Parks, restaurants, and concert halls reopen* with pandemic on hold for 24 hours on April 1


Planet Earth. After several months of impending doom and weeks of quarantine and self-isolation, human beings are allowed to take a break from the pandemic on this special day. Governments around the world pronounced April 1 pandemic-free! This measure was taken in order to give people their much-wanted liberty back even if only for 24 hours.

“We are not apartment pets.”, sociologist Saul Shelly Ockward concludes. Many of us realize this now more than ever. We are energized by the possibility to interact, to move freely, to be able to see new places and alternate our activities as often as possible. We’re not talking exploring South-East Asia now, we’re talking about a walk to the store, a picnic in the park or a bicycle ride by the lake. Locking people up even for short periods of time changes their psychological balance. We’ve even observed a few introverts peeking outside from behind their curtains. That’s how we know the situation is rather serious.” psychologist Lorne Wolfe explains.

Placed under pressure by the WHO and the national psychological associations, governments around the world decided to provide their citizens with a glimpse into how things used to be.

“People may go outside, walk their pets freely, go to the movies, attend concerts, have dinner at their favorite restaurant, take day trips, and ride the train or the tram, according to preference.”, Corine Mauch, Mayor of Zürich informed.

“It is important that people choose their activities wisely as they are limited to today only. After intense negotiations, we have managed to reach an agreement with the coronavirus. The virus willingly laid down its weapons for 24 hours in exchange for decreased media coverage. You would not believe the mental toll this sudden exposure has taken on the tiny parasitic agent who was just doing its job.”, WHO Director-General Dr. Tedros Adhanom declared.

What are you still doing here reading this? Hurry up, go outside, live a little!
The special offer ends at midnight and don’t try the shoe trick, that one only works in German fairy-tales.

Kindly be aware that this is a satirical newspaper article. Do not take the recommendations seriously, do not go outside, the pandemic did NOT get paused for 24h. Our goal is to make you laugh, if possible, from the comfort of your home where you spend your time in quarantine and self-isolation.  And why shouldn’t you be allowed to laugh a little, you law-abiding, empathetic, self-sacrificing, dear person? Stay inside, keep giggling, and stop taking things literally, will you?! 😄

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