Fitness tracker congratulates area man for walking all the way up to the fridge


Zürich. Switzerland. Today we visited one of the most willing and able self-isolators in our city. Meet Niklaus Siegenthaler, the network engineer turned professional gamer, who welcomed us with open arms into his lovely home (pretty unusual considering local social customs). Of course, he welcomed us metaphorically, as this interview was conducted via video call to protect each other from the omnipresent coronavirus threat.

Apart from that, in Switzerland, it is strongly discouraged to engage in any sort of social interaction, a recommendation we have taken very seriously. Although there is no law to prevent us from meeting whoever we want inside our homes, we are aware that it is best to stay away from people and bring the risk of infection as close to zero as possible. Additionally, we would like to promote the idea of maintaining a grandma-free conscience, meaning we encourage you not to risk passing the virus to anybody’s lovely grandma thus bringing unwanted and unfortunate developments in her life. At the same time, we are actively trying to set an example for our readers, and want to stress the importance of not meeting anyone at all in person for as long as this crisis will last (Introverts, take it away!).

There are several other strong arguments supporting our decision to conduct this interview online but you’re probably already wondering why this intro is so unnecessarily long. Don’t be a child now, please, we will send you some secret screenshots of Niklaus’ place later on so you can check it out. It’s pretty neat, although we haven’t found anything compromising. Oh, wait! Is that his toilet paper supply?!

– Hello there, Niklaus and thanks for joining us today!
– Oh, hi! Thanks for having me!

How have you been keeping up so far? How’s the quarantine treating you?
– Oh, you know, I can’t complain. I wake up, drink a cup of tea, start gaming, get distracted by some minor thing, which leads me to consider the vulnerability of the human race, reflect on our mortality, and wonder how many hearts will die tonight. Then I fix myself something to eat and enjoy a cold beer on the balcony. Inevitably, at some point, I turn on the news and my anxiety levels soar. Alternatively, I turn the TV off and think it’s not so bad, it will pass, gotta stay focused, the trees are blooming, and someday I’ll take that trip to New York. Although probably not this year, this year’s done for, and nobody is gonna reimburse the time we have lost, not even Proust. Oh, God, I still haven’t read Proust. What am I doing with my life?! You know, the usual pandemic rollercoaster.

– I see. Ooookay then, Niklaus
– Hey! Let me tell you what happened to me the other day. I got out of bed and walked through the hall, did a round tour of the living room, opened the balcony door to get some fresh air, stepped outside for a moment to enjoy the landscape, then headed towards the fridge, naturally. And guess what? My fitness tracker beeped! In all honesty, I even forgot it was there! It had just congratulated me for having completed 35 steps that day. I mean, it’s nothing, but it felt so nice! I felt like a winner.

– Wow, that’s amazing, Klaus. Is it okay if I call you that?
– Sure, no problem.

– Thanks, Klaus.
– You’re welcome.

– So, you’re trying to stay active despite everything?
– Absolutely, I walk up and down in my bedroom, occasionally visit the office and admire my books (to be clear, I did that before all of this too), I cruise through the bathroom and usually land on the sofa with a big portion of everything that I shouldn’t be having. Delicious!

– I mean, you’ve got to bring some joy to your life.
– Exactly, especially now after I’ve ordered an indoor bicycle. I could have been so happy at home, alone, with no possibility whatsoever to go to the gym. We do have the best excuse in the world now, don’t we? But no, we humans just can’t escape our self-sabotaging ways sometimes.

– Let’s talk Netflix.
– Please don’t. I’m already bored.

– Okay, Klaus. Fair enough.
– How about your toilet paper stash? Is that what’s peeping at us from behind that thick curtain?

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep ————————————————

– Klaus, can you hear us? Klaus, are you still there?
Hello? Can you hear us?
Hello, Klaus?

Apparently, the connection was dropped and it was not possible to restore it.
Fear not! We’ll be back soon with the results of our new investigation:

Is or isn’t Klaus the Toilet Paper Dragon who has taken hostage all the toilet paper rolls of Zürich and some parts of Aargau as well?

Stay tuned to find out!


Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.

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