All posts by Ana-Maria Taut

The Nobel Prize in Literature 2017 awarded solely based on aesthetic criteria

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Stockholm, Sweden. The Nobel Prize in Literature 2017 has been awarded on Thursday,  October 5th, to English writer of Japanese descent Kazuo Ishiguro “who, in novels of great emotional force, has uncovered the abyss beneath our illusory sense of connection with the world”.

There is no obvious trace of a political influence on this decision, causing the literary community to rejoice and breathe easy. ‘It’s been rough in the past with Müller, Kertész and Alexievich winning. Not to mention the Bob Dylan controversy of last year’, Mr. Knowles, a purist defender of aesthetic value comments on the situation.

‘It seems like some things have returned to normal. In a largely divided Europe, with growing tension among countries all over the world, at least this aspect of our society has gotten back in check. It’s good for the people’, public opinion researcher, Ms. Roll, shares her findings with our reporter with a visible air of relief.

Contacted by our team the spokesperson for the Nobel committee declared: ‘We’re just tired of scandal and accusations to be honest. The choice is either too political, too unconventional or a woman. This year we’ll just lay low and pick someone whose books were made into movies.’

Only God knows what Philip Roth must be feeling right now.

 

Spanish riot police and Catalan population bury the hatchet upon unexpected discovery of sandy beaches 10 minutes away from city centre

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Barcelona, Spain. Following police brutality throughout the Catalan region on the 2nd of October, day of the Catalan Referendum for Independence, the people of Barcelona made a remarkable discovery that no one would have expected. It seems like 4 km of sandy beaches are outlining the Eastern part of the metropolis.

“We have no explanation whatsoever for having missed such an important part of our city. People were just walking towards the polling stations in the Barrio of Barceloneta when they simply bumped into this enormously beautiful body of water. We suspect it to be the Mediterranean”, mayor Ada Colau declared in a press conference.

Scientists believe the sea to be several millions of years old: ‘It’s so strange nobody noticed it before. It seems to have been around for quite some time. We always thought the heat was a bit too humid for a landlocked city, but with no clear proof we couldn’t just put a finger on it’, local meteorologist  informs.

Upon catching wind of the city’s beautiful beaches both Catalans and riot police dropped their political agenda and stormed to the metro and bus stations in order to experience this unprecedented view. Firefighters and local police dedicated the rest of their day to preparing Mojitos for the peaceful population. ‘It’s incredible how the beauty of nature can tame passions and bring conflicts to an end. Add a splash of rum and I promise you that’s as close to heaven as you need to get, Jordi, an exhausted, but enthusiastic Catalan firefighter declared for our reporter while mixing drinks.

‘At the end of the day, we need so little to be happy, love and respect each other as human beings’, PM Mariano Rajoy concluded, promising to stop allowing police to beat grandmas and shoot rubber bullets at civilians.

 

 

 

 

A lot of useful information to be found in ‘Useful info’ folder on company’s shared drive

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There is a folder on every company’s SharePoint containing nothing but helpful documentation meant to make your professional life easier. An inquiry into the SharePoint structure of 10 different international IT companies revealed that each and every one of them had an active ‘Useful info’ folder on a shared drive for all  of their employees to access.

‘Unlike dozens of other folders that hold nothing but irrelevant information incapable to serve a single soul, this folder has gathered throughout the years that which we might easily refer to as the company’s core values, its distilled wisdom if you want’, Mark Savage CEO of Pointless declares.

Moreover, an employee survey pointed out the fact that the folder is by far the most popular one among forgetful employees who choose to save their passwords and other private information in order to be able to access it from anywhere across the network.

‘We see a bright future for this type of folder. It won’t be long before employees will realize it can serve as a romance starting point as well. Think Tinder with the security of a VPN connection. Many of them are already slipping their phone number and a cute picture in there. They know it can go a long way’,  Chris Grey system, administrator of Shady, concludes.

With 9 out of 10 professionals accessing it regularly it is safe to say the folder generates more traffic than ‘Fire and Safety Training’ or ‘Deadlines’.

Study finds that repeatedly pushing button to open doors on public transportation before reaching destination results in increased speed of vehicle and overall better travel conditions

 

boton metroBritish scientists have officially confirmed that which every sensible human was already aware of. Following a study spanning over two decades, it has been firmly established that repeatedly pressing the button on public transportation before the vehicle has even made it into station, increases the arrival speed by 72%. On average, extra nervousness and impatience make up for another 15 %. You’ll get wherever you want to be simply by continuously pushing.

‘Remember it is important to start pressing the buttons before the lights go on. Thus the system will understand your desire to speed up the process and hurry you to your destination. It may or may not be the next station’, British researcher Ph.D. Tardy informs our reporter.

‘It’s a small trick we all seem to have had in our blood long before fancy scientists (recently divorced from the European canon, no less) confirmed its efficiency’, daily commuter Ms. Waits, commented on a post by The Morning Sunset this afternoon.

When asked about the methods used to arrive to the aforementioned conclusion, British scientists advised the media that it was mainly common sense, an educated guess, and a fair amount of stout. ‘Hey, nobody really pushed our buttons for expedition, so we just enjoyed the ride. Cheers!’

 

 

 

Want to chill? Catch a cold!

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Paul D. is desperate.  The extremely hot weather has really gotten to him,  so in an attempt to end his ordeal, he tried to copy his friend’s Luke C’s recipe: he tried to catch a cold. „My friend Luke caught a cold, I really don`t know how he did it, he won`t tell. But the lucky bastard doesn’t mind the red code heat alerts because he has something like a fever condition, and from time to time he is shivering with cold. He even refuses to take medication because he doesn’t want to feel the devastating effects of the Saharan weather that has hit us”, says Paul. In the attempt of trying to catch that cold, he has applied multiple plans. „I drank form the same beer bottle as Luke. Nothing. I didn’t insist with the fluid exchange because, you know… So, I ran for about 2 kilometres  and immediately got under an air conditioning machine in a store. No cold, just extreme back pain. I tried eating rapidly lots of ice cream. Nothing, just a little bit more belly fat . I tried cold showers. Nothing apart from a temporary lack of libido. Just temporary, I assure you”, explains the unfortunate Paul. He wanted to add that during this time he wished to have never met his wife, Roxanne, because she can’t stand the air conditioning, thus he has to withstand 40 degrees C with the endurance of a Stoic. Ugh.

On the other hand, Luke is feeling „fine and special. I like being cold in this  hot weather.  Now I can say that I feel great! Okay, I may be a little dizzy, but I really don`t mind. I practically don’t know how I got this cold, but I´m trying hard to nail the perfect contributors down.  Have I told you that I feel special? A neighbour just told be that only real men catch a cold in summer. I feel proud of myself!”– explained Luke.

So, if you want to chill during this awfully hot atmosphere and you don`t have your own air conditioning machine, be like Luke and catch a cold. After all, you are a responsible citizen and you can’t spend your days and nights drinking beer somewhere outside, in a nice outdoor pub that has some tables put under a nice, thick shade.

 

Written by Lucian Cozma, edited by Ana-Maria Taut.

Expat ready to join the war on tourists weeks after becoming a legal resident of Mediterranean metropolis

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‘Life here is so much more than I expected. The grass is greener, the sea is softer than I had ever imagined. There’s just a tiny little detail that I can’t stand at all and that’s tourists. I mean, it’s high summer, I get it, but there’s literally no possibility for us locals to find a free spot on the beach, on the metro or any downtown street. Everywhere you turn: tourists. They have taken over our city, our culture, everything. Do you have any idea how much the rents have gone up because of them? I can’t believe it! How are we supposed to lead a normal life with all these people in one place? Yes, they bring some color to the city and pour a lot of money into local businesses, but enough is enough.’
Asked by our reporter how she grew to be so fed up with tourists in such a short period of time, the new girl in town confessed: ‘Oh, you bought into it? I really don’t care. Just wanna fit in. I’m sure as hell not going to join the locals in political debates. Tourists? That’s small fish. With an average of 20 million of them per year crowding up our beaches, breathing our air, making it impossible for us to be a normal community. Yeah, no way. I’m not having any of it.’

Area woman backs out of marrying Chris Stapleton after wish expressed in youtube comment was granted by the artist

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‘From A Room: Volume 2’ may be closer than we think with fresh symptoms of heartache intensifying in the Stapletonian chest cavity. Area woman, Audrey-Anne Truman, reportedly backed out of marrying the country superstar after he proposed to her over the weekend.

‘I was on YouTube, reading through the comments to my song ‘Your Man’ and there was this really, really special lady who wrote a couple of words, they resonated with me, you know? I was won over by their simplicity. She said ‘Marry me, Chris’ and I just knew, I knew I had to do it. So I called her up and we met the next day. Everything was awesome. She told me upfront she had a problem, but it ain’t like what you think. She  said she drinks because she’s lonesome or lonesome because she drinks, I am not sure, but hey, I told her to fire away, and that’s all that I’ll say about this for now.

We were Vegas bound the next day, when she just got out of the car and walked into the cornfield never to return. She left me there with a whole lot of whiskey and no you, if you know what I mean. Why would anyone do such thing?’

We managed to reach Audrey-Anne and ask her why she had to go and break Chris’ heart. Her honesty was disarming: ‘I never thought he would actually do it when I left that comment. It was all a huge misunderstanding. I wanted to meet him mostly to have a sip of that Tennessee whiskey of his. Not so much into strawberry wine, though, so I thought I’d split while it wasn’t too late. Trust me, when his new record comes out, you’re gonna stand on this porch and thank me.’

Later when trying to reach Chris again, the call went straight to voicemail. The welcome message had been already changed to: ‘Seen my share of broken halos, folded wings that used to fly, they’ve all gone wherever they go, broken halos that used to shine.’

Seconds later the whole office burst into song: ‘Don’t go looking for the reasons, don’t go asking Jesus why, we’re not meant to know the answers, they belong to the by and by.’

Pretty much it, folks. Pretty much it.