Athlete realizes Olympic dream of being host to the highest number of unidentifiable viruses post competition in Rio

Rio de Janeiro. Brasil. It was not the first Olympic competition for athlete Edward Hayes, but it is for certain one he will remember forever (however short that might be). A professional swimmer. Edward hasn’t shone too brightly in any competition so far. ‘We promoted him for lack of better options’, coach Albert says. ‘We hoped he would excel at something despite the evidence pointing in a different direction. And he did rise to the occasion. Eventually!’

Edward managed to fulfill his dream of winning big! At the age of 21, he has been awarded the title of host to the highest number of unidentifiable viruses post-competition. At the opening ceremony, Dave Matthews was mistaken to be singing his hit “Don’t Drink the Water”. However, he was merely delivering a public service announcement to the sight of thousands of lighters.

‘I was lucky! The water in the pools was also really dirty! If I had been a track and field athlete, I may not have had this unique opportunity’, Edward confesses with tears in his eyes.

Doctors are saying that mixed with the massive amounts of performance-enhancing drugs he was taking prior to competition the viruses are completely vaccine-resistant. Edward may die young, but he will surely have fulfilled his dream of glory.

Some win medals. Others bring home a much shorter lifetime of memories!

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