IT company set on creating new opportunities of despair for employees through massive layoffs

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Barcelona, Spain.  Ready to wake 150 employees up from their comfortable professional slumber, a local IT company decided to lay them off for their own benefit, no less.

“Everything  was working well, too well I would say. Then we realized we needed to give people new opportunities for a development that was directly proportional to the reorganization of our pockets”, CEO John Gready informed the press on Friday afternoon.

“While taking a fun, peaceful summer away from the people, we are pushing them beyond their comfort-zone yet again. We are challenging their perspective on job security and offer them a chance to wake up to the realities of capitalism. We think of it more as a gift than anything else”,  Mr. Gready continued.

Upon interviewing an employee who prefers to maintain his anonimity, we found out the following: “Not many of us were blindsided or taken by surprise. We sort of saw this coming, actually. With our inefficiency, poor work ethics, low technical skills, and not to mention our funny accent, the management simply had no option but to move the entire department to India. I mean, we probably should have suggested this to them a long time ago.”

Others were less understanding and whispered to our reporter: “Man, this sucks, I mean some of us have kids and other age related illnesses. It freaking hurts. Although, not as much as what happened yesterday to Argentina. This is just regular pain compared to that, Caballero Pelotudooo.”

 

 

 

Investigators find that it would actually kill baristas, if they pushed the lids all the way down on coffee cups

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Cornella de Llobregat, Spain. A series of mysterious deaths in the suburbs of the Catalan capital have called the attention of local authorities. Around February several baristas at a local coffee shop started falling dead at work, with numbers increasing throughout the following  months. Mortified by these events the police started investigating.

Pressured by public opinion and the fact that there was no decent coffee to be bought anywhere, the authorities carried out an investigation with surprising results. After close observation the unlikely culprit was exposed.

The police noticed that the root cause of the issue was actually doing a decent job of properly pushing the plastic lid all the way down on the coffee cups. “While careless baristas would go about their day undisturbed, the ones who would actually mind closing the coffee lid properly to avoid IV and III degree burns to the customers’ skin dropped dead as soon as they completed the respectful act”, a spokesperson for the local catalan police, Des Cafeinado, reported.

It does seem like there is a clear and straightforward answer to the eternal question: “Would it actually kill baristas to push the motherflipping lid all the way down on your cup to avoid burns, damaged clothes and a growth spurt in one’s swearword vocabulary?”

The unequivocal answer is yes.

The European General Data Protection Regulation is set to protect citizens from ever finding out who their personal data is leaked to and why

GDPR

Brussels, Belgium.  Two years after the General Data Protection Regulation entered into force on the 24th of May 2016, the regulation is ready to become directly applicable in all member states of the European Union and the European Economic Area.

The regulation does not require national governments to pass any enabling legislation and is directly binding and applicable, so that no EU citizen ever need worry about finding out uncomfortable information about whose political campaign their leaked information really ends up supporting, for example. 

Of course, not only political ends are served by forwarding personal data to third parties. Economical and social use can be made of it too. “There are quite a few areas your private information can help improve and boost, even. The main thing is to avoid getting too upset about it. It is not advisable to stir unnecessary conflict, thus we have created a law to protect our citizens against ever finding out who their personal information is leaked to and why”, the spokesperson for the European Parliament informed on Thursday. “Trust me, it’s better this way.”

“Basically everyone will have to participate in a short training at work and be bored out of their minds for about half an hour. Most employees should already know how to handle that, though”, the CEO of Minds over Matter said.

There has been little protest from the European citizens in respect to this regulation. The population agrees that what you don’t know, can’t hurt you and just wants to click really fast through the many emails flooding their inbox so that they can skip to the fun part of checking their Facebook feed.

There will be a party, naturally, in order to celebrate the fundamental human right to ignorance. Since Mark Zuckerberg said he was sorry for what happened in the Cambridge Analytica affair, and he was supersincere, and like, supersorry, the European politicians decided to wave the white flag and invite him. Holding grudges causes cancer, they say. Plus, for sure someone will bring up the royal wedding. There’s enough small talk material there for a whole continent.

Donald Trump sends his warm regards and is sorry he won’t be able to make it. He has not reached his weekly quota of pep talking himself in the mirror and can’t miss another session.

Again, nobody thought of Kim Jong Un. What can one expect from capitalists?

 

 

 

 

Diplodocus recovers from a 152 million years hangover only to find his species has become extinct

allmyfriends

 

Mid-Western North America. A one of a kind 30 meter long Diplodocus felt something in his eyes this morning as he was waking up from 152 million years of sleep. It was the light shining through the beautiful leaves of the tree he has been sleeping under for quite a while now.

He remembered the night before and the awesome party where he apparently had had a few fermented fruit juices too many. He also vaguely recalled making a pass at this really gorgeous Stegosaurus lady called Tiffany. According to his friends she was supposed to be into tall and strong dinosaurs such as himself. Suddenly another flashback hit him as he recalled in horror the words “You Diplodick!” falling out of her pretty mouth, followed by a  loud slap. “Superoriginal, Tiffany!”, he thought to himself as he rose to his feet.

Little did he know the troubles ahead were somewhat more substantial than that stinging remark. As soon as he got up, he could see something was wrong. Many rectangle blocks of something were moving really fast and they seemed to have some weird creatures in them. There were even bigger blocks of regular shape displaying all sorts of colours and some of them reflecting light. He pinched himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. He wasn’t.

He looked around. There was nobody. Nobody that he knew, anyway.

“Tiffany?”, he heard himself call softly.

Suddenly he heard something move behind him and a little creature walking on two legs stepped out of the bushes. It was really small and his nose was running. The danger perceived was minimal. They carefully approached each other and the small creature held out his hand, introducing himself: “Hi, I am Mark”. The Diplodocus almost crushed Mark when he lifted his foot to introduce himself too.  Well, this is embarrassing, but he sort of forgot his name. It must have been the booze or all those years passing, that messed  with his memory.  Mark, who was a supersmart boy and loved dinosaurs like all supersmart boys, recognized his kind and proposed to call him Dippy.”

Mark explained to Dippy that during the last millions of years during which he was asleep, the world had changed quite a bit and that his friends had vanished from Earth. Actually he could still see their bones in a museum, but probably that’s not what he hoped to hear when he asked “Where’s everybody?”. Mark also told him that we were not really 100% sure how his species got extinct and some people still don’t believe they ever existed at all. Dippy was really astounded by all of this. “All my friends are dead?  You don’t believe I ever existed? Am  I supposed to walk on two feet now? Oh boy…”

A deep sadness came over Dippy as he tried to take in the new world order, but Mark had a plan. In order to save Dippy from exploitation, a life at the Zoo or in the captivity of a mad scientist, Mark decided to shelter him in his secret garden. “You would be my first dinosaur friend, Dippy!” Clearly he accepted and was happy about it. Mark seemed like a really nice and small enough biped who would surely play some form of catch with him and drink a lot of fermented fruit juice when he got older and bigger. Although not as big as Dippy.

“All my friends are dead, but I just made a new one”, Dippy thought to himself as he entered the lush secret garden in a less than elegant manner. Amazing fruit and leaves were hanging everywhere and truth be told he was starting to feel hungry. “I’ve never felt so happy to be a herbivore in a biped’s garden before!”

The End.

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.

Area man gives girlfriend a personalized necklace on her birthday as a constant reminder of her name

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Brilliant, Alabama. An ingenious birthay gift idea okurr occurred to Bruce Johnston, boyfriend of 8 months to Chloe Cockburn. As her birthday was approaching and he was absolutely clueless about what to get her that would show appreciation, but would also be practical, Bruce started asking around.

“Dude, why don’t you get her some jewelry? Women are suckers for those things”, a friend warmly advised. Bruce didn’t think that was such a bad idea, but it still seemed a little too impersonal somehow. He felt he could do more.

One Sunday afternoon, as his girlfriend made him watch reruns of Sex and the City at gunpoint, Bruce saw the protagonist wear a tiny little necklace with her name on it.  He instantly thought the only reason one would wear their own name on a necklace was so that others could identify them in a nuclear war scenario…although…maybe the nametag could turn out be futile in the end.

Such thoughts were crossing Bruce’s mind as he was contemplating ending his life with a spoon. Then it suddenly dawned on him! “She would love it! She’d love a necklace like that and I would always be reminded of her name when I saw her! No more confusion! Cute, practical and proof of my univided attention when it comes down to vapid and mildly exasperating television series for women.”

Bruce ran to the store and got Chloe the necklace for her upcoming brithday! She naturally loved it and is wearing it all the time.

Asked by his buddies how it all turned out, Bruce reported: “It’s the gift that keeps on giving, man. I’m never mixing up her name anymore and sometimes when she’s in an excepcionally good mood, we watch some football too.”

 

Overseas friend very impressed with marvellous Croatian wedding

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Vinkovci, Croatia. After waiting for what seemed an eternity, the 30th of April finally arrived. Friends and family united in the lovely Slavonian town of Vinkovci to celebrate a special union between a Croatian and Canadian citizen, whose national identity was revealed and supported by two awesome and huge flags.

The guests were received very warmly, they reportedly had a lot of fun and were deeply impressed by everyone´s kindness and hospitality. The few drops of rain that fell during late afternoon did not really bother anyone.

It is possible that a few tears were shed as the bride and groom read out their vows.  Some guests stated that they were genuine, heartfelt and very touching. Much like the whole ceremony which displayed a lot of integrity and very little pointless official chatter.

There was some serious dancing going on by 10pm, an activity that was only interrupted by the delicious food that was served. The meal was so delicious in fact, that one could simply not stop eating despite the  brain signaling satiety to the rest of the body with increasing desperation.  As several guests observed, the only drawback was the difficulty of abusing the inviting Rakia around that much food, but then again maybe that wasn´t such a bad thing after all. The morning after damage control was basically nonexistent and unnecessary, leaving many of the guests feeling like proper adults in control of their lives.

Overall the experience was simply amazing and certainly unforgettable!

Congratulations to the beautiful bride and the handsome groom and may their love keep shining on for rest of their lives as a source of inspiration to all of us.

 

 

 

 

Swedish DJ Avicii nearly misses entrance to the famous 27 Club

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Muscat, Oman. Sad news of Tim Bergling´s death spread out Friday, April 20th. The EDM musician, better known by his stage name Avicii, left this world at the age of 28 nearly missing access to the 27 Club.

So far no statement has been issued by the Heavenly Administrative House as to why the young artist was denied entrance to the club where he could have partied on with the likes of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin or Jim Morrisson. Rumor has it, that the club has a strict rock and rollers policy, one Avicii did not comply with. “As a DJ, we understand he dedicated his time to fumbling buttons, an instrument the strict heavenly elite is still unsure about in terms of general acceptance”, divine music reviewer Elle B. Bach explains.

On the bright side, the discrimination seems to have been able to buy the young artist some time, even if not too long, as a slot opened up in the 28 Lounge a few months after his 28th birthday.

The Heavenly Administrative House is expected to clarify the entrance requirements later this week and review remaining applications with care in an attempt to reduce bias and unequitable distribution of available places.

 

 

 

Area woman rushed to hospital after overdosing on wisdom from Quora

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Barcelona, Spain. Late Saturday night Mariana Guzman, 43, called the emergency number reporting symptoms of nausea, dizziness and severe abdominal cramps. “I was at home, sipping on a cup of sage tea when it all started. I was in my kitchen reading some really interesting  Q&As on Quora and I might have gotten sucked in a little, because in the middle of  an article about how to improve my life starting with he little things, I felt a pang in my chest and my heart started beating really fast. Then I started to break an inexplicable sweat and to feel rather dizzy. I was short of breath and started to panic. That’s when I called the emergency services.”

After stabilizing the patient and running several tests, the medical staff is baffled. “We have never seen anything like this before. It´s nothing short of a medical mistery. Ms. Guzman displayed symptoms of an overdose without consuming any prohibited substance. When we scanned her brain, we could see clear signs of excessive wisdom in her limbic system as well as in her prefrontal cortex. She then told us that she had been spending a lot of time on forums such as Quora, learning about things ranging from the meaning of life to why nitrogen was called nitrogen.”

Ms. Guzman did admit to a certain level of addiction to soft-spoken, warm advice from strangers. “It´s hard not to get hooked on a platform where genuine kindness, openness and yes, wisdom, are so abundant. Yes, there is no garden without its weeds, but the weed to roses ratio is surprisingly low over here. The people who write are so knowledgeable and polite. It´s like a preview of what it all could be like if everybody was nice to each other. Plus the jokes. ”

Ms. Guzman is going to be released from the hospital on Wednesday with a recommendation for moderation and increased water intake.

Surely there is plenty of advice on how to achieve that on her beloved forum. 

Pickpockets of Barcelona to organize protest march after multiple public transport strikes dramatically decrease their income

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Barcelona, Spain.  Admittedly,  it is hard to put a face on the pickpocket community of any city, let alone on a robbery hub the size of Barcelona. Hard, but not impossible, as the quixotic local policeforce would describe it.

Indeed the times are changing and our once elusive brothers and sisters are coming out of the shadows to stand up for what is rightfully theirs. Manuel La Dron, an experienced wallet snatcher whose work is focused on the Metro Lines 2 and 3, elaborates: “Ever since I was little I started learning the craft. It´s the livelihood of generations and a big part of our identity. Ever since the public transport strikes started, we see our income dimish considerably and feel that it is becoming a real threat for our families and our overall wellbeing.”

Manuel also explains that the metros, buses and trams are so crowded that there is simply no space to move between the passengers. “You want to get close, but not too close. There is a certain distance to be calculated, one which requires a special skill. You don´t want to end up making someone feel uncomfortable. What the strikers don´t seem to understand is that we, also, have a work ethic to live up to and demand humane work conditions.”

With this conflict on the rise it is hard to tell what is next in line for the city of Barcelona who has been hit by acute political and socio-economical tension over the past year. The mayor tries to calm the waters and strike a deal with the public transport workers´ so that everything can go back to normal. “We expect the pickpokets´ situation to stabilize accordingly”, she declared in a press conference on Wednesday morning.

The robbers of Barcelona are expected to march through the city center on Saturday, April 21., as a sign of protest against reduced income, increased rates of sexual harressment charges and an overall dissatisfaction with the status quo.

Reports to follow.

 

 

The Nobel Prize in Literature 2017 awarded solely based on aesthetic criteria

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Stockholm, Sweden. The Nobel Prize in Literature 2017 has been awarded on Thursday,  October 5th, to English writer of Japanese descent Kazuo Ishiguro “who, in novels of great emotional force, has uncovered the abyss beneath our illusory sense of connection with the world”.

There is no obvious trace of a political influence on this decision, causing the literary community to rejoice and breathe easy. ‘It’s been rough in the past with Müller, Kertész and Alexievich winning. Not to mention the Bob Dylan controversy of last year’, Mr. Knowles, a purist defender of aesthetic value comments on the situation.

‘It seems like some things have returned to normal. In a largely divided Europe, with growing tension among countries all over the world, at least this aspect of our society has gotten back in check. It’s good for the people’, public opinion researcher, Ms. Roll, shares her findings with our reporter with a visible air of relief.

Contacted by our team the spokesperson for the Nobel committee declared: ‘We’re just tired of scandal and accusations to be honest. The choice is either too political, too unconventional or a woman. This year we’ll just lay low and pick someone whose books were made into movies.’

Only God knows what Philip Roth must be feeling right now.

 

Spanish riot police and Catalan population bury the hatchet upon unexpected discovery of sandy beaches 10 minutes away from city centre

Barcelona

Barcelona, Spain. Following police brutality throughout the Catalan region on the 2nd of October, day of the Catalan Referendum for Independence, the people of Barcelona made a remarkable discovery that no one would have expected. It seems like 4 km of sandy beaches are outlining the Eastern part of the metropolis.

“We have no explanation whatsoever for having missed such an important part of our city. People were just walking towards the polling stations in the Barrio of Barceloneta when they simply bumped into this enormously beautiful body of water. We suspect it to be the Mediterranean”, mayor Ada Colau declared in a press conference.

Scientists believe the sea to be several millions of years old: ‘It’s so strange nobody noticed it before. It seems to have been around for quite some time. We always thought the heat was a bit too humid for a landlocked city, but with no clear proof we couldn’t just put a finger on it’, local meteorologist  informs.

Upon catching wind of the city’s beautiful beaches both Catalans and riot police dropped their political agenda and stormed to the metro and bus stations in order to experience this unprecedented view. Firefighters and local police dedicated the rest of their day to preparing Mojitos for the peaceful population. ‘It’s incredible how the beauty of nature can tame passions and bring conflicts to an end. Add a splash of rum and I promise you that’s as close to heaven as you need to get, Jordi, an exhausted, but enthusiastic Catalan firefighter declared for our reporter while mixing drinks.

‘At the end of the day, we need so little to be happy, love and respect each other as human beings’, PM Mariano Rajoy concluded, promising to stop allowing police to beat grandmas and shoot rubber bullets at civilians.

 

 

 

 

A lot of useful information to be found in ‘Useful info’ folder on company’s shared drive

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There is a folder on every company’s SharePoint containing nothing but helpful documentation meant to make your professional life easier. An inquiry into the SharePoint structure of 10 different international IT companies revealed that each and every one of them had an active ‘Useful info’ folder on a shared drive for all  of their employees to access.

‘Unlike dozens of other folders that hold nothing but irrelevant information incapable to serve a single soul, this folder has gathered throughout the years that which we might easily refer to as the company’s core values, its distilled wisdom if you want’, Mark Savage CEO of Pointless declares.

Moreover, an employee survey pointed out the fact that the folder is by far the most popular one among forgetful employees who choose to save their passwords and other private information in order to be able to access it from anywhere across the network.

‘We see a bright future for this type of folder. It won’t be long before employees will realize it can serve as a romance starting point as well. Think Tinder with the security of a VPN connection. Many of them are already slipping their phone number and a cute picture in there. They know it can go a long way’,  Chris Grey system, administrator of Shady, concludes.

With 9 out of 10 professionals accessing it regularly it is safe to say the folder generates more traffic than ‘Fire and Safety Training’ or ‘Deadlines’.