All posts by Ana-Maria Taut

Want to chill? Catch a cold!

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Paul D. is desperate.  The extremely hot weather has really gotten to him,  so in an attempt to end his ordeal, he tried to copy his friend’s Luke C’s recipe: he tried to catch a cold. „My friend Luke caught a cold, I really don`t know how he did it, he won`t tell. But the lucky bastard doesn’t mind the red code heat alerts because he has something like a fever condition, and from time to time he is shivering with cold. He even refuses to take medication because he doesn’t want to feel the devastating effects of the Saharan weather that has hit us”, says Paul. In the attempt of trying to catch that cold, he has applied multiple plans. „I drank form the same beer bottle as Luke. Nothing. I didn’t insist with the fluid exchange because, you know… So, I ran for about 2 kilometres  and immediately got under an air conditioning machine in a store. No cold, just extreme back pain. I tried eating rapidly lots of ice cream. Nothing, just a little bit more belly fat . I tried cold showers. Nothing apart from a temporary lack of libido. Just temporary, I assure you”, explains the unfortunate Paul. He wanted to add that during this time he wished to have never met his wife, Roxanne, because she can’t stand the air conditioning, thus he has to withstand 40 degrees C with the endurance of a Stoic. Ugh.

On the other hand, Luke is feeling „fine and special. I like being cold in this  hot weather.  Now I can say that I feel great! Okay, I may be a little dizzy, but I really don`t mind. I practically don’t know how I got this cold, but I´m trying hard to nail the perfect contributors down.  Have I told you that I feel special? A neighbour just told be that only real men catch a cold in summer. I feel proud of myself!”– explained Luke.

So, if you want to chill during this awfully hot atmosphere and you don`t have your own air conditioning machine, be like Luke and catch a cold. After all, you are a responsible citizen and you can’t spend your days and nights drinking beer somewhere outside, in a nice outdoor pub that has some tables put under a nice, thick shade.

 

Written by Lucian Cozma, edited by Ana-Maria Taut.

Expat ready to join the war on tourists weeks after becoming a legal resident of Mediterranean metropolis

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‘Life here is so much more than I expected. The grass is greener, the sea is softer than I had ever imagined. There’s just a tiny little detail that I can’t stand at all and that’s tourists. I mean, it’s high summer, I get it, but there’s literally no possibility for us locals to find a free spot on the beach, on the metro or any downtown street. Everywhere you turn: tourists. They have taken over our city, our culture, everything. Do you have any idea how much the rents have gone up because of them? I can’t believe it! How are we supposed to lead a normal life with all these people in one place? Yes, they bring some color to the city and pour a lot of money into local businesses, but enough is enough.’
Asked by our reporter how she grew to be so fed up with tourists in such a short period of time, the new girl in town confessed: ‘Oh, you bought into it? I really don’t care. Just wanna fit in. I’m sure as hell not going to join the locals in political debates. Tourists? That’s small fish. With an average of 20 million of them per year crowding up our beaches, breathing our air, making it impossible for us to be a normal community. Yeah, no way. I’m not having any of it.’

Area woman backs out of marrying Chris Stapleton after wish expressed in youtube comment was granted by the artist

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‘From A Room: Volume 2’ may be closer than we think with fresh symptoms of heartache intensifying in the Stapletonian chest cavity. Area woman, Audrey-Anne Truman, reportedly backed out of marrying the country superstar after he proposed to her over the weekend.

‘I was on YouTube, reading through the comments to my song ‘Your Man’ and there was this really, really special lady who wrote a couple of words, they resonated with me, you know? I was won over by their simplicity. She said ‘Marry me, Chris’ and I just knew, I knew I had to do it. So I called her up and we met the next day. Everything was awesome. She told me upfront she had a problem, but it ain’t like what you think. She  said she drinks because she’s lonesome or lonesome because she drinks, I am not sure, but hey, I told her to fire away, and that’s all that I’ll say about this for now.

We were Vegas bound the next day, when she just got out of the car and walked into the cornfield never to return. She left me there with a whole lot of whiskey and no you, if you know what I mean. Why would anyone do such thing?’

We managed to reach Audrey-Anne and ask her why she had to go and break Chris’ heart. Her honesty was disarming: ‘I never thought he would actually do it when I left that comment. It was all a huge misunderstanding. I wanted to meet him mostly to have a sip of that Tennessee whiskey of his. Not so much into strawberry wine, though, so I thought I’d split while it wasn’t too late. Trust me, when his new record comes out, you’re gonna stand on this porch and thank me.’

Later when trying to reach Chris again, the call went straight to voicemail. The welcome message had been already changed to: ‘Seen my share of broken halos, folded wings that used to fly, they’ve all gone wherever they go, broken halos that used to shine.’

Seconds later the whole office burst into song: ‘Don’t go looking for the reasons, don’t go asking Jesus why, we’re not meant to know the answers, they belong to the by and by.’

Pretty much it, folks. Pretty much it.

Classical violist Kim Kashkashian not mistaken for Kim Kardashian this morning at the airport

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‘It’s frustrating to live in someone’s shadow, especially when their talent and fame is something you know you’ll never be able to match’, Kim sincerely told our reporter Jim Kondrashian. ‘It happened to me a lot of times that I pulled my ID out and people’s reaction was something like ‘heeey, but you’re not Kim Kardashian’. Once I even heard someone mutter under their breath ‘I’m sure you wish you were, though’. To tell you the truth Jim, I really, really don’t. I mean yes, who wouldn’t want to possess the beauty of her soul, still somehow I think I’ll stick with what I got.’
Have you ever actually met her, Kim?
No, never. Although it would be an honor, of course. You know, Jim. I’ve always worked really hard to grow as a violist. Have you listened to my latest record? It took me years of study and practice to be able to deliver that sound.
 
What do you think she must be like, Kim?
I have no idea, Jim. But did I tell you how I got to decide what to play on my upcoming record? I had a dream one night that I was walking with Schubert by a riverbank. It was incredible! You know how he was super short and all, but he sat down under a willow tree and asked me to play his music. I went for it. Do you listen to Schubert, Jim?
Sure, every day. Kim, tell me now how you felt when people finally stopped taking you for a Kardashian at the airport this morning.
Oh, it was really great. I could feel what it’s like to be me again. I haven’t experienced that in a while. Actually, it was very similar to the situation when people are able to tell the difference between a viola and a violin. Very liberating, I must say. Of course, they had no idea who I really was but that’s okay. In our field of work that’s not all that crucial.
 
Would you like to send a message to the good people reading this?
Gladly. Hello everyone, I am Kim, not THAT Kim (nervous laughter) and I play classical music. My parents are of Armenian descent, but I was born in Detroit in the 1950s. Please do come out to see me play on my next tour.
No, Jim, not that kind kind of play.

IT crowd fan sues show producers after consecrated troubleshooting method fails to solve connectivity issues at home

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An unusual complaint has been file with local authorities earlier this afternoon. Area man Ned Barber tried to get online just like he always does: he unlocked his computer and then clicked, actually double clicked, on the button for the internet. Much to his surprise nothing happened. He tried again with no luck. Then, Ned says, he remembered a show that used to be on the telly a while ago. The one where they worked in the basement and fixed computers. There was this weird guy with the makeup too. What’s his name? Ned couldn’t recall this type of details, instead what came to mind almost instantly was the method used by the technicians to fix every IT issue they came across. The golden rule of any IT department: turning it off and on again. Said and done, Ned was feeling rather self-satisfied as his Vista ridden PC was firing up. I’ve always been one to remember important details, he thought to himself not without a certain degree of cockiness.  You can imagine his surprise at realizing the button for the internet still chose not to cooperate. The page opened, but nothing was displayed in the box. A sudden rage engulfed Ned who had always been someone used to taking matters into his own hands. Twenty minutes after failing to access his favorite website (URL unspecified), Ned was already down at the precinct registering a complaint against the producers of the show for spreading fake fixes among the population.
Our reporters have tried to contact the defendants to see if they had anything to say about this rather awkward situation. They texted us back with the question ‘Did he make sure his router was plugged in?’
As of 5:25 pm Ned was no longer available for comment.

Gluten intolerant pigeon forced to remove himself from city center after offending bakery owner

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‘Some pigeons’ audacity is hard to describe. I have been feeding the birds for a decade and never even heard of anything remotely as absurd as this’, bakery owner Brad N. Buttler declared. ‘I feed the pigeons at least twice a day, putting my business on the line and fighting the local authorities in order to keep my feathery friends by my side. One day I see this grey, pathetic loser, whose right to bear names I have already taken away, I see him turn his back at my breadcrumbs. I had to get my wife to translate as I don’t speak bird-language. You can imagine how wonderfully pleasant that must have been to begin with. But I did it, okay? I had her ask this sad excuse for a pigeon what’s wrong. He starts whining that he’s been diagnosed with gluten intolerance and cannot continue eating wheat, rye or barley containing products. What? Who does he think he is? Better than the rest of us? Does he think I’m gonna start baking some kind of special bread for him? So I called the police and handed him over. Have you seen the kind of mess pigeons leave behind in the square anyway? They’re practically winged shitting machines. The authorities just love to nuke them. Ungrateful little prick!’

Indeed the pigeon was banned from hanging out in the city center with his friends and had to resign himself to making new ones at the periphery. ‘It’s not too bad here. There’s two other pigeons just like me and we usually spend our time searching for gluten free food in order to survive. All in all I lost 50 grams since I was diagnosed and many exiled birds in the area have repeatedly referred to me as ‘handsome’ and ‘hot’. I don’t miss the bakery at all, but given half a chance, I would happily stoop low enough to be able to shit on a certain baker’s face.’

Spanish banks introduce new savings schemes to encourage citizens’ long term financial independence

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‘We are Spanish, thus awesome’, Juan Miguel Angel de la Cruz y Sandoval, an experienced banker who initiated the project, explains. ‘We are constantly concerned with the well-being of our fellow citizens, especially women who struggle to make a living on their own. We want to support them, show them we appreciate the efforts they make to serve our society and themselves. This project is the result of over a year of negotiations with banks across Spain. I hereby salute their openness and enthusiasm.

How does it work? It’s pretty simple. We have split the amount of money we pour into women’s accounts according to a few categories. Every time someone calls a lady ‘guapa’ we add 50 cents. The amounts increase as the term of endearment gets more gratifying:  there’s  75 cents for ‘cariño’ or ‘cielito’; 1 Euro for ‘corazón’ or ‘preciosa’ in it for them. ‘Reina’ is rewarded with a fiver.

This is a socio-economic project, of course. We want to boost women’s self esteem and reduce sexism. What’s in it for the men? Men get the same amount of the women’s monthly gains with the possibility of increasing that amount as the usage of the aforementioned terms grows. To account for this we have created a ‘Cielitometer’ where you can clock in every time someone says something nice to you or you say something sweet to someone. It is trust based, obviously. How else could it work?

We put a great amount of hope in this project: boosting the economy and encouraging people to be nice to each other. Did I mention the Spanish nation is just incredible in every way? I guess I did. Well then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my daily swim in the sea. Stay tuned!’