Hell freezes over as international community cannot foot heating bill

Planet Earth. Late Sunday night eight of the nine temperature alarms in the forechambers of hell went off. In less than three minutes, more than a dozen experts were sent onsite to analyze the unprecedented situation. The first results of their investigation show that the temperatures in hell have dropped suddenly as all energy supply has been cut off – a direct consequence of the failure to pay the heating bill for longer than four months.

“We have issued repeated warnings to the international community beginning with the month of May”, CEO of Nether Regions Thermodynamics Inc., Blythe Redd, informed our reporter. “All of our attempts to find a solution to the apparent cash flow problem were met with indifference, thus we were left with no other choice than to stop supplying humanity’s sweetest spot with its signature hotness.”

António Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations, released a statement this morning saying that most of the available financial resources were poured into finding a solution to the economic problems caused by the ongoing pandemic – plus trying to develop a vaccine. “The aforementioned efforts have lead us to the impossibility to pay off the outstanding bills. We are asking for patience and consideration as we navigate these dark waters. Needless to say, we are committed to meeting all debts with high priority.”, Mr. Guterres assured the management of Nether Regions Thermodynamics Inc. in his statement.

Employees are expected to resume their activity as early as this afternoon. Allegedly, Ms. Redd is willing to cancel humanity’s financial debt in exchange of several high profile politicians who promise to strengthen the workforce management of the Nether Regions. The negotiations are ongoing, but everyone’s hopeful as several world leaders will finally have a job they can excel at.

For more details on who they are, stay tuned. We’ll update this story as soon as more information is available. Or just, you know, use your imagination.

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