Torchburg. Mississippi. In the early hours of Saturday, firefighters were called to extinguish a fire reported at the city campus. Apparently, John Smith, an unremarkable student majoring in fermentation sciences has set his room on fire by using an electric stove in an attempt to cook methamphetamine. Fortunately, he removed the concoction from the stove before blowing the whole building up but forgot to unplug the device resulting in the loss of his life. The community is mildly disturbed, but relieved. It could have been far worse.
By 3:00 am his room was burning cinders. He could have been saved, had anyone else been in the dorm at that hour. Police arriving on the scene, however, advise fellow students not to feel bad for not rescuing the youngster. Had he been alive by the time they arrived, they would have probably shot him immediately in order to avoid misunderstandings and cut risks.
The university decided to step up and make an example of this unfortunate event. John Smith has been expelled and stripped of all credits. ‘It is unacceptable that an incident of this category goes unnoticed and unpunished’, the Dean has communicated to the press. ‘Action must be taken to ensure the safety of our students.’
Little did Dean Martin know when he decided to expel John. The faculty does not afford to lose a student’s material contribution on a whim. Thus, it has been officially communicated that John’s brother, Johnny, can join and continue the studies in fermentation sciences, an otherwise surprisingly unpopular major.
It is hoped that everyone will draw a lesson from this fateful experience and stop using electricity, gas or any other dangerous concoctions in student dorms. As to the quality of John’s product, police have reported that after careful testing they were rather impressed with the results.
To gain insight into John’s technique a separate investigation has been set into motion.
Updates to follow.