The Uppermost Heavens. Archangel Raphael informed humanity this morning that God had been rushed to St. John’s Hospital in the Uppermost Heavenly Hills in order to receive treatment for what seems to be a serious vision impairment caused by the unprecedented amount of wildfire smoke rising to the skies.
Over the past thousands of years, it has not been uncommon for humans to constantly fuck things up and disturb God’s zen aura. For additional details kindly drag your ass to the library and read the Old Testament because we’re definitely not gonna get into that here. Moving on, this time humans managed to interfere with God’s physical well-being as well and we hear he’s pissed.
“While it’s been well known that God loves to turn a blind eye to earthly suffering (even to him happiness is boring), he prefers to do it out of his own free will and not because human action imposes it on him. I mean, what the fuck, guys?! Who’s the boss here?”, Archangel Raphael concluded without excusing his French.
God himself has sent a direct message to humanity, stating the following: “I have no clue what you freaking idiots are up to again, but unless you stop it, I’m gonna wipe you all out Canaanite style. Just watch me, losers. Ouch, shit. Get that tool out my eye, damn it. When’s my retina gonna be fixed?”
Doubtlessly, 2020 has been on fire like no other year: Australia, Brazil, the U.S.A., Greece. From the Uppermost Heavens, we can hear God yelling: “Jesus! Jesus F. Christ! Get over here, get me some eye drops, will ya?! And a glass of water while you’re at it. Pour it over those poor mortal souls. Show ’em we care, son.”