Pyongyang. North Korea. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un had a wonderful time last night watching the first presidential debate of the 2020 election. “I sat back, relaxed, smoked some cigarettes, and watched the shithouse go up in flames.”, Mr. Jong-un candidly confessed to our reporter over the phone.
“Truth is, we do get a lot of criticism here in North Korea from the “free” world, but do you see anyone raising their voice, interrupting me while I speak, telling me to shut up? If anything we are a consistent, stable, goal-oriented nation with zero Covid-19 cases. Zero. And you know, like everyone else, I have my moments of doubt, I too go to bed believing the vile things they say about me. Ugly and hurtful things, along the lines of being a ruthless dictator, of killing innocent people for no good reason, making jokes about my weight, and saying that I have no sense of humor when they never actually took the time to talk to me in person. It does hurt my feelings, but to be honest, the American presidential candidates give me hope. I know now I’m not the worst leader out there and that’s enough sometimes, you know?”, Mr. Jong-un continued his confession giving in to a rare emotional moment.
“This is real-life politics, not Saturday Night Live, for Kim Il Sung’s sake. Do you see any racial injustice in North Korea, mass shootings, violent street protests, disrespect from political opponents, or pop music? Yet still, I am the degenerate one, right?! Just get out of here.”
“Kim Jong-il, where’s my lap dance, honey?”