‘Some pigeons’ audacity is hard to describe. I have been feeding the birds for a decade and never even heard of anything remotely as absurd as this’, bakery owner Brad N. Buttler declared. ‘I feed the pigeons at least twice a day, putting my business on the line and fighting the local authorities in order to keep my feathery friends by my side. One day I see this grey, pathetic loser, whose right to bear names I have already taken away, I see him turn his back at my breadcrumbs. I had to get my wife to translate as I don’t speak bird-language. You can imagine how wonderfully pleasant that must have been to begin with. But I did it, okay? I had her ask this sad excuse for a pigeon what’s wrong. He starts whining that he’s been diagnosed with gluten intolerance and cannot continue eating wheat, rye or barley containing products. What? Who does he think he is? Better than the rest of us? Does he think I’m gonna start baking some kind of special bread for him? So I called the police and handed him over. Have you seen the kind of mess pigeons leave behind in the square anyway? They’re practically winged shitting machines. The authorities just love to nuke them. Ungrateful little prick!’
Indeed the pigeon was banned from hanging out in the city center with his friends and had to resign himself to making new ones at the periphery. ‘It’s not too bad here. There’s two other pigeons just like me and we usually spend our time searching for gluten free food in order to survive. All in all I lost 50 grams since I was diagnosed and many exiled birds in the area have repeatedly referred to me as ‘handsome’ and ‘hot’. I don’t miss the bakery at all, but given half a chance, I would happily stoop low enough to be able to shit on a certain baker’s face.’
‘We are Spanish, thus awesome’, Juan Miguel Angel de la Cruz y Sandoval, an experienced banker who initiated the project, explains. ‘We are constantly concerned with the well-being of our fellow citizens, especially women who struggle to make a living on their own. We want to support them, show them we appreciate the efforts they make to serve our society and themselves. This project is the result of over a year of negotiations with banks across Spain. I hereby salute their openness and enthusiasm.
How does it work? It’s pretty simple. We have split the amount of money we pour into women’s accounts according to a few categories. Every time someone calls a lady ‘guapa’ we add 50 cents. The amounts increase as the term of endearment gets more gratifying: there’s 75 cents for ‘cariño’ or ‘cielito’; 1 Euro for ‘corazón’ or ‘preciosa’ in it for them. ‘Reina’ is rewarded with a fiver.
This is a socio-economic project, of course. We want to boost women’s self esteem and reduce sexism. What’s in it for the men? Men get the same amount of the women’s monthly gains with the possibility of increasing that amount as the usage of the aforementioned terms grows. To account for this we have created a ‘Cielitometer’ where you can clock in every time someone says something nice to you or you say something sweet to someone. It is trust based, obviously. How else could it work?
We put a great amount of hope in this project: boosting the economy and encouraging people to be nice to each other. Did I mention the Spanish nation is just incredible in every way? I guess I did. Well then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my daily swim in the sea. Stay tuned!’
A topic that strikes a chord with everyone, traumatic events in the media and across the globe that affect everyone’s life one way or another – this is our commodity. Here at MTV we strive to turn pain into profit. Following the pre-established pattern of highly successful reality shows, we want to bring the public closer to stars’ struggle with depression and substance abuse. We want to show the world that everyone is human, vulnerable and that no matter how much you have accomplished in life you are never more than two steps away from the void.
The concept is to get stars who find themselves in a dark place to open up and follow their evolution unto death. The pressure of exposure should fast forward the completion of this task. Obviously, this is an interactive program. People can vote and root for their favorite artist to stay alive or encourage their least favorite to just go ahead and do it. We want our public to witness firsthand that nobody, no matter how talented and/or rich, is really any better than their own despair.
We had this concept in mind ever since Cobain’s death. It was supposed to be the new and rawer version of Unplugged, if you know what I mean, but the times were not ripe back then and people would probably not be able to understand this kind of edgy concept. Things have changed now and people are ready to move on from sex, as the major motor of entertainment, to death.
Depression, hopelessness, anxiety – is there anyone out there unfamiliar with these terms? Has anyone out there not lost someone they loved in one way or another? Mark my words, this is an unprecedentedly generous cash cow – Monday to Friday from 8pm central until someone kills themselves.
‘I was sleeping peacefully by Beatrice’s side when I felt a sharp nudge in my heart. The good people of Earth needed me. It seems like they have been invaded by a horrendous musical style that spreads across the world faster than the bubonic plague. Despair not! I have risen from the dead to bring hope and inform you about the tenth circle of hell under construction right now, dedicated to the people who produce, promote and spread this music across the globe. Despacito, but surely, they will all end up here. And their punishment will be merciless. We’re in the process of obtaining legal rights for Ed Sheeran’s ‘Shape of you’ to be played there for all eternity.’
Virgil’s ghost flickered on the horizon confirming Dante’s promises. ‘It’s basically all a matter of patience and not leaving your house. Go to the library, read a book. Turn off the radio. Listen to metal.’
The great Medieval poet made no comments on the punishment that awaits reggaeton fans. It is highly likely though, that they will get to spend some time in Purgatory thinking about the choices they made while alive.
Not even two years on the market and the Flyaway airline company is pushing the envelope when it comes to the comfort and security of its customers. The company’s spokesperson announced early this morning the introduction of a game-changing service.
‘The all you can sleep approach is dedicated to our tired customers, to the sleepy, lower middle class willing to put its comfort on the line to make it to destination. We want to show the world that sometimes not very rich people matter. Basically, it works like this: one of our prettier stewardesses checks on the passengers about 15 minutes before the scheduled landing. If there’s anyone sleeping, we’re just gonna stay up in the air until their sleep cycle is completed. Did you know that lack of sleep causes more illness worldwide than smoking? Me neither. So while some of our passengers are asleep we will entertain the others with relaxing massages and soft music. The plane will soar like an eagle until every single one of its passengers is well rested.’
The Flyaway initiative has been greeted with a lot of enthusiasm, selling out tickets to several destinations in a matter of minutes.
‘I haven’t had a real chance to rest in a very long time’, Jed Lagge, a devoted customer opens up. ‘This measure comes as a true blessing to many of us. I must say, I have never felt so respected in my life.’
‘We don’t intend to stop here’ the company’s spokesperson adds. ‘Our research team is working on developing the possibility to make this service available for our pilots too. If you prick them, do they not bleed?’