Category: Uncategorized

Area woman accuses gamer of doping, after he manages to pass through all Super Mario Bros. worlds without dying once

Barcelona, Spain. “I am an adult woman. I cross the street only when I am supposed to, I keep my expectations in check and I don’t eat funny ice cream flavors. But when I lose at Super Mario Bros., I freaking effing lose all my…

Technical Analyst sentenced to death by management after sending the wrong spare part to end customer

Rabbit Hash, Kentucky. “A technical analyst has been placed on death row by his employer after he ordered a wrong spare part for an important customer”, the spokesperson  of the leading brand in the printing industry confirmed on Wednesday. The news quickly spread, filling…

Schoolchildren excited to learn about the Döner Kebab animal and the Barbeque Sauce plant as the school year is about to kick off

S   Barcelona, Spain. An unprecedented enthusiasm has been spotted among schoolchildren this year as the Spanish Ministry of Education revolutionarizes textbooks and mandatory subjects. It is expected for kids to run to class on Wednesday, September 12, in order to occupy the best seats…

L’Oréal starts a skin care revolution by releasing its new Michael Myers face mask

Paris, France. L’Oréal, world leader in beauty, decided to keep giving to its customers and take the cosmetics market by surprise.  Last Friday, August 25, the cosmetic giant released a revolutionary beautifying mask paying tribute to slasher film character Michael Myers. “Apart from hydrating…

Eco-conscious alien fails to take over Earth as he forgets electric space ship charger on native planet

Galvonia P83. A promising offspring of one of the royal Galvonian couples has let its species down about half a light year ago when he failed to conquer Earth over a rather trivial issue.  Zosmus was quick to explain that this unfortunate event was caused…

Global warming experts report Liechtenstein to become a Mediterranean country by 2032

  Vaduz, Liechtenstein. Liechtenstein, the only country to alleviate Switzerland’s territorial inferiority complex,  is ready to reaffirm its position among the developed and thriving European countries. “The beloved winter sport destination, whose beautiful Alps attract nature and sport lovers alike, is expected to pride itself…

Tonight, football enthusiasts can sit back, relax, and enjoy a match between FC Barcelona and the team that will lose

    Camp nou / Barcelona, Spain. La Liga, the top division of the Spanish football league system, started off this weekend with various matches, the most interesting of which will take place today,  at 22:15 CEST between the 25 times winner, FC Barcelona, and…

The new Spanish legislation seeks to penalize every citizen who sends”warm greetings” to family and friends during summer vacation

  Madrid, Spain. After a few insanely hot weeks, the Spanish politicians decided to interrupt their vacation and dedicate their time to making a new set of laws. The new legislation is meant to discourage the use and abuse of signing off letters to friends…

Media Markt reports on opening hundreds of positions for shop assistants with strong hide and seek skills

  München, Germany. The giant of European consumer electronics, Media Markt, has announced it up to 1000 vacancies for shop assistants throughout the whole continent. “As the demand is growing and we are opening more and more stores, we need people who share and represent…

According to the Gregorian calendar today, August 12, is and isn’t Erwin Schrödinger’s birthday

Vienna, Austria. “Google may not have acknowledged Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger with a Doodle this year, but we sure will”, editor in chief Mary Ann Evans informed the team this morning. “Although it is Sunday and the superposition of sleeping off a week’s tiredness…

Area man exasperated with the summer heat looking forward to winter for a whole new set of weather related complaints

  Barcelona, Spain. “The days of the year when one has absolutely no objections towards the weather are few and far between. Fortunately this leaves the general population with a perpetual sense of indignation and an endless conversation topic”, local meteorologist Cesc Cabrera pointed…

Brazilian team exits FIFA World Cup offering Neymar Jr the opportunity to focus on his acting career

Kazan, Russia. An exciting and thrilling match took place tonight, one that would end with Belgium’s qualification in the World Cup semifinal  and Brazil’s unexpected demise. Many are inclined to receive the news of Belgium’s superiority with shock and horror, but not Neymar Jr. As…