With summer around the corner, many of us are trying to shed a few extra pounds. Worry not! Fad diets are the snows of yesteryear. Studies show that the fastest way to lose weight is through an old trick with 100% success rate: surgery.
Gerry Bill sat down with doctor impersonator and online guru Ram Dat to find out more about the fascinating method.
‘Mr. Dat, thank so much for sitting down with us today. Let me ask you, what kind of surgery is generally recommended?’
‘To be perfectly honest with you, all surgeries are efficient, yet I personally recommend abdominal surgery: not only will you be unable to eat anything solid for at least 3-4 days in a row, but the considerable postoperative pain and overall weakness guarantee you a 2-3 kg head start. Also, there are quite a few parasitic organs in there, that don’t really contribute to the overall well-being of the organism. They mostly hold us back in our personal development and change the color of our aura from whatever it should be to that which it shouldn’t. That’s not good for you.’
‘Sounds interesting! And yet I am sure many of our readers are bound to find this method a tiny bit invasive? Isn’t it a bit extreme?’
‘Well, Gerry, what can I say? It’s like … no pain, no gain, you know what I mean? Is it a bit over the top and could it be easily replaced by regular visits to the gym and dieting? Sure. But you know, quick fixes come to those who dare. People who challenge their limitations, who are ready to leave their comfort zone. We are promoting a holistic approach to weight-loss, one that involves body, mind and spirit. Do you understand what I’m saying? This isn’t for the fainthearted.’
‘Yes, but -‘
‘And let me tell you, many of our clients reported that if you are lucky enough to spend a longer time in the hospital, you are very likely to develop a crush on a doctor or a nurse, let’s say. That’s an amazing motivator to stay on track after the surgery and reach your weight-loss goal.’
‘I understand, but-‘
‘You see, some even figured out that not eating slows down their recovery process, so they’ll be around their crush longer. With all that unnecessary attention who wouldn’t feel strong enough to continue on the arduous road to being hot?’
‘Understood. Thank your for your input, Mr. Dat.’
‘No, no, please. Call me Ram.’