Area woman promoted to Chief of Grammar Police as word crime soars during pandemic

Correctionville, Iowa. Area woman, Shamela Weisenheimer, a devoted language enthusiast and tireless social media commentator, was promoted to Chief of Grammar Police this morning in a simple but dignified ceremony in the small city of Correctionville, Iowa. Ms. Weisenheimer is expected to succeed where all autocorrect systems have failed.

“With over 8 years of trolling experience, 4 literate pets, and an uncanny ability to always be right, Ms. Weisenheimer is the perfect choice for this position.”, retiring Grammar Police Chief, Jen Yttive, stated in a press release. “We’ve all witnessed terrible abuse of language: apostrophes, commas, possession, and plurals, from now on, you’re going to reflect much more light than a diamond on a starry night! Shamela is here to protecc, umm, to protect you. It’s gonna be magical as peace returns to the hearts of your keyboards.”

Ms. Weisenheimer also gave us a glimpse into her strategy. “Having been a dangling participle for most of my life, a modifier that doesn’t seem to modify anything, I am ready to take matters into my own hands and make a difference once and for all. With a deep-rooted love for grammar in my soul and a burning passion for the downtrodden and oppressed, I promise to take my duty seriously and restrict my doughnut intake to two per day. This city needs to be ruled with an iron fist.”

Da population of Correctionville was’nt availabble for coment and its unclear if theiyr’re’ll ever dare to utter or write an other word like ever again. God help us al, here comes Chief Weisenheimer! Ruuuuun!

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