Barcelona. Spain. “Everything you know about evolution is wrong”, Ph.D. Roberto Bibiano states in a groundbreaking study about the evolution of species from fish to terrestrial animals. The main focus of Dr. Bibiano’s study is to establish the reasoning behind such an important evolutionary shift. Fueled by the initial question What on Earth can make any being in its right mind want to stop living in water?, professor Bibiano has conducted an important study and is here today to present its conclusions.
“Darwin is history. There is clear evidence that fish have consciously decided about 3 million years ago to venture outside of their natural habitat and explore the world beyond. We have observed that this sudden change was synchronous with another defining moment in the psychobiological history of the species. Not long after fish developed speaking abilities something started to change dramatically. Amazed by the newfound possibility to express themselves, female fish were unable to stop talking, voicing millions of years of concerns and unspoken feelings, as well as detailed information about the character and actions of their female neighbors and coworkers, not sparing even the cutest starfish. I mean, seriously!?
Evidence points to the fact that this took a considerable toll on fish life and male productivity. While the female vocabulary is measured at approximately 30.000 fish words, the male vocabulary is said to be as humble as a few phrases: yes, no and I’m hungry. It was only a matter of time until new challenges were raised among couples by this imbalance. It seems that at a certain point male fish decided to put an end to the overwhelming linguistic burden and face a dry and hostile world on their own. Many died in the attempt, some on rocky, some on sandy beaches, until one of them was able to set his newly formed foot on firm ground and walk away.
It’s a fascinating process if you come to think of how far some species are willing to go to escape their loquacious partners. The struggle is real, no doubt about it.
Also, important findings show that timing is of the essence. This evolutionary step was possible three million years ago, but can you imagine something similar happening today? Legend says there’s a feminazi next to a semiautomatic on every beach in the world waiting for her man to evolve.
On secluded riverbanks of the Amazon, it is said that tribes can still hear the female fish chatting away, this being one of the reasons why the indigenous people moved further away from the water and into the rainforest. “We just needed our peace and quiet after a certain amount of time listening to their stories”, Captain RedClaw informs.
On a personal note, I would like to point out the following, much as each and every species may have changed, evolved, and adapted to hostile environments over time, we are yet to achieve a status where no human name will ever end in “Ano”, Ph.D. Bibiano stated. I will probably not live to see that day, but I sure hope my grandchildren will if they don’t live too close to water.
Written by Ana-Maria Taut on a suggestion by Anonymous.