Special Easter Offer: The Catholic Church reinstates indulgences centuries after their abolition

ablassbrief

Wittenberg. Germany. In order to make up for the peculiar Easter holiday of 2020 (Pandemics, etc.) the Catholic Church decided to reintroduce the once-beloved and deeply-missed indulgence system.

“After quite a few centuries there should be no more bad blood over small things. At some point, we must leave the past behind. Today, navigating these hard times, we are open-heartedly there for our congregations worldwide. You know you can always count on us. Lay down the heavy burden of having to stay at home and the guilt of leading an unbalanced lifestyle while doing so. Do not feel intimidated by the countless empty Coke cans, nor put to shame by the mounting chocolate wrappings. You pay, we deliver inner peace right to your door! Of course, our services are also available online. Just download our secure and user-friendly app “PayForPeace”, Gotthelf Bleibtreu, spokesperson for the catholic congregation in Saxony-Anhalt informs.

“I salute this initiative”, Maria C., an enthusiastic user writes in her online review. “For years I looked for a way to pay for my sins. Literally, pay. I think the exchange is pretty fair and really practical. I want to thank the Catholic Church for this great Easter present. Will definitely come back for more!”

Short history lesson: Letters of indulgence were initially introduced by the Catholic Church in the Middle Ages. An indulgence is a way to reduce the amount of punishment one has to undergo for sins and can be purchased by believers for a certain amount of money. A system that worked rather well until a certain Martin Luther got really pissed off and felt the need to reform the Church as a consequence of that. Contemporary researchers connect Luther’s overreaction with an explosive fight with his mother in law the evening prior to the 95 Theses incident. This theory, however, remains controversial.

Five hundred years after Mr. Luther’s showdown, the Catholic Church works up the courage to offer you again the possibility of cleaning your conscience starting from €50. Excess and sin will be removed from your operating system discreetly and elegantly. Of course, we prepared a special Easter offer for you: for only €35, we will carry away all evidence of your insatiable appetite for toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and hoarding face masks.

Our platform is open 24/7 and addresses all types of remorse. We assure you in all honesty that Martin Luther’s spirit was not purposefully harmed during the process.

The Catholic Church, Your Church, wishes you Happy Easter and blessed holidays!

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