Toilet paper upgraded from the bottom to the very centre of human existence

Planet Earth. It is safe to say that the last few months have been some of the shittiest in recent history, except for one special item.

Taken for granted since the second half of the 19th century, toilet paper has been making people happy by providing them with a sense of security, stability, and dignity. Now a time has come to give back to the quiet hero of the modern age.

“It is my time to shine, albeit figuratively. It has not been easy for me and my kind to be deprived of recognition for so long. From countless scents to cute Disney figures printed on our softest sides nothing could rescue us from anonymity. Things are about to change now, aren’t they? Who’s your next Poopstar now? You know, when everything comes to a halt, there are certain things that just won’t stop running.”, declared a toilet paper roll visibly inebriated by the overwhelming wave of attention from the public. “I just never knew what it felt like to be in demand like this before.”

Ph.D. Holly Crapp, a psychologist and lecturer at the University of Vermont, explains the shift in human perception. “In the face of a pandemic, such as the one we are dealing with now, priorities change, survival instincts kick in, accompanied by an increased need for comfort in times of uncertainty. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have brought us to a point where we are deeply comforted by possessing more toilet paper than our neighbors.”

World Leaders guarantee that there is enough tissue to weather the shitstorm and recommend a moderate acquisition of the most wanted item since El Chapo’s last arrest in 2016. “It is essential for the good health of the entire humanity that less fortunate individuals also be able to wipe thoroughly in the comfort of their homes. Help yourselves by helping others get their shit together.”, was the message transmitted by British Prime Minister Boris Johnson in a shocking moment of lucidity.

As toilet paper rolls worldwide are overdosing on their 15 minutes of fame, specialists present humans with several alternatives to scatological overthinking. Their tips include trying to limit the time spent in the restroom, reinforcing that resting is also possible in the living room or bedroom, re-watching 20 seasons worth of Law and Order or stopping to smell the roses, you crinkled stars, you!




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