Planet Earth. Follwing the worldwide quarantine caused by the coronavirus pandemic, quite a few governments presented their citizens with the possibility to postpone their 2020 new year’s resolutions until next year.
“For obvious reasons, we have taken economical and social measures to protect our people from the impact of the current situation: we suspended their mortgages, we supported the economy by injecting billions of dollars into local businesses, we stocked up all the hospitals with much needed protective gear. Now it is time to think of all the people who slowly realize that all their hopes, dreams, and plans for 2020 have been cancelled.”, Bill de Blasio, mayor of New York declared in a press conference this morning.
“It is important to support our citizens in matters of physical health, economical wellbeing, but also care for their mental fitness. We know many of you committed yourselves to change at the beginning of the year. Many of you pledged to lose weight, practice moderation, and save money. Judging from what local stores look like now, we know that none of those resolutions have been taken very far. Don’t worry, we are here to help!”, Simonetta Sommaruga, President of the Swiss Confederation told the press on Sunday morning.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures. Although, what the heck do you do with all that toilet paper?”, a concerned Donald Trump asked the public, displaying less asshole awareness than expected.
“Together we have decided to move the globe’s entire goals to 2021. We ask for your understanding and cooperation as we are facing a year of sacrifice. Please set your mind on lowering your expectations, cleaning like OCD just became a thing, and watching reruns of shows that always have been below your dignity level.”, Tedros Adhanon, Director General of the World Health Organization declared for The Morning Sunset earlier today.
“This year your only job is to stay at home”, he continued. “The rest is up to us, as we officially defer all your resolutions to next year, or the next, or the one thereafter.”