Washington D.C. USA. “It has taken a lot of time and effort to determine the United States to switch to the metric system and join the world in normality.”, says none other than the President of the United States, Donald Trump. “We believe it is a good time to adopt much-needed changes. Now more than ever we must stand united amidst the global crisis. This is our way of expressing solidarity with the rest of the world. Forget feet, miles, yards, and cups. I mean, what kind of cups do we mean? Small cups, big cups? What measuring unit is that after all?”, President Trump asks rhetorically without being completely wrong for the first time in his political career.
“This is one of the most important measures the government will implement to protect its people from the outbreak of the coronavirus. With the USA being the current epicenter of the pandemic, we decided to act late rather than never and address systemic needs, as well as send a strong message to the people that they are not alone. We are here to bring you the unhoped-for gift of the meter, the kilogram, and the liter.”, President Trump added in a press conference on Monday morning.
“The press always had its way of exaggerating and blowing things out of proportion, that is why we must adapt numbers to fit our best interest. This is one of the great advantages of the metric system. People will be quite confused by the change. Worry not! We are here to confuse you further, our Republican stunts are of great value to each and every one of us, now more than ever”, Mike Pence supported President Trump’s announcement.
The White House has sent a strong message to the population: stay at home and do not risk your life unless the overall economical loss is higher than your personal worth, practice your conversions from ounces to grams, and stock up on guns, so when the virus steps on your porch you can shoot it right in the face. The clear recommendation comes after President Trump failed to bribe a team of German scientists in order to secure a potential vaccine exclusively for the American population. “I guess this falls into the “bummer” category of this pandemic.”, the president expressed his disappointment concerning the aforementioned development.
The Trump administration is also seriously considering to drop the term “soccer” and adopt the universal term “football” for the fascinating sport where people kick the ball for 90 minutes too long. “We are confident that these measures will reduce the contagion rate and provide the American people with a sense of security.”
“Sit back, relax, and watch the outpour of gratitude wash over us. This is how you face a pandemic, people! Yeeeeehaaawww! We’ve got this!”, Mike Pence replied to Donald Trump as they patted each other’s backs. “We’ve got this, man!”, answered Trump looking more orange than ever.