Scientific evidence shows that Poltergeister of Hollywood are irresistibly attracted to kitchenware


Hollywood. L.A. California. It is undeniable that certain ghosts and paranormal forces have a thing for loud noises. In an attempt to understand their passion for causing a commotion, a group of scientists started to study the phenomenon. “It is a well-known fact that the undead want our attention”, Poltergeist Expert Dr. Elias Spektor declares. “Last time I sat down with a possessed spirit from the Other Side, it told me its main motivation for interacting with the living was to kill time (no pun intended).”

While some poltergeister like to draw attention by hurting the living with sharp objects or alternatively dedicate themselves to breaking framed family photos (especially those resting on mantlepieces), some more refined and more experienced haunted souls, prefer to build up momentum before going in for the eventual kill. “These are our rockstars, these are the ghosts who make it big. It’s simple really, they are willing and able to put on a show and a scary one at that! Hollywood directors and producers more often than not recruit the next house-haunter, kid-snatcher, vindictive-undead-spirit from among these confident alpha shadowy presences.”, Mr. Spektor clarifies. “Moreover, while carrying out our investigation and studying various such spirits, it was scientifically proven that 99,99% of the undead population displayed an irresistible attraction towards kitchenware. Pans, pots, plates – you name it!”

“It is especially effective when the living are sleeping or feel safe in the comfort of their home while watching a movie, taking a bath (although for bathing humans we engage special powers). Personally, I just love to smash pans against each other and throw cutlery around! It’s so much fun and it works every time. They get scared s**tless.”, a fork-loving spirit of the underworld, who prefers to maintain anonymity, declared for The Morning Sunset in the dead of night.

“Whatever you do, go out with a bang, not a whimper!”, says Casper, a friendly ghost still struggling to boost his evil spirit reputation. “Look, I bent a knife! Yaaaaay!”

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