Area woman does bi-hourly welfare checks on new houseplants


Z├╝rich. Switzerland. Three hours after realizing how cool houseplants really are, area woman Azalea Schlumberger already had 3/4 of her free space covered with plants, 25 rare succulent cuttings in the mail, and an ability to name 7 species of Peperomia off the top of her head.

“Ever since I’ve brought all these beautiful creatures into my life, my home has become much brighter, my terrace looks like a greenhouse, and my impulse control (like my bank account) is poorer than ever. And you know what? Zero regrets. My Money Tree is due for delivery this afternoon.”, Ms. Schlumberger boldly stated.

“This behavior is very common in early houseplant addiction cases and lasts approximately until the individual’s first Croton experience. You know, when they get to meet the Drama Queens of the houseplant kingdom: a lot of sunlight, but not too much, a lot of water, but not too much, blood sacrifices, but only under a full moon, etc.”, biology Professor Fern G. Reen explains. “That’s when they usually start to relax and abandon some of their helicopter plant parent behaviors.”

Another green-leaf aficionado, Bud Myrtle confirms Ms. Schlumberger’s tendencies of constantly checking on the beautiful plants. “I think this is totally normal, you never know if your houseplants are fully happy, if the Hibiscus opened its amazing flowers a little bit more, if the Fiddle-Leaf Fig didn’t run away, or the Monstera did not put forth new fenestrated and/or variegated leaves – you know, a lot can happen in 30 minutes. And besides, I just want to see if my pretties are fine, need anything, or want to talk. I also pray every night that my Begonia will not figure out she’s not a favorite. Truth is, I don’t like Begonias, but I realized it too late and don’t believe in over-watering. They’re not perennial, though? Are they?”

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