecrated troubleshooting method fails to solve connectivity issues at home

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An unusual complaint has been file with local authorities earlier this afternoon. Area man Ned Barber tried to get online just like he always does: he unlocked his computer and then clicked, actually double clicked, on the button for the internet. Much to his surprise nothing happened. He tried again with no luck. Then, Ned says, he remembered a show that used to be on the telly a while ago. The one where they worked in the basement and fixed computers. There was this weird guy with the makeup too. What’s his name? Ned couldn’t recall this type of details, instead what came to mind almost instantly was the method used by the technicians to fix every IT issue they came across. The golden rule of any IT department: turning it off and on again. Said and done, Ned was feeling rather self-satisfied as his Vista ridden PC was firing up. I’ve always been one to remember important details, he thought to himself not without a certain degree of cockiness.  You can imagine his surprise at realizing the button for the internet still chose not to cooperate. The page opened, but nothing was displayed in the box. A sudden rage engulfed Ned who had always been someone used to taking matters into his own hands. Twenty minutes after failing to access his favorite website (URL unspecified), Ned was already down at the precinct registering a complaint against the producers of the show for spreading fake fixes among the population.
Our reporters have tried to contact the defendants to see if they had anything to say about this rather awkward situation. They texted us back with the question ‘Did he make sure his router was plugged in?’
As of 5:25 pm Ned was no longer available for comment.

Gluten intolerant pigeon forced to remove himself from city center after offending bakery owner

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‘Some pigeons’ audacity is hard to describe. I have been feeding the birds for a decade and never even heard of anything remotely as absurd as this’, bakery owner Brad N. Buttler declared. ‘I feed the pigeons at least twice a day, putting my business on the line and fighting the local authorities in order to keep my feathery friends by my side. One day I see this grey, pathetic loser, whose right to bear names I have already taken away, I see him turn his back at my breadcrumbs. I had to get my wife to translate as I don’t speak bird-language. You can imagine how wonderfully pleasant that must have been to begin with. But I did it, okay? I had her ask this sad excuse for a pigeon what’s wrong. He starts whining that he’s been diagnosed with gluten intolerance and cannot continue eating wheat, rye or barley containing products. What? Who does he think he is? Better than the rest of us? Does he think I’m gonna start baking some kind of special bread for him? So I called the police and handed him over. Have you seen the kind of mess pigeons leave behind in the square anyway? They’re practically winged shitting machines. The authorities just love to nuke them. Ungrateful little prick!’

Indeed the pigeon was banned from hanging out in the city center with his friends and had to resign himself to making new ones at the periphery. ‘It’s not too bad here. There’s two other pigeons just like me and we usually spend our time searching for gluten free food in order to survive. All in all I lost 50 grams since I was diagnosed and many exiled birds in the area have repeatedly referred to me as ‘handsome’ and ‘hot’. I don’t miss the bakery at all, but given half a chance, I would happily stoop low enough to be able to shit on a certain baker’s face.’

Spanish banks introduce new savings schemes to encourage citizens’ long term financial independence

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‘We are Spanish, thus awesome’, Juan Miguel Angel de la Cruz y Sandoval, an experienced banker who initiated the project, explains. ‘We are constantly concerned with the well-being of our fellow citizens, especially women who struggle to make a living on their own. We want to support them, show them we appreciate the efforts they make to serve our society and themselves. This project is the result of over a year of negotiations with banks across Spain. I hereby salute their openness and enthusiasm.

How does it work? It’s pretty simple. We have split the amount of money we pour into women’s accounts according to a few categories. Every time someone calls a lady ‘guapa’ we add 50 cents. The amounts increase as the term of endearment gets more gratifying:  there’s  75 cents for ‘cariño’ or ‘cielito’; 1 Euro for ‘corazón’ or ‘preciosa’ in it for them. ‘Reina’ is rewarded with a fiver.

This is a socio-economic project, of course. We want to boost women’s self esteem and reduce sexism. What’s in it for the men? Men get the same amount of the women’s monthly gains with the possibility of increasing that amount as the usage of the aforementioned terms grows. To account for this we have created a ‘Cielitometer’ where you can clock in every time someone says something nice to you or you say something sweet to someone. It is trust based, obviously. How else could it work?

We put a great amount of hope in this project: boosting the economy and encouraging people to be nice to each other. Did I mention the Spanish nation is just incredible in every way? I guess I did. Well then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my daily swim in the sea. Stay tuned!’

 

 

 

In the wake of multiple high profile suicides MTV decides to go ahead and air the cutting-edge ‘Who will die next’ reality show

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A topic that strikes a chord with everyone, traumatic events in the media and across the globe that affect everyone’s life one way or another – this is our commodity. Here at MTV we strive to turn pain into profit. Following the pre-established pattern of highly successful reality shows, we want to bring the public closer to stars’ struggle with depression and substance abuse. We want to show the world that everyone is human, vulnerable and that no matter how much you have accomplished in life you are never more than two steps away from the void.

The concept is to get stars who find themselves in a dark place to open up and follow their evolution unto death. The pressure of exposure should fast forward the completion of this task. Obviously, this is an interactive program. People can vote and root for their favorite artist to stay alive or encourage their least favorite to just go ahead and do it. We want our public to witness firsthand that nobody, no matter how talented and/or rich, is really any better than their own despair.

We had this concept in mind ever since Cobain’s death. It was supposed to be the new and rawer version of Unplugged, if you know what I mean, but the times were not ripe back then and people would probably not be able to understand this kind of edgy concept. Things have changed now and people are ready to move on from sex, as the major motor of entertainment, to death.

Depression, hopelessness, anxiety – is there anyone out there unfamiliar with these terms? Has anyone out there not lost someone they loved in one way or another? Mark my words, this is an unprecedentedly generous cash cow – Monday to Friday from 8pm central until someone kills themselves.

Tune in!

 

 

 

Italian Medieval poet Dante Alighieri returns from the dead to report on a new circle of hell destined to people in the Reggaeton industry

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‘I was sleeping peacefully by Beatrice’s side when I felt a sharp nudge in my heart. The good people of Earth needed me. It seems like they have been invaded by a horrendous musical style that spreads across the world faster than the bubonic plague. Despair not! I have risen from the dead to bring hope and inform you about the tenth circle of hell under construction right now, dedicated to the people who produce, promote and spread this music across the globe. Despacito, but surely, they will all end up here. And their punishment will be merciless. We’re in the process of obtaining legal rights for Ed Sheeran’s ‘Shape of you’ to be played there for all eternity.’

Virgil’s ghost flickered on the horizon confirming Dante’s promises. ‘It’s basically all a matter of patience and not leaving your house. Go to the library, read a book. Turn off the radio. Listen to metal.’

The great Medieval poet made no comments on the punishment that awaits reggaeton fans. It is highly likely though, that they will get to spend some time in Purgatory thinking about the choices they made while alive.

 

European airline takes flying experience to a whole new level by introducing the revolutionary ‘all you can sleep’ service

 

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Not even two years on the market and the Flyaway airline company is pushing the envelope when it comes to the comfort and security of its customers. The company’s spokesperson announced early this morning the introduction of a game-changing service.

‘The all you can sleep approach is dedicated to our tired customers, to the sleepy, lower middle class willing to put its comfort on the line to make it to destination. We want to show the world that sometimes not very rich people matter. Basically, it works like this: one of our prettier stewardesses checks on the passengers about 15 minutes before the scheduled landing. If there’s anyone sleeping, we’re just gonna stay up in the air until their sleep cycle is completed. Did you know that lack of sleep causes more illness worldwide than smoking? Me neither. So while some of our passengers are asleep we will entertain the others with relaxing massages and soft music. The plane will soar like an eagle until every single one of its passengers is well rested.’

The Flyaway initiative has been greeted with a lot of enthusiasm, selling out tickets to several destinations in a matter of minutes.

‘I haven’t had a real chance to rest in a very long time’, Jed Lagge, a devoted customer opens up. ‘This measure comes as a true blessing to many of us. I must say, I have never felt so respected in my life.’

‘We don’t intend to stop here’ the company’s spokesperson adds. ‘Our research team is working on developing the possibility to make this service available for our pilots too. If you prick them, do they not bleed?’