ISIS ceases all operation after Samantha's request reaches leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

Somewhere in Syria. Saturday morning ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has ordered all ISIS militants to immediately cease fire and suspend worldwide bombing operations after reading Samantha’s Facebook post asking them nicely, but firmly to stop ITTTTTT. Like for real.

“I was moved to tears by your sincere request”, al-Baghdadi private messaged Samantha instantly. “I don’t know what is wrong with us and the human race. It’s like we are possessed by dark demons and you saved us. You saved me, Sammy. Can I call you Sammy? I just feel like you’re a sister to me.” Samantha replied with an awestruck “OMG, YES”. It was between the lines of these two unforgettable sentences that a beautiful friendship was born and the world returned to its peaceful rhythm of petty crime, wife-beatings, and corporate money laundering.

Drug Cartel leaders are throwing a worldwide party tonight to celebrate a chance at recapturing the spotlight. “We felt ignored for a really long time and it hurt like a motherfucker. I mean, what did ISIS have that we didn’t?”, MS13 leader declares from the safety of anonymity. “Our doors are open to everyone. Come enjoy a drink or a 7-year-old with us! Whatever your taste may be, you are welcome.” Rumor has it that tonight all rivalry between cartels has been suspended and everyone can party with everyone. “Like a Purge in reverse”, Juan Pablo Ledezma, leader of rival Juárez Cartel added.

When asked by Samantha, if he would come out to meet her for a coffee the following Sunday, al-Baghdadi showed some reserve, revealing his softer side. “Small steps, Sammy” he answered.”I knew it”, Samantha congratulated herself, “he is nothing but a shy, humble, insecurity ridden individual deep down like the rest of us.” Of course, she knew better than to try and push him. Her breakthrough was still major and these things usually take time.

For old time’s sake, Samantha sent al-Baghdadi a throwback pic of the last ISIS attack on her city to which he answered: “LOL, you silly cat!” Some confusion was raised as to whether this was a friendly text or if al-Baghdadi was trying to flirt with Samantha in a strange Middle-Eastern way. Patience, Samantha, patience. With these things, only time can tell.

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