Planet Earth. It wasn’t long after the Catholic and Orthodox Easter festivities of 2020 that an overwhelming number of individuals took the Bachaholics Anonymous Organizations by storm.
“We haven’t seen such a surge in numbers of participants since last Easter. People have come to us seeking help as they could simply not stop listening to Bach. We know it better than anybody else that Easter is the time of the year with the highest trigger potential. Who can resist Bach’s Saint John Passion? Who can bear to listen to his Saint Matthew Passion only once? We are here to provide support to all of those whose lives have been touched by Bach a tad too much.”, the local manager of Bachoholics Anonymous, Thomas Kantor, declared for The Morning Sunset earier today.
“I was leading a normal life”, an anonymous Bachoholic confesses. “Things were going great, I had a good job, a family. Then one day I was zapping through the channels on my TV. I was just bored and out of ideas, when I discovered Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto No. 6. All I can say right now is that I am out of a job and my wife recently left me. You may think it stopped there, but after the Brandenburg Concertos the Cello Suites followed and by the time I had worked myself up to the Well-Tempered Clavier Book II, my life was in shambles. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. All I think about is where the other 3 Passions are and what they would have sounded like. Please, help me. I need to get my life Bach on track. Or do you happen to have a recording of the Saint Mathew Passion by Herreweghe? Just 5 minutes. 5 more minutes and I’ll go clean. Please.”
“This is a classic case,” Mr. Thomas Kantor explains. “We deal with people who feel like this on a daily basis. Our 12 step program is bound to help individuals with that exact mindset. Additionally, we’ve received requests from people who, apart from Bach’s oratorios, came dangerously close to overdosing on Messiah over the Easter holidays. Unfortunately, we are not able to help everyone and had to be redirect these cases to qualified organizations who can Handel them. They’re easier to cure, the stubborn cases are always Bach-related.”, Mr. Thomas Kantor concluded, shaking his head. “We recommend our members to keep calm and follow our 12 step program. Make no mistake though, sooner or later we are all bound to relapse. Addiction is an endless spiral whose only direction is Bach.”