Bats apologize for flying directly into people’s plates spreading diseases


Scientists have traced the origin of the pandemic-worthy virus back to the fascinating mammals of the Chiroptera order also known as bats. Faced with irrefutable evidence, backed into a corner by unequivocal human forensic skill, the international bat leader, Mariana Frootbatt has issued an apology for causing the difficult current situation.

“I speak in my own name and in the name of all my brothers and sisters, megabats, microbats, the eternally misunderstood vampire bats, and the hammerhead bats, who despite being a bit of an eyesore are a beloved part of our family. We would all like to apologize for the incredible destruction caused by the recklessness of our wuhan-based community. What were we thinking, flying into pots with boiling water, flying directly into people’s plates, and even into their mouths while they were having lunch or dinner?! Of course, under these circumstances, the affected individuals had no other choice but to ingest our brothers and sisters. We are deeply sorry for the pain this may have caused and ask you to kindly forgive us, while we reassure you that we are improving our echolocation abilities and installing GPS devices on members of our community who are unable to echolocate on their own. Yes, I am looking at you fruitbats! These measures are bound to reduce the risk of forced ingestion by faulty direction. Oh, speaking of which, sorry for Ebola too. So silly of us.”

Although not much can be done to reverse the past and current situation, an apology was not only welcome but also expected. Knowing that bats understand their mistake and take responsibility for it is a source of relief and gratification to humans all over the world.

Pangolins, you’re next.

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