London. UK. Industrious British scientists found themselves working long hours in order to publish the results of a yearlong research on marriage dissolution while the topic is still hot in Hollywood. ‘We just hope it would give our study a push and someone might actually read and mind it’, Sean Connery of the University of Cambridge informs us. ‘First of all, we would like to point out that we do see parallels between normal human behavior and celebrity behavior. For example, studies find women with reconstructive breast surgery to be twice more likely to get cheated on by healthy husbands’, Bradley Cooper, a relationship adviser involved in the research adds. He also informs us that while on the phone with Brad Pitt, the latter confessed: ‘I’m more of a boobs kind of guy! I mean, there’s nothing wrong with… other body parts…but man, boobs are my everything.’
Bradologists’ contribution was requested in order to give the study a fresh, trendy, pop-culture twist. Looking back on Pitt’s first divorce they state: ‘Friends warned Jennifer that the Curse of the Annoying Haircut was bound to hit sooner or later. She didn’t listen and it got the best of her marriage, as should happen to every woman who does not focus on pleasing her man with her looks.’ Upon contacting Brad he commented: ‘Jen was to me more like a week old bread that you eat because you’re out of cash and your parents haven’t wired you any money yet. While Angie is a steaming chocolate muffin that comes to you in the morning and softly lands on your tongue. Just imagine a house cat next to a majestic snow leopard. A puddle next to the beautiful, deep, dark oce… ‘
‘Thank you, Brad. It is safe to say that our readers get the idea’, Bradley interrupted. ‘Tell us rather if you have any concerns regarding the transition of your new girlfriend from mistress to …wife?’ Brad, was a bit reluctant to give such private details about his budding romance, but in the end, he agreed to tell us that he does have doubts about their names converging to something as organic and perfect as Brangelina. ‘It’s hard to top that, you know. But, there you go. You win some, you lose some.’
Looking at the demise of both of Pitt’s marriages, Bradologists’ findings coincide with those of regular scientists. We find the common factor in divorce to be none other than getting married in the first place. ‘Every divorced couple is divorced because they willingly walked down the aisle, and they probably did it to an unnecessarily sappy love song too. What can you expect?’, Celine Dion of the University of York discloses.
To make this study more interactive and appealing, a few passersby were questioned about their opinion on the Jolie-Pitt fiasco. Anne Boleyn, a pedestrian, revealed that she has never quite forgiven Brad for leaving Jen, while Anne Cleves, a shoplifter, expressed that she would have personally chosen Angie over Jen any day of the week ‘for her ravishing beauty’.
It was Thomas Cromwell, a Buddhist monk, who exclaimed: “I was always on the no care train. They are all garbage.”