Beyond a reasonable doubt: Corona beer tests negative for Coronavirus

Bottles of Corona beer relaxing after their acquittal in the court of public opinion

Ciudad de México. México. The delicious alcoholic beverage has been cleared of extremely damaging defamation this very morning after undergoing multiple tests over the weekend.

“It is incredible that the name association is considered potentially dangerous. As Coronavirus wreaks havoc across the globe, the only things spread by the homonymous beer are cheerfulness, vibrancy, and the occasional mild headache, Manito”, so the Quality Manager of Cervecería Modelo, Cher Veza Morales.

“We cannot stress enough that by discriminating Corona beer based on its name tag is committing a grave injustice.”, explains International Beer Equality advocate, Toma Ya Man. Science has finally managed to demonstrate that this delicious beverage has absolutely nothing to do with the rapid spreading of the deadly virus. “The extensive tests conducted over the past weekend on all Corona beer batches prove beyond a reasonable doubt, that the beer is clear of any and all potentially harming viruses.”, Dr. Juan Nemesio, Head of Infectious Diseases Department of the General Hospital of Mexico, explains.

“Órale, the history of mankind has shown us it is hard to fight man’s irrational tendencies.”, Alejandra Duchamp, Sociology Professor at the University of Guadalajara explains. “Looking at it from this point of view, the fact that people associate things with no connection whatsoever should not come as a surprise. It has been done for hundreds of years by the Catholic Church, for example.”

The Mexican government has issued a public statement, informing that it is not only safe to drink Corona beer while the coronavirus runs rampant, but also recommended. “We vouch for mood stimulation and overall well-being, decreased catastrophic thinking and, last but not least, a 20% to 25% increased fluency in Spanish after consuming the right amount of Mexico’s most treasured export product. Available online and in local stores, we recommend going for a bigger stash, in case your city will be put under quarantine.”

Start shopping ahorita, caramba!

%d bloggers like this: