Obscure comedy writer celebrates one year anniversary of somewhat funny website with predictable thank you note

 

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‘I never paid too much attention to comedy until recently’, website creator, writer, editor and possessor of no Photoshop skills whatsoever, Mary B. Foon, tells us. ‘I started this project estimating the expectations of its glorious future to turn into monotonous present two to four months into the whole thing. It’s been a pleasant surprise to see how in the course of a year the site’s following grew from three close friends and family members to six, how after each long break I came back and added a few pieces yet again.’

Mary thinks the key to success is consistency with one’s own capriciousness. ‘I write with irregularity. Sometimes I write four articles a day, sometimes three months can pass without me producing a single word.  I believe it is important to keep at these chaotic impulses and maintain the illusion of discipline. You can’t achieve anything without a little faith in qualities you don’t actually possess.’

When asked what motivated her to dedicate herself to comedy writing, Mary replied: ‘The gap between appearance and essence has always been of interest to me. I am too impatient with philosophical technicalities (read I don’t understand sh**), so I basically chose humor as a favorite tool to explore this dimension of reality. After one year of research, I can say that the gap is wider than ever and I am not exactly sure which one of the two is the substance and which the outward form anymore. I consider this proof that things are going well.’

‘Any plans for the future?’

‘What I want is to keep doing what I love simply because I love it. It is a joy and a reward in itself. If improvement, more regular posts and some understanding of the usage of punctuation (yes, I am looking at you, comma) are thrown in along the way, I won’t be devastated, of course. But basically it all comes from a super selfish place, one I want to share with people. I’m sure there’s a bunch of other folks like me out there. Just probably less funny.’

 

 

Al-Qaeda child brides let free after revealing they are gender fluid

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An unexpected turn of events was registered in the world of terrorism! 27 child brides were released early Thursday morning from the vicinity of an Islamic Jihad training campThe men living in the village were horrified to find out that quite a few of their child spouses openly defined their identity as ‘gender fluid’.

‘This is unacceptable’, Sayed Al-Sadiiq, multiple rapist and moral dictator told his 14 year old lover. ‘Why didn’t you say so from the very beginning? I could have taken your younger sister instead. I have boundaries for Allah’s sake!’

The underage part-time boy, part-time girl chose to keep their name anonymous, but tried to explain to Sayed Al-Sadiiq that they had every intention to fill him in on this potential inconvenient. ‘Unfortunately every time we tried to open our mouths, we were told to ‘shut up’ and ‘go to your room’.

The community is in shock at this unprecedented revelation and decided to cast the girls out of the village in order to fend for themselves. It was unanimously considered that this radical influence can only come from the corrupt Western world. ‘Yes, we’re looking at you, America.’

Later that evening Sayed Al Sadiiq prayed to Allah for forgiveness, to which Allah reportedly replied: ‘Dude, gross.’

Middle aged man regrets missed opportunity to appropriate more office supplies before being let go

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‘I am an honest man’, Richard Burroughs, told his best friend. ‘Most of the time, that is.’ He had a desolate look on his face, the look one discovers only on the faces of men who let the opportunity of a lifetime pass them by.  ‘Endless supplies of blank white paper, ballpoint pen, even wireless mice were up for grabs all these years. I wish I had paid more attention to details. There was this nice cup in the kitchen that I always thought would look great on my bedside table.’

Richard has no idea what he is going to do with his future or if there’s even such thing, but decided for now to focus on small regrets: ‘I really miss my ergonomic office chair and the free coffee, although it tasted like mud most of the time. You know, I just wish I would have taken something  to prove to my grandchildren that I had a job once!’

Mr. Burroughs was reportedly let go by his employer after having spent 13 years with the company. He is soon to be replaced by a young and attractive AI robot who is predicted to want to take over and destroy humanity in two to three months. Until then it is expected to increase the company’s profit by 66%.

 

Teenager strawberry harbors dreams of becoming ice cream one day

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A medium sized strawberry voiced a so far unexpressed desire to become part of the ice cream industry once a grown up. ‘It has always been my goal to serve a higher purpose. I kept seeing my older brothers and sisters being picked, either to serve in the kitchen as cake topping or to be sold in the markets and to be enjoyed fresh. We are very healthy and nutritious beings. Did you know that strawberries contain more Vitamin C than lemons? Did you?’, the little darling asked smiling.

The lovely strawberry confessed that it couldn’t wait to ripen so that someone would pick it from among its peers. ‘As a child I used to be green with envy seeing my precocious brothers and sisters turn pink and then beautifully red in no time. However, I chose to suffer in silence and dream big. I always knew my time would come.’

When asked by our reporter why the sweetly scented strawberry opted to turn into ice cream one day, the berry replied promptly: ‘Everyone wants to be a star nowadays.  They want to shine on top of a cheesecake or look amazing in a turquoise handcrafted bowl. Have you seen people’s faces when they eat ice cream? I want to be the one to bring such happiness to them.’

The reporter offered the strawberry to pick it up and eat it on the spot, reassuring it that it would make him most happy, but the berry declined: ‘Thank you kindly for this generous deal,  I will stick with my plan.  For sure it won’t be long now.’

We wish the little strawberry good luck and a happy journey.

 

Area woman wearing ‘too hot for heaven too cool for hell’ slogan shirt clearly neither

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An overconfident woman was spotted Monday morning at a busy metro station. She stood out in the crowd for wearing one truly empowering message across her chest, inviting the type of attention later to be condemnded as objectifying.

Admittedly, ‘too hot for heaven too cool for hell’ is one step up from ‘born to be fabulous’ or ‘queen of the trailer park’ one onlooker thought, but still kind of sad when not matched by reality. ‘She looks like the kind of girl who is in bed by 10pm, for Chrissake!’

‘It’s great to feel like you’re the latest craze, but be careful for your newfound attitude not to come across as the latest crazy’, overexposure expert dr. Dennis Small reveals. ‘It’s important to maintain a balance between reality and delusion, as unappealing as this may seem.’

The average looking woman, with probably a thing for shoes, quickly disappeared into the masses, turning her back to the passerby. ‘Why am I so mediocre?’ read the backside of her shirt. As soon as he caught sight of this, the poor chap desperately tried to catch up with her, exceptionally ellbow-striking three to five individuals on the platform (this is not how he would normally treat his fellow humans), but, alas, it was too late.

‘Isn’t it always?’, he thought to himself.

 

 

 

Area puppy starts support group for dogs with Velcro owners

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Fed up with his owner’s exceedingly clingy behavior, Scooby, a strong and independent Great Dane, decided to put an end to the unhealthy emotional patterns in the relationship with his human.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I love humans, but at some point it just gets too much. They follow me everywhere, they rarely leave the house without me, if I move a little they chase right after me with hugs and kisses. Not to mention that when left alone they start chewing on my toys and destroying my habitat. We’re buddies alright, but can I have some personal space, please?’

Exasperated by the amount of love and affection displayed by his owner in public as well as in private, Scooby decided to be the founder of a support group for dogs facing similar issues. ‘It’s important to let other dogs know that they are not the only ones struggling with their human’s separation anxiety. We also strive to help them spot the signs early on and try to keep the situation from getting serious. Some owners develop a dysfunctional hyper attachment to their dogs that causes anxiety when they’re away or out of sight. If your owner is anxious when they’re unable to follow you around they have separation anxiety, not just Velcro owner syndrome’.

Rocky, an elegant greyhound explains: ‘We’re here to learn how to set boundaries in our relationships with humans. Some of us struggle with two or three overly attached people at a time. Sometimes it’s even hard to tell who the more annoying one is. People are exhausting and it’s pretty often that we have to sacrifice large chunks of our afternoon naps to bear their tantrums. Sweetheart this, darling that. I love you so much. Who’s the best puppy in the world? We got it. We’re adorable. Message received. Now just sit, please.’

It wasn’t long before Lesley Gore’s classic ‘You don’t own me’ became the group’s anthem. ‘What we do here is try to create a secure environment where we can voice our fears and discomforts, where we can talk openly about the progress or setbacks in our human’s behavior and advise each other. It’s still pretty much touch and go, but we’re on the road to setting up a solid structure and expand’, Scooby clarifies. ‘We love them, but it’s time they understood our need for autonomy.’

Unfortunately the interview had to be cut short, as most dogs were being picked up by their owners. It was dinner time.

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, with the respectable contribution of A. de Oliveira.

The Accommodationist Church releases new, simplified version of the Bible: The Convenient International Version out today

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After watching the number of churchgoers decline drastically over the past few decades, the Accommodationist Church decided to take matters into its own hands in an attempt to turn things around. One of the first innovations in a long row of changes was to bring the Bible closer to the people. How does the Church hope to accomplish that?

‘Considering that the Bible was once the number one bestseller in the world, we decided to bring it back to its old success’, the Church’s spokesperson, Mr. Egon Trip,  explains. ‘It has been decided to cut down large chunks of the Old Testament, take Leviticus, for example. Sweet heavens! Can we stop pretending we care about offerings in the Tabernacle? Let’s face it. It’s pretty dry! Also, do we really need four accounts of the Passion of Christ? Just think about it.’

Not only will several books be removed, mostly from the Historical Books of the Old Testament – yawn -, but an overall reshaped message is being sent out to believers everywhere. ‘We feel that for a long time the focus of the Christian Faith lied outside of the human interest, pointing to this or that aspect of Divinity and the human’s duty to live in accordance with the Law. With the Convenient International Version we put a new spin on this old concept. We want to let people around the world know that the Church is decreasing the responsibilities of the believer and increasing his/her rights considerably. Yes, we are willing to renegotiate the terms of the contract, take some power away from God and give it to the Ego. It’s a savage world out there and we need to please churchgoers, if we want to keep them.’

When asked if there are other strategies in place to attract new followers, Mr. Trip informed us that a  new CIV Bible App is on its way, where readers across the world can crop out passages that are uncomfortable or don’t match exactly with the realities of their own lives causing them internal distress. ‘We are working on giving our followers the freedom to customize the Scripture according to their personal beliefs. It’s basically faith made affordable.’ The app will be available for free with a few in-app purchases for those who want to meet the Church halfway. Don’t hesitate.

Over the next few months it is expected that numbers of followers on Instagram will increase considerably. The Church also hopes to finally come to an agreement with the world, so that everyone is happy. ‘We aim for a win-win situation. You restore the Church’s authority and we tell you all about what you are willing to hear.’

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, with the respectable contribution of Gabriel Fugazi