Feminists suspect patriarchy of foul play in nationwide case of missing hair ties

Bath. UK. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a dissatisfied woman in possession of a reason to complain must be in want of a male culprit.

Reports of missing hair ties are on the rise throughout the nation. Subsequently, due to the high volume of cases police have made the investigation of this phenomenon a top priority. Feminists have been called to the rescue to stop this worrying trend.

Clues point to the fact that male representatives of the species have developed a plan to make hair ties used by female representatives vanish. Whether in hotel rooms, rented apartments or responsibly owned mini villas, a pattern has been observed: whenever a woman lets her hair down a hair tie disappears, never to be seen again.

Once a pattern has been identified, feminists found no difficulty in spotting the perpetrator. The Patriarchy has been undermining female identity since the invention of the narrative we call reality. It is a matter of logic to identify its schemes as the main culprit for disturbance in society. Moreover, it is impossible that a physical object vanishes without a trail. Both male and female officers agree on this matter.

Since having been identified as the main suspect the Patriarchy has been on the run. Attempts to apprehend and incarcerate it have been unsuccessful.

If you find your hair ties are missing, report this immediately to your nearest police station and lock your doors. Make sure you stack up on hair ties until the Patriarchy is abolished or if you are a real woman: cut your hair.

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