Area woman accuses gamer of doping, after he manages to pass through all Super Mario Bros. worlds without dying once

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Barcelona, Spain. “I am an adult woman. I cross the street only when I am supposed to, I keep my expectations in check and I don’t eat funny ice cream flavors. But when I lose at Super Mario Bros., I freaking effing lose all my sh*****. I mean yes, world hunger and preventable deaths, but have you ever gotten as far as world 6-4 to lose all your lives in a down-spiral of mistakes, anger and regret? I mean heavy drugs demises have nothing on this type of pain. Suddenly my swearword amnesia is lifted and the f and m and s words start dancing around the room. It is what it is.

So you can imagine my heartbreak when randomly checking a certain YouTube channel just to find that a certain player has found the key to all the tricks that let you pass through all the worlds (no warp zone shortcuts) WITHOUT dying once, and rescuing Princess Peach with 10 lifetimes of togetherness left. I mean…it’s hard to believe this level of skill, Pii98!

Consequently, I am writing this letter to let you know that I am suing you for doping. I hope you can understand, that you cannot get ahead of the whole world by playing tricks and ingesting performance enhancing drugs. You run fast, you jump high like it’s 1985, you stop when you need to stop without ever getting hurt, losing your armor or turning small. Really, Pii98? You think we’re that stupid? Are you aware how that makes us feel? Do you ever stop to think about how hard the withdrawal period is, when we have to go to work or take out the trash and can’t be there to rescue Princess Peach when she needs us the most? We can’t stay in front of the screen all day and take whatever you’re taking.

Whatever it is that you’re on, a judge will find you and he will ki…, make you take a complete drug test. I am already personally working on uncovering your whereabouts. It won’t be long, I promise. And from what I hear the punishment is severe. They can sentence you to a lifelong playtime as Luigi. I wanna see how you’re gonna like that.

Sounds like it’s time to come clean and lose every now and then, like the rest of us Super Mario Bros. obsessed souls out there. I mean it’s even more relatable, Pii98. You don’t want to put that kind of pressure on today’s 30 year old kids, do you?

P.S. Ain’t the 1985 original  like the coolest game ever in all history of time? Oh, and what’s your favourite world? It’s okay if you write back from prison. I’ll wait.”

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.

Technical Analyst sentenced to death by management after sending the wrong spare part to end customer

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Rabbit Hash, Kentucky. “A technical analyst has been placed on death row by his employer after he ordered a wrong spare part for an important customer”, the spokesperson  of the leading brand in the printing industry confirmed on Wednesday.

The news quickly spread, filling the community with fear and sparking heated debates among the company’s current employees. “While the decision may seem a little harsh, we would like to set an example for the level of dedication and concentration we expect from our workers. We don’t treat our business lightly and neither should you. In this case, a highly sensitive customer had to stop production for an entire day. This level of carelessness is utterly unacceptable and results in the termination of the employee. Like, literally.”

A general meeting is expected to take place tomorrow to explain the new rules to the current employees and discuss the details of the execution of their colleague. “Ideas are welcome with respect to the way of dealing with this particular case. There will be a poll on how to end our colleague’s life, people can vote and express their opinion. Also, there’s a free buffet for everyone.”, CEO  Phseyko Patrick announced.

The thought of food seemed to calm everyone down. “After all”, one could hear colleagues talking among themselves, “they aren’t called executives for nothing.”

Meanwhile, the reckless technical analyst is locked in a meeting room, where he is given a chance to reflect on his deeds, until the execution is scheduled. Thinking of the extreme boredom he might feel locked up in there all alone with almost no battery left to his phone, a thoughtful colleague sneaked in a book to cheer him up a little. “He always seemed like a Kafka kind of guy to me.”

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.

Schoolchildren excited to learn about the Döner Kebab animal and the Barbeque Sauce plant as the school year is about to kick off

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Barcelona, Spain. An unprecedented enthusiasm has been spotted among schoolchildren this year as the Spanish Ministry of Education revolutionarizes textbooks and mandatory subjects.

It is expected for kids to run to class on Wednesday, September 12, in order to occupy the best seats available as their hearts will overflow with eagerness to learn about things such as the mysteriously delicious Döner Kebab animal, the Barbeque Sauce tree and a brief history of emoticons.

“We are trying to meet them halfway. It is hard to win the attention of today’s children, thus we have decided to approach their world and address their interests and passions directly”, the spokeswoman for the minsitry, Quinn Sábe, declared on Tuesday evening in a press release.

It is said that optional courses on youtube vlog directing and instagram storytelling are in the making, to allow children to develop their creative side without the pressure of excessively many years of artistic tradition. “A clean slate.”

“We want to tell children that we think math has been undeservedly occupying the spotlight for way too many generations now. It’s high time to shift focus and teach practical things that immediately benefit the survival and wellbeing of our young, such as where one can harvest burgers, how one can use lasers to make a cat switch the light on, but mostly off, and how to boost the credibility of your pokerface, which will come in handy a lot over the next few years as children transition into adolescence, but why not, also later in life”, Quinn concluded.

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.

 

 

 

L’Oréal starts a skin care revolution by releasing its new Michael Myers face mask

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Paris, France. L’Oréal, world leader in beauty, decided to keep giving to its customers and take the cosmetics market by surprise.  Last Friday, August 25, the cosmetic giant released a revolutionary beautifying mask paying tribute to slasher film character Michael Myers. “Apart from hydrating your skin and visibly reducing wrinkles, this incredibly efficient face mask makes women run faster and manipulate sharp objects with increased dexterity. We are looking to push the envelope when it comes to bringing something new to the table and making our customers’ lives easier, more enjoyable.”, Joanna Carpenter, director of skin care products’ department shares with the public.

“The mask does wonders to your skin, it calms and soothes it, invigorates and nourishes it, leaving a soft, supple, and radiant feeling. A major plus comparing to your usual face mask is that it also provides you with a mysterious air covering your entire face, your head and your neck.”, Johanna continues. “It is designed to enhance your night vision and provide you with a sense of omnipresence. Once you put it on, everyone will start to notice you’re there.”, the label advertises.

The ladies who have already tested it, reported a confidence boost after wearing the mask, with some of them even reporting that this mask literally “saved their lives”, when they thought they had no place left to hide from bad and dry skin. Others, reportedly look forward to October when they plan to make use of this mask as their Halloween costume. “The multiple functionality of this product is undeniable”, Johanna adds. “After all, this is what we do here at L’Oréal.  We develop the best products in order to make your skin healthier, your life easier, and your neighbors stay behind closed doors.”

Because you’re worth it!

 

 

Eco-conscious alien fails to take over Earth as he forgets electric space ship charger on native planet

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Galvonia P83. A promising offspring of one of the royal Galvonian couples has let its species down about half a light year ago when he failed to conquer Earth over a rather trivial issue.  Zosmus was quick to explain that this unfortunate event was caused by leaving the electric charger at home while on expedition on Earth. (Yes, he was repeatedly told by everybody else to stop being so pretentious and just forget about this renewable power nonsense.)

“I had about two thirds of the Earth’s population loaded in my space ship when I realized that the battery was really low. No way I could have gotten everybody back to Galvonia on 4% energy left. People of the Earth seemed to understand my pain over the low battery situation, although I don’t see how, and they promised I could come and conquer them some other time.”, Zosmus told his fellow aliens with tears in his eyes.

“I had to kindly ask everyone to step out of the vehicle. It was really embarrassing.”, he continued visibly affected by the event. “I don’t know how I could be so forgetful about the energetic level of the space ship. We were really close to Earth domination and I don’t know, Earthlings seem so nice, and they’re really good at sports.”

Standing in front of his peers and the Galvonian royal family, Zosmus did seem to have a valuable piece of information to share: “Mom, dad, brothers, sisters, friends, extras – I bind my honor to you, that what I’m going to say now is nothing but the truth – despite all evidence and common sense – the Earth is not flat. I tried falling off of it in order to speed up my return, but instead I sort of bounced, flying off like a feather. I am not quite sure what weird physics they have over there, but their planet is round like a yo-yo.  Thank you….And sorry.”

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut based on a great idea by Anonymous.

 

 

Global warming experts report Liechtenstein to become a Mediterranean country by 2032

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Vaduz, Liechtenstein. Liechtenstein, the only country to alleviate Switzerland’s territorial inferiority complex,  is ready to reaffirm its position among the developed and thriving European countries. “The beloved winter sport destination, whose beautiful Alps attract nature and sport lovers alike, is expected to pride itself on a Mediterranean coastline by 2032”, global warming specialists inform.

The news was received with some relief by existing Mediterranean countries such as Spain and Italy, who deal with an increasingly overwhelming touristic affluence each year.

The Sea of Liechtenstein is expected to start forming around 2025 as the Mediterranean will slowly end up swallowing the entire South of Europe solving the problem of severely increasing temperatures, extended droughts and national cultures succumbing to  tourism and immigration.

Liechtensteinese tourist agencies are already working on marketing campaigns, while  government officials are reviewing construction plans in order to welcome the greatly desired shoreline. Locals and neighbors are excited as they won’t need to travel so far, only to be able to swim in the sea and enjoy the breeze.

Overall, everybody’s pretty happy as the world is as ready as it will ever be to embrace with utter resignation and fatalism the notorious climatic change.

Only the global warming specialists express a deep concern over future developments: “Judging by the way things are going, it’s very likely that the Sea of Liechtenstein will  end up flowing into the Swiss Walensee becoming the first sea to ever flow into a lake, causing unforeseeable changes to the area.”

European authorities are taking it slow in addressing the problem as other, more pressing issues are occupying their agenda at the moment, such as putting out wildfires,  finding ways to irrigate the dying crops and securing land plots in Iceland.

 

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.

Tonight, football enthusiasts can sit back, relax, and enjoy a match between FC Barcelona and the team that will lose

 

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Camp nou / Barcelona, Spain. La Liga, the top division of the Spanish football league system, started off this weekend with various matches, the most interesting of which will take place today,  at 22:15 CEST between the 25 times winner, FC Barcelona, and the team they will defeat.

With Messi back from vacation and Rakitic in top form, there is no doubt that the first FCB match of the season will be amazing. It is not sure why Courtouis was contracted by Real Madrid and not by FCB, but we’ll let that slide. For now.

With Iniesta gone the debut of the championship will be somewhat sad after all this time, but FCB remains Més que un club. 

Whether you will watch the match from the Camp Nou arena or in the comfort of your home, give this awesome team the right welcome to the La Liga!

Ánimo, Barcelona!

The new Spanish legislation seeks to penalize every citizen who sends”warm greetings” to family and friends during summer vacation

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Madrid, Spain. After a few insanely hot weeks, the Spanish politicians decided to interrupt their vacation and dedicate their time to making a new set of laws. The new legislation is meant to discourage the use and abuse of signing off letters to friends and family with “warm greetings” or “warm regards”. The Spanish authorities are set to criminalize the sending and receiving of “warm greetings” throughout the whole  territory, including the Canary and Balearic Islands and Ceuta and Melilla.

Politicians also strongly encourage former colonial Spanish territories to adopt the regulation in order to stop the warmth from spreading. “We have about as much heat as we can take”, says Spanish prime minister Pedro Sánchez, “sometimes more!”.

The Spanish authorities also appeal to the citizens asking them to participate in the elimination of the unwanted greeting and lead an Eco-friendlier life. “There is no doubt that global warming is a very serious issue. We need to make sure we take all the measures we can to slow this process down, even to revert it, if possible. People everywhere are encouraged to recycle, keep their waste and consumption level to a minimum, and please, for the love of God, to stop sending warm regards to one another. Meteorologists have shown that every time someone writes down the words we do not speak of, a polar bear cub goes to bed hungry. Who wants to have that on their conscience?”

It is still uncertain what type of punishment the Spanish will face in case they choose not to obey. “They will need to relocate to Andalusia for the summer months, where they will catch fish for the hungry polar bears or deliver Mojitos to people afflicted by the heat, plant trees, build ventilators, something along those lines. It’s still a work in progress, but they will pay, no doubt about it.”, the spokesperson for Spanish Thermal Affairs Oscar Luis Solecito assured the press on Wednesday.

Until then make sure you stay indoors, think of teddy bears and drink lots of water.

Media Markt reports on opening hundreds of positions for shop assistants with strong hide and seek skills

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München, Germany. The giant of European consumer electronics, Media Markt, has announced it up to 1000 vacancies for shop assistants throughout the whole continent. “As the demand is growing and we are opening more and more stores, we need people who share and represent our values. We are expecting our new shop assistants to be the interface between us as a company and the customers who trust us.”, Markus Wierdoh, the spokesperson for Media Markt Germany informed the press on Tuesday.

“We are ready to welcome on board people with a strong sense of timing, an ease for dissimulating technical knowledge and exceptional hide and seek abilities. We don’t sell a product. We sell an experience. The customer comes to our store and leaves with a more serious understanding of what patience means, for example.”, Markus continues. “We achieve this by challenging the customer to try and  find one of our shop assistance to begin with. In order to receive  information or guidance regarding a potential purchase our customers need to go through a series of rites of passage, the first of which is finding someone to talk to. For this reason we are looking for people who are fast, astute and somehow still managed to keep their inner child alive. I am looking at you hide and seek aficionados!”

“At the same time we are aiming towards challenging our Germanness and trying out something fun. Maybe you’ve had a long day? Maybe you have a way too possessive relationship with your free time? We have just what you need! Come and play hide and seek with our employees! It’s free, fun and fabulous all in one!”

To whom it may concern, the application forms can be dropped off at your local Media Market store. If you manage to find anyone to give it to, that is.

 

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.

 

 

 

According to the Gregorian calendar today, August 12, is and isn’t Erwin Schrödinger’s birthday

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Vienna, Austria. “Google may not have acknowledged Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger with a Doodle this year, but we sure will”, editor in chief Mary Ann Evans informed the team this morning. “Although it is Sunday and the superposition of sleeping off a week’s tiredness or a night’s wild partying will most likely result in nobody actually being interested in work, we own this man some recognition for all the time we have been referencing his thought experiment, earning coolness credit without actually being able to tell quantum mechanics apart from a  squirrel pulling beeches up a hill.”

Today is and isn’t Erwin Schrödinger’s birthday. It actually used to be between 1887 and 1961, but now it sort of isn’t, as despite his astounding intellect he has not been provided with a dispense by the heavens and gave up the ghost much as any other individual on a cold January morning in his hometown of Vienna.

Nonetheless, we salute the father of quantum mechanics as one of our own and most of the time do not wish ill upon him for the pain we have to go through to misunderstand his concepts.

May he rest in peace and may his eternal cat be tirelessly quoted in American nerdy television shows.

 

 

 

 

Area man exasperated with the summer heat looking forward to winter for a whole new set of weather related complaints

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Barcelona, Spain. “The days of the year when one has absolutely no objections towards the weather are few and far between. Fortunately this leaves the general population with a perpetual sense of indignation and an endless conversation topic”, local meteorologist Cesc Cabrera pointed out.

“If you live to complain, summer is THE time of the year for you. Whether you understand the impact of global warming or live in a bubble, the heatwaves will swipe over you much like over anybody else and you will be entitled to an opinion. Sí o sí”, Cesc continued.

However, some of the local people have expressed a more nuanced take on the issue. “I personally look forward to winter. I have complained enough about the heat, a general sensation of suffocation and prolonged siestas. I look forward to the time when I’ll be able to romanticize these facts and dream of the sun, the waves and the lovely warm weather from a freezing point of view. I’m just as fine with badmouthing the grey clouds, the unnecessarily harsh winds and the occasional snowflake”, Juan Cuesta informed. “I can’t wait for winter to come. I’m ready to trade hot air for a cool breeze.”

Meteorologists however are not as hopeful as Juan is. It seems that winters will get milder and drier throughout the Iberian peninsula and the typical “freezing” Barcelona temperatures of 4-5 degrees Celsius in January will soon be a distant memory. They also would like to point out the fact that the same people who deny the climate change are missing out on an incredible opportunity for constant bickering against everything and everyone. “We’re at a loss regarding how to persuade people that climate change is real and we are ready to appeal to everyone’s inner small-talker: come, complain and help us keep humanity in a dissatisfied mode for centuries to come”, Cesc Cabrera enthusiastically invites Spaniards and people all over the globe to join the unpopular movement of common sense.

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.

Brazilian team exits FIFA World Cup offering Neymar Jr the opportunity to focus on his acting career

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Kazan, Russia. An exciting and thrilling match took place tonight, one that would end with Belgium’s qualification in the World Cup semifinal  and Brazil’s unexpected demise. Many are inclined to receive the news of Belgium’s superiority with shock and horror, but not Neymar Jr.

As on optimist by nature he is inclined to always look on the bright side and see the good in everything. “I’m gonna take this chance to focus on my acting career. I have been told by quite a few peers and supporters that I am really good at acting. So good in fact, that I  should probably work on developing these skills outside the field. I intend to dedicate some time to it and see where it can take me. It’s pretty clear I have a special gift for drama.”

The interview was cut short as the team hurried to pack and book their flights back home. Everyone seemed supportive of Neymar’s decision and look forward to seeing his next production: “Rolling and sliding in Las Vegas”.