Los Angeles. USA. Humans worldwide breathe easy after news of the dissolution of Angelina Jolie’s and Brad Pitt’s marriage reached them yesterday morning. “It cannot be a coincidence that today is the International Day of Peace – there is about as much truth in love as peace in international”, one of our readers messaged us. And now we know it for a fact: if Brangelina hasn’t got it figured out, nobody has. And that’s fine! That’s absolutely perfect! Decades of pressure and expectation have been lifted from the shoulders of housewives, working mothers, girlfriends and mistresses alike, only to vanish into thin air. A sweet sound of relief could be heard after news broke out, disturbed only by Jennifer Aniston’s uncontrollable laughter (as reported).
When contacted by a member of our staff, Brad Pitt candidly declared: “It is a truth universally acknowledged that no matter how wonderful a marriage and how beautiful and smart the children, an affair is simply sweeter. You don’t mess with that. That’s sacred.” The world nodded in perfect agreement and Ashley Madison servers crashed again, this time not under a hacker’s impressive skill, but under the overwhelming joy of validation and confirmation. ‘Love, as we understand it in our society today, is an act of discrimination’, Pitt continued. ‘How egoistical and unempathetic can someone be, in order to censor such a gift and limit it to one household? Stop a moment to think about it.’
Angelina Jolie was not immediately reachable for comment, but we’ll keep trying (unless Oprah snatches her sincere, heartfelt confession first).
Oh, you crazy kids! We’re having so much fun!