The United States of America. Things are starting to look up! After several European countries have started to relax the measures taken against the spread of the Coronvirus pandemic, President Trump announced the United States is closer than ever to finding an actual cure for the much-dreaded virus.
“After unsuccessfully trying to bribe German researchers, we decided to start working on a treatment of our own.”, (still!) President Trump announced this morning in a press conference. “We’ve made good experiences with this antidote in the past and we’re confident our nation will respond well to it. Thoughts & prayers have actually worked wonders for the victims of school shooters and amok runners with easy access to guns, but also for our homeless citizens and the people who despite working their fingers to the bone cannot afford medical care. Why wouldn’t it work now?”, President Trump asked rhetorically.
Scientists and researchers inform that thoughts & prayers have reached the last stage of clinical testing and the results look more than promising. “In a couple of weeks we will be able to move to the next stage, then we’ll just need to surpass the challenge of finding a colorful, inspiring packaging and establish which motivational quote to stick to it. Exciting times!”, Dr. Matt E. Synn, the leader of the research team informed in the same press conference.
“It’s all a matter of perspective”, President Trump clarifies. “You just have to believe and want it badly enough. Things will eventually go your way.”
However, reader, if thoughts and prayers do not seem like the universal antidote to right every wrong and neither does injecting yourself with disinfectant (WhatTheActualF***?!), life always gives you a second chance in November. Don’t mess it up, though, it might be your last stop before reaching the real thoughts and prayers level and from what we hear, it’s a tough one in a survival horror game.