Barcelona, Spain. “I am an adult woman. I cross the street only when I am supposed to, I keep my expectations in check and I don’t eat funny ice cream flavors. But when I lose at Super Mario Bros., I freaking effing lose all my sh*****. I mean yes, world hunger and preventable deaths, but have you ever gotten as far as world 6-4 to lose all your lives in a down-spiral of mistakes, anger, and regret? I mean heavy drug demises have nothing on this type of pain. Suddenly my swearword amnesia is lifted and the f and m and s words start dancing around the room. It is what it is.
So you can imagine my heartbreak when randomly checking a certain YouTube channel just to find that a certain player has found the key to all the tricks that let you pass through all the worlds (no warp zone shortcuts) WITHOUT dying once, and rescuing Princess Peach with 10 lifetimes of togetherness left. I mean…it’s hard to believe this level of skill, Pii98!
Consequently, I am writing this letter to let you know that I am suing you for doping. I hope you can understand, that you cannot get ahead of the whole world by playing tricks and ingesting performance-enhancing drugs. You run fast, you jump high like it’s 1985, you stop when you need to stop without ever getting hurt, losing your armor or turning small. Really, Pii98? You think we’re that stupid? Are you aware of how that makes us feel? Do you ever stop to think about how hard the withdrawal period is when we have to go to work or take out the trash and can’t be there to rescue Princess Peach when she needs us the most? We can’t stay in front of the screen all day and take whatever you’re taking.
Whatever it is that you’re on, a judge will find you and he will ki…, make you take a complete drug test. I am already personally working on uncovering your whereabouts. It won’t be long, I promise. And from what I hear the punishment is severe. They can sentence you to a lifelong playtime as Luigi. I wanna see how you’re gonna like that.
It sounds like it’s time to come clean and lose every now and then, like the rest of us Super Mario Bros. obsessed souls out there. I mean it’s even more relatable, Pii98. You don’t want to put that kind of pressure on today’s 30-year-old kids, do you?
P.S. Ain’t the 1985 original like the coolest game ever in all history of time? Oh, and what’s your favorite world? It’s okay if you write back from prison. I’ll wait.”
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.