Trump administration releasing prerecorded video of thoughts and prayers, to be played after each mass shooting

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Washington, D.C. After Donald Trump’s sleep was disturbed this Saturday morning by yet another mass shooting, this time in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, he knew it was high time to take action. It was unacceptable that another incident of this type forced him out of the comfort of his bed yet again. “We need to stop wasting time”, he thought to himself. “We need to stop wasting my time!”

“Today I am going to record a very short video, and then distribute it to all the news outlets in the country. I don’t want to have to come out and travel to God knows where each time this happens. Basically, we just repeat the same things over and over again, after each mass shooting. I might as well send my standardized thoughts and prayers via video. The IT people can modify details such as the exact location and the number of  victims according to each situation if they’re not total losers, which they probably are.”

“I don’t know if you noticed but the number of shootings is like really yuuuge. I’m in the big league, guys, I have got literally no time to go comfort all those whiners who lost their loved ones. In a country where some people’s right to bear arms is more important than other people’s right to breathe, I’m like…we’re praying and thinking of you, now go cry in the corner or something. Jeeesus. I got a wall to build, people. Come on, let’s make America great again. Just stop whining. Here are your thoughts and prayers. What a total disaster.”

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