Study finds babies called Bertram already 80 years old at birth


Glasgow. United Kingdom.  No, this is not a tale of the jazz age by F. Scott Fitzgerald, it is the shocking reality determined by a groundbreaking study performed at the University of Glasgow. After a careful look into unpopular and outdated baby names, the researchers found the root cause of them passing into oblivion and it`s not what you think.

“Names such as Bertram, Clarence, Hiram or Elmer are names which one does not come across very often these days, but it is not because they have been forgotten. It is because children whose parents opt for these names are already 80 years old at birth.”, Ph.D. Tom Buchanan reveals.

“We are searching for the causal link between the two and doubtless,  it is going to be a long and painstaking process, but our human subjects, if anything,  are only getting younger.” Ph.D. Amory Blaine, a fellow researcher, adds.

“It is important to mention that this phenomenon is not restricted to our wonderfully green Caledonia. We have identified similar cases in Germany among newborns who carry the names Wolfgang, Willibald or Kunibert, as well as in Spain among babies named Arquimimo, Leovigildo or Fulgencio. We have uncovered a variety of cases affecting baby boys and are yet to analyze how this phenomenon affects female newborns.”, Ph.D. Nicole Diver emphasizes.

Researchers are reluctant to make recommendations as to whether parents should keep naming their children as previously mentioned before there is solid proof that it’s all in the name. “Personally, I would opt again and again for the old school version and the vintage baby look to the detriment of fresh creations of the hyperactive human imagination such as Jaydien, Sketch or Zebulon.”, Tu Morrow Hashtag, parent of one of the elderly babies stated for The Morning Sunset late this afternoon.

Witten by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.

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