Marion Spinster interviews Dr. Sweetlove
Have you been feeling uncomfortable in your own skin lately? Are you struggling to change that, but don’t know where to begin? Dr. Sweetlove is an unregistered and poorly trained dietitian who will pretend to help you achieve your goals while scheming to take your money. He is also an unregistered homeopath with additional experience in psychological manipulation.
Dr. Sweetlove assures us that the only thing standing between you and the ideal waistline is a case of the blues.
Dr. Sweetlove, how exactly does this work? Why the blues? Why not a healthy diet and exercise?
Marion, healthy diets are so yesterday! It’s too easy, thus boring. Everyone knows that nobody wants to put in the necessary work to achieve their goals, why would this be any different? What we have to offer is a detour. A distraction with a twist! We offer you the opportunity to fool yourself into believing you won’t lose any weight when actually you will. The secret ingredient is a magic little four-letter word! No, not WORK, Marion! PAIN. Heartbreak is the drive that most people lack when they try to channel their inner loser.
I understand, Dr. Sweetlove. So this diet needs to come from the inside.
Not only that, but it needs to envelop all aspects of your life. Let me explain. There are a few key elements in maintaining this basic diet. Once your soul is crushed everything will come naturally.
- Sleep your heartache away. It is known that the more sleep-deprived you are, the higher your cortisol levels. This increases your appetite. Sleep, Marion! Don’t give appetite, nor reality a chance!
- Drink as much alcohol as your body can take without raising suspicions. Once suspicions are raised, people will try to ‘help you’ get your life back on track. Remember! Either you get your life on track or you get your waistline back!
- Do not eat. You can’t hold anything down anyway. Another benefit of heartbreak is that it numbs your survival instinct. Why eat? Why bother?
- Go to the gym. If you can’t sleep and can’t drink, go to the gym. There are two desirable outcomes: your heart will explode from the irrational amount of cardio you will put yourself through or you’ll actually lose those extra pounds. It’s a win-win situation!
- Let the negative messages in your brain drive you crazy: What did I do wrong? Was I clear enough in expressing my thoughts? Why are God’s jokes so very NOT funny? Driving yourself mad will keep your thoughts away from food!
- Meditate on all the beautiful moments you have lost. Every tear counts! But careful with dehydration, though. When at risk, grab a vodka.
- If you feel you didn’t go far enough with self-destruction, watch reality TV. There is nothing better to eradicate your faith in humanity and make you feel somewhat superior at the same time.
Dr. Sweetlove, how is this a balanced diet? Every single aspect you mentioned is wrong and contradictory to say the least. Everybody knows that alcohol is not recommended while dieting and it’s really dehydrating!
Marion, you have to look at the whole picture. This is a holistic diet, its elements are complementary. What you lose at the gym, plus the stress and the lack of eating, you gain back by means of alcohol. It is a gradual weight loss. It all evens itself out in the end. This is not one of those fad diets, that leave you empty and exhausted.
I don’t know about that, Dr. Sweetlove. You still haven’t mentioned anything about gluten. Somehow I thought you would.
Oh, Marion, as my colleague Ricardo Sánchez used to say, it’s gluten free but it can still wreck your guts, if you’re a pussy.
Dr. Sweetlove! Language!!!