After watching the number of churchgoers decline drastically over the past few decades, the Accommodationist Church decided to take matters into its own hands in an attempt to turn things around. One of the first innovations in a long row of changes was to bring the Bible closer to the people. How does the Church hope to accomplish that?
‘Considering that the Bible was once the number one bestseller in the world, we decided to bring it back to its old success’, the Church’s spokesperson, Mr. Egon Trip, explains. ‘It has been decided to cut down large chunks of the Old Testament, take Leviticus, for example. Sweet heavens! Can we stop pretending we care about offerings in the Tabernacle? Let’s face it. It’s pretty dry! Also, do we really need four accounts of the Passion of Christ? Just think about it.’
Not only will several books be removed, mostly from the Historical Books of the Old Testament – yawn -, but an overall reshaped message is being sent out to believers everywhere. ‘We feel that for a long time the focus of the Christian Faith lied outside of the human interest, pointing to this or that aspect of Divinity and the human’s duty to live in accordance with the Law. With the Convenient International Version we put a new spin on this old concept. We want to let people around the world know that the Church is decreasing the responsibilities of the believer and increasing his/her rights considerably. Yes, we are willing to renegotiate the terms of the contract, take some power away from God and give it to the Ego. It’s a savage world out there and we need to please churchgoers, if we want to keep them.’
When asked if there are other strategies in place to attract new followers, Mr. Trip informed us that a new CIV Bible App is on its way, where readers across the world can crop out passages that are uncomfortable or don’t match exactly with the realities of their own lives causing them internal distress. ‘We are working on giving our followers the freedom to customize the Scripture according to their personal beliefs. It’s basically faith made affordable.’ The app will be available for free with a few in-app purchases for those who want to meet the Church halfway. Don’t hesitate.
Over the next few months it is expected that numbers of followers on Instagram will increase considerably. The Church also hopes to finally come to an agreement with the world, so that everyone is happy. ‘We aim for a win-win situation. You restore the Church’s authority and we tell you all about what you are willing to hear.’
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, with the respectable contribution of Gabriel Fugazi