After pledging €1b to reconstruct Notre Dame, French billionaires donate €37,20 to homeless shelters and €7,45 to ending child labour in West Africa

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Paris. France. A devastating fire broke out on the 15th of April in Paris, destroying an important part of the Notre Dame cathedral, one of the central symbols of Western culture and spirituality. This occurrence has brought a considerable amount of grief upon people from all over the world, for whom the 12th century Gothic cathedral was and will continue to be an epitome of architectural genius and creative beauty. Undoubtedly the loss and the shock left in the wake of its destruction is great and will be felt for a very long time to come.

Apart from causing pain and bewilderment among regular citizens, the unfortunate incident has touched the hearts of France’s economic elite, who in the span of 3 days managed to gather 1 billion € to support the reconstruction and restoration of the well-known and well-beloved church.

Their generosity allowed the entire world to feel a ray of hope in the midst of great sadness and desolation, demonstrating that people do have the ability to stand together, be charitable and chip in when they are most needed. In the name of solidarity, the philanthropic magnates confirm they are also donating €37,20 to homeless shelters worldwide, €12,89 to rare diseases clinical research, as well as €7,45 to ending child labor in West Africa. 

“At the end of the day we must know that a church – no matter how old and how important, how beautiful or how impressive – is only a man-made symbol of faith and love. It is a place of worship where people go to learn about what lies beyond the wonderful paintings and the stained glass.”, Archbishop Michel Aupetit concludes without additional commentary.

Area woman almost interested enough in Game of Thrones Season 8 Premiere to watch it

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Barcelona. Spain. Game of Thrones, the one in a million TV series who brought joy and excitement to an entire planet, alongside mass tourism upon Croatia and Iceland, has done it again! April 14th was THE release date of the Season 8 Premiere. Fans around the world have waited for a considerable amount of time to see new glimpses of dragon-ridden action and the Saga’s heroes, the encounter reportedly being bitter-sweet for many.  Season 8 marks the ending of the beloved and critically acclaimed show.

We have interviewed a few locals to measure the level of excitement here in Catalonia and have come to a surprising discovery.

“I’ll be waiting for someone to dub this in Catalan or at least Spanish.”, Joan Ferran declared for The Morning Sunset earlier today. “We are used to dragons here in Catalonia. Come enjoy the Sant Jordi Festival with us on the 23rd of April. Spring is coming!”

Marina Teller, a fisherman’s wife, admits she prefers watching the local news for entertainment. “You can laugh, you can cry – there are lots of games of thrones here in Catalonia. We’ve seen it all and then some.”

Moving on we encountered a young lady on her way to work. She was in a hurry, but  nonetheless decided to give us the time of day. Francesca Domenech, a produce shop owner, informed us that she almost watched the first episode this morning, by all means she meant to, but she was distracted by the first leg of her bi-weekly cute puppy photo scroll session, after which her neighbour knocked on her door with the latest gossip: “The corner store is selling artichokes for 20 cents less than the market price!!!”.
This information caused Francesa to run to the store so as to evaluate which fruit/vegetable she could put on sale today. “We need to match the cheekiness of the competition. It is a jungle out here! And the Iron Throne must not be occupied by the corner store mother of …. dragons!”

In conclusion we can say that if there is some enthusiasm regarding the Season Premiere, it is, as Kundera liked to say – elsewhere.

Studies show that 100% of individuals who have tasted Burrata cheese believe in God

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Puglia. Italy.  International scientists confirm they have gathered in Italy, the place where every culinary fantasy goes to be gratified, in order to study a curious phenomenon. It seems the puzzling behaviour that caught their attention first emerged in the South of Italy, namely the Apulia region, with an overwhelming tendency to spread throughout Europe and the other continents. But what is this about exactly?

“We started looking closely into a specific conduct after statistics showed an impressive number of people changing their spiritual orientation as a result of tasting the Italian cheese Burrata. The individuals, all previously self-declared atheists, started to seek  out distinct forms of religion, each and every one of them confessing to the unshakeable belief in the existence of God and his almighty power.”, sociologist David Stilton explains.

“You cannot taste Burrata and fail to see the mystery, magic and beauty of this world He created. How can something this sublime be man-made? Impossible.”, Maricarmen Fuentes, a Spanish tourist declares. “I came here to relax and have a good time with my friends, and I had never in my wildest dreams expected to find such firm ground for a spiritual Renaissance. And careful, we have pretty amazing food in Spain to begin with!”

“This cheese of the Gods has most certainly been put on Earth to make up for Brussel sprouts.”, Helga Gruyere, a Swiss tourist shares her experience. “I feel that everything makes sense now. Undoubtedly, everything happens for a reason. Otherwise how could I have ever discovered this somptuous piece of immortality? Yes, I am Swiss. If anything, we are proud of our cheeses! They are good, strong, honest pieces of joy – however if you are looking for an epihpany – by all means – Burrata is your go to piece of heaven.”

Scientists are puzzled by this phenomenon and try to get to the bottom of it. “We know cheese was produced by monks in the Middle Ages, so we do observe a strong connection between cheese and spiritual calling that goes back hundreds and hundreds of years.”, Jack Monterey, a reasearcher at the Food is Life Institute  of  Wiscons, explains.

Scientists are following more leads in order to understand the causal relation between overwhelmingly positive experiences and the belief in a transcendent spiritual power. “We have noticed similar behaviour in individuals acquainted to the music of Baroque composer Johann Sebastian Bach and those who enjoy a cold Coca-Cola (on the rocks, with a slice of lemon) on a hot summer’s day.”, Bree de Meaux, a Cheese Master from France, weighs in. We are following up and comparing the results with great interest.”,

As soon as the international commission will have reached a conclusion about this fascinating phenomenon, The Morning Sunset will report on the findings.

Stay Tuma-ed!

 

 

Anti-vaxxers recommend you ALSO stop installing ANY TYPE of antivirus software on your computer ASAP

 

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Planet Earth. A.D. 2019. Having managed to protect quite a bit of the world’s population from itself after bravely standing up to the big bad pharmaceutical boogie man, anti-vaxxers are ready to take on a new level of their selfless mission to save the world.

“We recommend every PC, laptop, tablet or mobile phone user to immediately stop installing antivirus software on their devices and uninstall every single item of such devilish tools. Somewhere on the internet I read that this type of software is actually harmful to your device and does not protect it from cyber attacks, viruses, hacking, phishing, etc. Big corporations sell you the antivirus software with the intent to make your device explode after 4 months of usage, rather than protect you from harmful intruders. We recommend everybody to stop supporting these profit-oriented companies from hell and trust your device’s own ability to fight off IT world pathogens. By virtue of the authority vested in me by Googlen Search Engines, I urge you to stop and think about the repercussions of installing such software.”, Richard “Dick” Smallpox, leader of the Anti-Vaxxer community in Portland, Oregon urges the world’s population.

“I had three children, one of which reached adulthood and is still doing farely well.”, Densirée Wooden, mother of 1, Anti-Vaxxer and Anti-Antivirus-Militant, shares her concerns. “I’ll be damned, if I lose my only surviving child because of the antivirus software installed on his computer. I heard Dick Smallpox yesterday on TV saying that this kind of sofware is extremely dangerous, makes your eyes and brain shrink and causes your fingers to melt. We must stop this madness. The world is a mean, mean place and we are so exposed to the arbitrariness of  medicine, science, technology. It is unbelievable.”

“We are planning to organize a conference and spread this information in an attempt to expose what many companies struggle to keep hidden. How many people did actually walk into the ER with the sensation that their fingers were melting or expanding, a sensation that was NOT caused by LSD tripping, but by using computers with antivirus software installed! Quite similar to pharmaceutical companies that keep the known cures for Diabetes or even Cancer under wraps, trying to reduce the amount of people who would actually boycott and ruin their business once such information got out,  IT companies want to keep you in the dark about the benefits of surfing freely without antivirus software installed. How would they make their money otherwise?”, Richard Smallpox explains.

“There is no doubt in my mind that thousands of years of scientific medical research and understanding, as well as internet things technology development cannot compete with the enlightening information that can be obtained from an antivirus free computer with a Google search enginge installed. They want to silence, rebuke and attack us, but we and possibly some of our children, will prevail”, Sandy Hooked, member and co-founder of Them Agaist Us Conspiracy Theory Association declared earlier today for The Morning Sunset.

Upon further inquiry Sandy could not elaborate on who THEY are and just assumed that “we” and “you know”.

Well, we don’t, Sandy, but please, don’t explain.

New browser version, Mozzarella Firefox 66.0.3, to be released on April 10

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Mountain View, California, United States. After receiving multiple requests from Gourmet Users from all over the world, especially Italy, the Mozilla Foundation decided to please its loyal user-base by releasing an improved version of the well known browser.

“Mozzarella Firefox 66.0.3 is coming out in a couple of days to the delight of our end users. This is a personalized browser where people can check out cooking shows,  cooking websites, recipes, you name it. The most important feature is concerning food delivery orders placed via the new Mozzarella Firefox. We guarantee your order will be at your doorstep in less than 10 minutes accompanied by a complimentary Mozzarella di Buffala portion. We are breaking new ground in the service industry.”, Kevin Bacon,  former actor turned PR manager of the Mozilla Foundation, confirms.

Other than to offer personalized gourmet browsing, Mozzarella Firefox also promises to be twice as fast as any other browser when it comes down to searching information about the Red Panda, the original Firefox, of course. “Is there anything better than food and cute animals?”, Jascha Kayakas-Wolff, Chief Marketing Officer of Mozilla, asks rethorically.

Please check out how Mozzarella Firefox was developed by clicking here and here.

Enjoy! Bon Appétit!

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.

Nutritionists identify fulfillment and joy as common side effects of eating Fast Food

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San Bernardino, California, United States. Many a scientist, person of letters, and mystery hunter has tried to answer the eternal question: “Do we live to eat or do we eat to live?” with incomplete or unsatisfactory results. Thus, nutristionists from all over the world haver come together (shoop hoop du-du-du-duuum) to establish once and for all the effects of food on the human brain, stomach, and overall satisfaction. Where else to organize this international conference, than in the one place on Earth that gave us the iconic, although much-scorned, McDonald’s burger.

“We are trying to debunk myths and defend the reputation of stigmatized junk food, which apart from obesity, high blood pressure, Type 2 Diabetes, and high colesterol, is also an infallible source of instant gratification, unconditional availability, and a sense of deep emotional fulfillment.”, Ph.D. in Nutrition, Dr. Eppa Cure, reveals.

“It’s hard to argue Dr.  Cure’s position”, Diabetologist Zach A. Rynn, adds. “Have you seen an unhappy person with an open bag of sweets in their hands. Yeah, me neither. The crying usually starts later on.”

While the conference is ongoing and the nutritionists work hard to give a definitve answer, it appears that whether we live to eat or eat to live is directly proportional with the level of deliciousness of the available food and inversly proportional with the level of healthy nutrients these meals bring to the table (no pun intended).

Updates to follow after lunch break when the participants are bound to come together again (shoop hoop du-du-du-duuum).

 

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.

 

Studies show that 2 out of 3 Greenlanders will head to Iceland for spring break

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Reykjavik. Iceland. March sure is a busy month for Icelandic tourism. Apart from the usual affluence of visitors from all over the world, the most beautiful place on Earth is faced with an additional challenge.

“Trying to entertain and accommodate a significant number of Greenlanders who flock to our… less Nordic country… in hope to enjoy higher temperatures, increased sunlight and a wider variety of spirits can be quite fun. They’re basically our neighbours and we like them a lot. Although it can be difficult to provide accommodation to such a high number of tourists, we’ll find a way to make everybody feel wlecome. We’re a resourceful people, although only 24% of our territory is inhabitable.”, Guðrún Jónsdóttir, head of the Tourist Experience Association of Iceland, declares.

“We love Iceland!! It’s warm, sunny, tourist-friendly!!! And they are just so funny, their coffee is amazing, their love of books, their lopi production – wonderful things. They’re our neighbours and we love them even though they have no polar bear colonies.”, Aallaaritaa Suersaq, tourist and Iceland enthusiast declared.

“We are a very liberal, open, forward-looking and welcoming nation”, Katrín Jakobsdóttir, the Prime Minister of Iceland explains. “It is not surprising that we are well-beloved by people from all over the world. Studies show that 2 our of 3 Greenlanders will visit us this spring. It is nice to have someone over because it’s warmer here than in their country. And yes, we know our country is green and theirs is icy, but no, we’re not switching names anytime soon.”

Iceland has been voted the most beautiful, magical place on Earth for 14 consecutive years, tightly followed by Spain and Switzerland who have maintaned their position for exactly 14 year in a row as well. It’s not coincidence. It’s their splendour.

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.