Galvonia P83. A promising offspring of one of the royal Galvonian couples has let its species down about half a light year ago when he failed to conquer Earth over a rather trivial issue. Zosmus was quick to explain that this unfortunate event was caused by leaving the electric charger at home while on expedition on Earth. (Yes, he was repeatedly told by everybody else to stop being so pretentious and just forget about this renewable power nonsense.)
“I had about two thirds of the Earth’s population loaded in my space ship when I realized that the battery was really low. No way I could have gotten everybody back to Galvonia on 4% energy left. People of the Earth seemed to understand my pain over the low battery situation, although I don’t see how, and they promised I could come and conquer them some other time.”, Zosmus told his fellow aliens with tears in his eyes.
“I had to kindly ask everyone to step out of the vehicle. It was really embarrassing.”, he continued visibly affected by the event. “I don’t know how I could be so forgetful about the energetic level of the space ship. We were really close to Earth domination and I don’t know, Earthlings seem so nice, and they’re really good at sports.”
Standing in front of his peers and the Galvonian royal family, Zosmus did seem to have a valuable piece of information to share: “Mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends, extras – I bind my honor to you, that what I’m going to say now is nothing but the truth – despite all evidence and common sense – the Earth is not flat. I tried falling off of it in order to speed up my return, but instead I sort of bounced, flying off like a feather. I am not quite sure what weird physics they have over there, but their planet is round like a yo-yo. Thank you….And sorry.”
Written by Ana-Maria Taut based on a great idea by Anonymous.
Vaduz, Liechtenstein. Liechtenstein, the only country to alleviate Switzerland’s territorial inferiority complex, is ready to reaffirm its position among the developed and thriving European countries. “The beloved winter sport destination, whose beautiful Alps attract nature and sport lovers alike, is expected to pride itself on a Mediterranean coastline by 2032”, global warming specialists inform.
The news was received with some relief by existing Mediterranean countries such as Spain and Italy, who deal with an increasingly overwhelming touristic affluence each year.
The Sea of Liechtenstein is expected to start forming around 2025 as the Mediterranean will slowly end up swallowing the entire South of Europe solving the problem of severely increasing temperatures, extended droughts and national cultures succumbing to tourism and immigration.
Liechtensteinese tourist agencies are already working on marketing campaigns, while government officials are reviewing construction plans in order to welcome the greatly desired shoreline. Locals and neighbors are excited as they won’t need to travel so far, only to be able to swim in the sea and enjoy the breeze.
Overall, everybody’s pretty happy as the world is as ready as it will ever be to embrace with utter resignation and fatalism the notorious climatic change.
Only the global warming specialists express a deep concern over future developments: “Judging by the way things are going, it’s very likely that the Sea of Liechtenstein will end up flowing into the Swiss Walensee becoming the first sea to ever flow into a lake, causing unforeseeable changes to the area.”
European authorities are taking it slow in addressing the problem as other, more pressing issues are occupying their agenda at the moment, such as putting out wildfires, finding ways to irrigate the dying crops and securing land plots in Iceland.
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.
Camp nou / Barcelona, Spain. La Liga, the top division of the Spanish football league system, started off this weekend with various matches, the most interesting of which will take place today, at 22:15 CEST between the 25 times winner, FC Barcelona, and the team they will defeat.
With Messi back from vacation and Rakitic in top form, there is no doubt that the first FCB match of the season will be amazing. It is not sure why Courtouis was contracted by Real Madrid and not by FCB, but we’ll let that slide. For now.
With Iniesta gone the debut of the championship will be somewhat sad after all this time, but FCB remains Més que un club.
Whether you will watch the match from the Camp Nou arena or in the comfort of your home, give this awesome team the right welcome to the La Liga!
Madrid, Spain. After a few insanely hot weeks, the Spanish politicians decided to interrupt their vacation and dedicate their time to making a new set of laws. The new legislation is meant to discourage the use and abuse of signing off letters to friends and family with “warm greetings” or “warm regards”. The Spanish authorities are set to criminalize the sending and receiving of “warm greetings” throughout the whole territory, including the Canary and Balearic Islands and Ceuta and Melilla.
Politicians also strongly encourage former colonial Spanish territories to adopt the regulation in order to stop the warmth from spreading. “We have about as much heat as we can take”, says Spanish prime minister Pedro Sánchez, “sometimes more!”.
The Spanish authorities also appeal to the citizens asking them to participate in the elimination of the unwanted greeting and lead an Eco-friendlier life. “There is no doubt that global warming is a very serious issue. We need to make sure we take all the measures we can to slow this process down, even to revert it, if possible. People everywhere are encouraged to recycle, keep their waste and consumption level to a minimum, and please, for the love of God, to stop sending warm regards to one another. Meteorologists have shown that every time someone writes down the words we do not speak of, a polar bear cub goes to bed hungry. Who wants to have that on their conscience?”
It is still uncertain what type of punishment the Spanish will face in case they choose not to obey. “They will need to relocate to Andalusia for the summer months, where they will catch fish for the hungry polar bears or deliver Mojitos to people afflicted by the heat, plant trees, build ventilators, something along those lines. It’s still a work in progress, but they will pay, no doubt about it.”, the spokesperson for Spanish Thermal Affairs Oscar Luis Solecito assured the press on Wednesday.
Until then make sure you stay indoors, think of teddy bears and drink lots of water.
München, Germany. The giant of European consumer electronics, Media Markt, has announced it up to 1000 vacancies for shop assistants throughout the whole continent. “As the demand is growing and we are opening more and more stores, we need people who share and represent our values. We are expecting our new shop assistants to be the interface between us as a company and the customers who trust us.”, Markus Wierdoh, the spokesperson for Media Markt Germany informed the press on Tuesday.
“We are ready to welcome on board people with a strong sense of timing, an ease for dissimulating technical knowledge and exceptional hide and seek abilities. We don’t sell a product. We sell an experience. The customer comes to our store and leaves with a more serious understanding of what patience means, for example.”, Markus continues. “We achieve this by challenging the customer to try and find one of our shop assistance to begin with. In order to receive information or guidance regarding a potential purchase our customers need to go through a series of rites of passage, the first of which is finding someone to talk to. For this reason we are looking for people who are fast, astute and somehow still managed to keep their inner child alive. I am looking at you hide and seek aficionados!”
“At the same time we are aiming towards challenging our Germanness and trying out something fun. Maybe you’ve had a long day? Maybe you have a way too possessive relationship with your free time? We have just what you need! Come and play hide and seek with our employees! It’s free, fun and fabulous all in one!”
To whom it may concern, the application forms can be dropped off at your local Media Market store. If you manage to find anyone to give it to, that is.
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.
Vienna, Austria. “Google may not have acknowledged Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger with a Doodle this year, but we sure will”, editor in chief Mary Ann Evans informed the team this morning. “Although it is Sunday and the superposition of sleeping off a week’s tiredness or a night’s wild partying will most likely result in nobody actually being interested in work, we own this man some recognition for all the time we have been referencing his thought experiment, earning coolness credit without actually being able to tell quantum mechanics apart from a squirrel pulling beeches up a hill.”
Today is and isn’t Erwin Schrödinger’s birthday. It actually used to be between 1887 and 1961, but now it sort of isn’t, as despite his astounding intellect he has not been provided with a dispense by the heavens and gave up the ghost much as any other individual on a cold January morning in his hometown of Vienna.
Nonetheless, we salute the father of quantum mechanics as one of our own and most of the time do not wish ill upon him for the pain we have to go through to misunderstand his concepts.
May he rest in peace and may his eternal cat be tirelessly quoted in American nerdy television shows.
Barcelona, Spain. “The days of the year when one has absolutely no objections towards the weather are few and far between. Fortunately this leaves the general population with a perpetual sense of indignation and an endless conversation topic”, local meteorologist Cesc Cabrera pointed out.
“If you live to complain, summer is THE time of the year for you. Whether you understand the impact of global warming or live in a bubble, the heatwaves will swipe over you much like over anybody else and you will be entitled to an opinion. Sí o sí”, Cesc continued.
However, some of the local people have expressed a more nuanced take on the issue. “I personally look forward to winter. I have complained enough about the heat, a general sensation of suffocation and prolonged siestas. I look forward to the time when I’ll be able to romanticize these facts and dream of the sun, the waves and the lovely warm weather from a freezing point of view. I’m just as fine with badmouthing the grey clouds, the unnecessarily harsh winds and the occasional snowflake”, Juan Cuesta informed. “I can’t wait for winter to come. I’m ready to trade hot air for a cool breeze.”
Meteorologists however are not as hopeful as Juan is. It seems that winters will get milder and drier throughout the Iberian peninsula and the typical “freezing” Barcelona temperatures of 4-5 degrees Celsius in January will soon be a distant memory. They also would like to point out the fact that the same people who deny the climate change are missing out on an incredible opportunity for constant bickering against everything and everyone. “We’re at a loss regarding how to persuade people that climate change is real and we are ready to appeal to everyone’s inner small-talker: come, complain and help us keep humanity in a dissatisfied mode for centuries to come”, Cesc Cabrera enthusiastically invites Spaniards and people all over the globe to join the unpopular movement of common sense.
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.
Kazan, Russia. An exciting and thrilling match took place tonight, one that would end with Belgium’s qualification in the World Cup semifinal and Brazil’s unexpected demise. Many are inclined to receive the news of Belgium’s superiority with shock and horror, but not Neymar Jr.
As on optimist by nature he is inclined to always look on the bright side and see the good in everything. “I’m gonna take this chance to focus on my acting career. I have been told by quite a few peers and supporters that I am really good at acting. So good in fact, that I should probably work on developing these skills outside the field. I intend to dedicate some time to it and see where it can take me. It’s pretty clear I have a special gift for drama.”
The interview was cut short as the team hurried to pack and book their flights back home. Everyone seemed supportive of Neymar’s decision and look forward to seeing his next production: “Rolling and sliding in Las Vegas”.
Barcelona, Spain. “The philosophers have only interpreted the world, in various ways. The point, however, is to change it”, thought Carlos Marcos as he walked up the stairs to an important labor union meeting. He and his colleagues were about to negotiate a new set of conditions for home office workers throughout the region.
“One must be aware that the reward for labor, and quantity of labor, are quite disparate things”, he informed his colleagues. “We must compensate the home office workers for their efforts in a way that does not rely solely on a fluctuating economical market. In order to keep employees happy I suggest the companies adapt to their needs: increased nap time, free laundry service at indiscriminate hours, a housekeeper with a master’s degree in reuniting misplaced socks, and frozen pizza delivery.”
The other members of the union frowned at Carlos, after which he proceeded. “Frozen pizza, just so we make sure nobody gets too cocky and figures they don’t need the union anymore.” An air of relaxation spread across the room.
“Also, compañeros, let’s not forget that the production of too many useful things results in too many useless people. Thus the productivity of these workers needs to decrease a little, in order for their busy work not to result in making them redundant”, Carlos added.
Seeing that Carlos would not let any of his colleagues speak out during the meeting, his wife Jenny pulled him aside:
“Carlos, what’s going on?!”
“Jenny, I really hate wearing pants. I want to work from home and be able not to wear pants, okay? But I need at least one frozen pizza. We all do!”
Moscow. Russia. It’s been one wild World Cup so far! With four of the strongest teams out of the picture, the future of this competition is beyond unpredictable. Messi and Ronaldo have left the game on the same day, shortly after (rightfully) overdosing on Schadenfreude as the German team lost to South Korea on Wednesday, June 27.
Online Sports betting sites have made a fortune so far and are about to draw in a couple of more benefits from supporters’ confusion. With Brazil, France and Croatia currently having the best chance to win this World Cup a new team has emerged on the favorites’ list: Romania.
Rising from its ashes, a team that intially did not even qualify to play in the World Cup, Romania was thrown back in for entertainment value. “As everything seems to be upside down, it is most likely that Romania wins this competition. It’s clearly the era of the underdog”, sports commentator Norman Knowles informs. “People love the unforseen and by the looks of it, Romania might just pick up where it left off in 1994.”
Contacted by our reporters for further comments, the team’s coach said that at the moment they are unreachable and dedicating all their time to training. By the looks of it, they are very prone to cramps after long years of domestic chores such as money laundering and writing appreciation letters to incracerated club owners.
Rise up! It’s time for some action, boys, lest the Russians….you know!
Barking, United Kingdom.“She was capable of naming me Kitty. Go figure!”, muttered the elegant red ball of fur as she entered the psychoanalysts’ office. She didn’t seem in a hurry to sit down and started to look around, sniff the furniture, and cast a mistrustful look towards the couch. After a minute she seemed to be ready to approach the stiff leather stool at the center of the room with slow-paced steps.
“I have no idea what I am doing here, Melissa”, she addressed the psychoanalyst, “and I have no intention of cooperating. However, if you feel inclined to bribe me into opening up with a freshly opened Sheba can, by all means proceed.” She paused for a second. “In case you’re wondering, I approve of the roasted turkey entrée.
You know, Melissa, I know we, cats, have been used by humans for a long time as affection providers. I mean…no offense, but haven’t they heard of dogs? And of the fact that I would totally eat my “owner”, if she were to give up the ghost within my reach one day. I have a suspicion she is rather bland, through. And by that, I don’t mean her personality.
Truth be told, I do fare well on my own. I eat, sleep, drink perfectly fine and prefer it when someone doesn’t put a collar on me, at least not one saying “My lovely baby, Kitty – heart emoji”. When did they start engraving emojis? Goodness gracious, are we doomed or what? I have to say though, I do allow regular backrubs as long as I am in the mood and I guess sometimes it’s alright for humans to comb my silky smooth hair. How is it not enough that I get to bless them with my mere existence? People…”, Kitty concluded, rolling her eyes in a manner that betrayed an in depth knowledge of the gesture.
“Well, I guess it’s not too bad to be here after all,” the ginger troublemaker remarked as she was lifting her tail in approval, drawing just about enough validation from Melissa’s exquisite listening skills to keep her talking. “Between you and me, I was really starting to need some space, you know? To get out in the world and do something different. Get to meet other people and give them an opportunity to know me. It’s not something many people can boast of.”
“So, Melissa, how are you feeling today? Are you ready to tell me about your childhood?”
Barcelona, Spain. Maria Fernandez, 39, formerly known as indifferent to football, seemed to display a very detached attitude towards the much debated sport and team preferences when randomly approached on the street by our reporter.
She was happy to answer a couple of questions for our ongoing survey. More details below.
“Maria, what do you think about the importance of football in our society? How important is this for you personally?”
“Honestly, it seems to me that some people get overheated about it. After all, this is a game people should enjoy, not something to get mad or violent over. Sure, we all have our preferences and root for one team or another, but at the end of the day, it’s a sport, it’s not like Trump is ruling your country. I like it. I can’t say I’ve always been into it, but it’s not too bad. It grows on you.”
“Do you have a favorite team, Maria? Someone you’d really like to see winning?”
“Truth be told, I’m very laid back. I’m down with any team winning the FIFA world championship as long as it’s the Argentinian selection.”
“Ohhh, I’m not sure that makes sense, Maria. So you do have a preference?”
“I’m relaxed and mostly just want to see a good game. May the best win, as long as the best is the Argentinian team.”
“Maria, I’m not sure you’ve been following the matches they’ve had so far.”
“Sure I have, and yes, it may be that the Croatian team was somewhat superior, but what kind of supporter abandons their team when they’ve run in a bit of a bad luck?”
“Right, Maria, what has been in your opinion the most memorable world cup?”
“Well, certainly not the last one!”
“Oookay, you mean the one where Argenti -“
“Not another word, Fernando or it’s your life”, Maria said as she threatened our reporter with a metal straw she probably uses to drink her mate tea with.
At this point, Fernando, fearing for his life but dedicated to his journalistic duty, asked Maria the last question of the survey.
“Is there any other team you sympathize with?”
“What do you think, Fernando? Not if I would like to avoid being single again. Or…actually, tell me, what do you think about the Belgian selection?”