Epidemiologists expose indifference, hypocrisy as 87% deadlier than the Coronavirus

Geneva. Switzerland. Director-General of the World Health Organization, Theodore Adam Whitehat, confirmed this morning in a press conference that while the Coronavirus has had the power to throw the entire globe (sorry, Flatearthers) into generalized hysterics and raise fearmongering to the general population’s favorite hobby, indifference and hypocrisy cause way more deaths around the world and have been doing so for a considerable amount of time before the virus came along.

“We don’t want to start comparing numbers. A human life is, of course, more than just a number, yet looking at the evidence, since 2014 approximately 20.000 war refugees have died trying to cross the Mediterranean in rubber boats in hope of reaching safe shores. Many governments, including the Italian one, denied entry to these boats filled with women, children and sick people. Not impressed?

Take Yemen. UNICEF describes the current situation in Yemen as “the largest humanitarian crisis in the world, with more than 24 million people – some 80 percent of the population – in need of humanitarian assistance, including more than 12 million children.” You do the ethical math”, Dr. Whitehat declared. “Does the media support them in any way and is information about these children presented as breaking news? Are the incredible difficulties in Gaza, Syria, Somalia or South Sudan familiar to you or are they incompatible with topics that are cleared for dinner time? Did someone say Pizza?”

One individual, whose anonymity we were requested to respect, gives insight into his perspective: “These wars, the famine, the children who die, they are reserved for the Barbarian. We don’t have these kinds of problems here, so why should we get involved? What can I do about it, even if I’d want to do something? It’s not like this threatens my flatscreen TV and the cold beer in my fridge. I’m just telling it like it is. It’s too bad for them, but I’m late for tennis.”

Media outlets defend themselves by explaining that non-white deaths, although at the present moment an inevitable exception was made for the Asian countries involved, are not as interesting and catchy as a new, cool and vibrant virus who threatens to shatter the comfort of middle-class sandcastles. “It’s kinda exciting for people to watch, pure entertainment at its best and thus amazing business, of course. It’s dangerous, but not for everyone, that’s what makes it kind of fun. It gets people hooked while also giving them a sense of superiority as it affects mostly the old and vulnerable. Not to sound mean, but they’ve sorta had their shot at life, what else do they want? Live forever?”, an anonymous press representative declared.

Dr. Whitehat concluded his statement with the grim estimation that indifference, surpassed only by hypocrisy, will be the leading cause of death in the world by 2025. But that’s okay because something like that could never affect us in any way.

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