Montgomery. Alabama. Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey has signed an abortion ban into law just last Wednesday, 15 May. According to the new bill women are obliged to carry to term pregnancies that may have been the result of rape, incest and other forms of abuse, should these pregnancies be viable. Not only women with unwanted pregnancies have been targeted, but the doctors who are willing to end such pregnancies are expected to serve a life sentence.
Gov. Kay Ivey explains that among the main motivators for passing this ban is the growing concern over the decreasing number of child brides in the state, but also a lack of highschool students who could participate in future school shootings. “These dynamics have brought upon us a lot of sleepless nights. We must step in and take matters into our own hands before it is too late and there are no more unwanted children born to financially, emotionally and physically overwhelmed parents! It is important to remember that after passing the anti-abortion law, we are also working on bettering our support systems for future parents. To begin with we ensure 12 months of paid parental leave and offer free psychological counseling for abuse victims. It’s not like we’re hypocrites. We really have to make this work! Do we want our guns to go unfired? Do we want our nation to be taken over by Muslims?! Africans?! Mexicans?! Breed, People! For Chrissake…”, Gov. Ivey concluded by rolling her eyes at the lack of social and political engagement of the average American.
Additionally, it has been reported that social workers are creating the required infrastructure and already employing the necessary resources for at least two conferences: “Rape is dope” and “Your life, my choices – A matter of perspective” are set to take place in Montgomery early next month. “We hope to offer more clarity to those who for mysterious reasons still think they have a say in their private matters. Of course, it is well known that banning abortions only means women will go to greater lenghts to get them, endangering their health and ability to have children later on. Their lives also matters, just … less.”, Gov. Ivey informs. “[Insert senseless rambling containing keywords: State, Great, Again, Life, God, Human Life Protection, Blessed, Low IQ.”
Hollywood. L.A. California. It is undeniable that certain ghosts and paranormal forces have a thing for loud noises. In an attempt to understand their passion for causing commotion, a group of scientists started to study the phenomenon. “It is a well known fact that the undead want our attention”, Poltergeist Expert Dr. Elias Spektor declares. “Last time I sat down with a possessed spirit from the Other Side, it told me its main motivation for interacting with the living was to kill time (no pun intened).”
While some poltergeister like to draw attention by hurting the living with sharp objects or alternatively dedicate themselves to breaking framed family photos (especially those resting on mantlepieces), some more refined and more experienced haunted souls, prefer to build up momentum before going in for the eventual kill. “These are our rockstars, these are the ghosts who make it big. It’s simple really, they are willing and able to put on a show and a scary one at that! Hollywood directors and producers more often than not recruit the next house-haunter, kid-snatcher, vindicive-undead-spirit from among these confident alpha shadowy presences.”, Mr. Spektor clarifies. “Moreover, while carrying out our investigation and studying various such spirits, it was scientifically proven that 99,99% of the undead population displayed an irresistible attraction towards kitchenware. Pans, pots, plates – you name it!”
“It is especially effective when the living are sleeping or feel safe in the comfort of their home while watching a movie, taking a bath (although for bathing humans we engage special powers). Personally I just love to smash pans against each other and throw cutlery around! It’s so much fun and it works everytime. They get scared s**tless.”, a fork-loving spirit of the underwolrd, who prefers to maintain anonymity, declared for The Morning Sunset in the dead of night.
“Whatever you do, go out with a bang, not a whimper!”, says Casper, a friendly ghost still struggling to boost his evil spirit reputation. “Look, I bent a knife! Yaaaaay!”
Paris. France. A devastating fire broke out on the 15th of April in Paris, destroying an important part of the Notre Dame cathedral, one of the central symbols of Western culture and spirituality. This occurrence has brought a considerable amount of grief upon people from all over the world, for whom the 12th century Gothic cathedral was and will continue to be an epitome of architectural genius and creative beauty. Undoubtedly the loss and the shock left in the wake of its destruction is great and will be felt for a very long time to come.
Apart from causing pain and bewilderment among regular citizens, the unfortunate incident has touched the hearts of France’s economic elite, who in the span of 3 days managed to gather 1 billion € to support the reconstruction and restoration of the well-known and well-beloved church.
Their generosity allowed the entire world to feel a ray of hope in the midst of great sadness and desolation, demonstrating that people do have the ability to stand together, be charitable and chip in when they are most needed. In the name of solidarity, the philanthropic magnates confirm they are also donating €37,20 to homeless shelters worldwide, €12,89 to rare diseases clinical research, as well as €7,45 to ending child labor in West Africa.
“At the end of the day we must know that a church – no matter how old and how important, how beautiful or how impressive – is only a man-made symbol of faith and love. It is a place of worship where people go to learn about what lies beyond the wonderful paintings and the stained glass.”, Archbishop Michel Aupetit concludes without additional commentary.
Barcelona. Spain. Game of Thrones, the one in a million TV series who brought joy and excitement to an entire planet, alongside mass tourism upon Croatia and Iceland, has done it again! April 14th was THE release date of the Season 8 Premiere. Fans around the world have waited for a considerable amount of time to see new glimpses of dragon-ridden action and the Saga’s heroes, the encounter reportedly being bitter-sweet for many. Season 8 marks the ending of the beloved and critically acclaimed show.
We have interviewed a few locals to measure the level of excitement here in Catalonia and have come to a surprising discovery.
“I’ll be waiting for someone to dub this in Catalan or at least Spanish.”, Joan Ferran declared for The Morning Sunset earlier today. “We are used to dragons here in Catalonia. Come enjoy the Sant Jordi Festival with us on the 23rd of April. Spring is coming!”
Marina Teller, a fisherman’s wife, admits she prefers watching the local news for entertainment. “You can laugh, you can cry – there are lots of games of thrones here in Catalonia. We’ve seen it all and then some.”
Moving on we encountered a young lady on her way to work. She was in a hurry, but nonetheless decided to give us the time of day. Francesca Domenech, a produce shop owner, informed us that she almost watched the first episode this morning, by all means she meant to, but she was distracted by the first leg of her bi-weekly cute puppy photo scroll session, after which her neighbour knocked on her door with the latest gossip: “The corner store is selling artichokes for 20 cents less than the market price!!!”.
This information caused Francesa to run to the store so as to evaluate which fruit/vegetable she could put on sale today. “We need to match the cheekiness of the competition. It is a jungle out here! And the Iron Throne must not be occupied by the corner store mother of …. dragons!”
In conclusion we can say that if there is some enthusiasm regarding the Season Premiere, it is, as Kundera liked to say – elsewhere.
Puglia. Italy. International scientists confirm they have gathered in Italy, the place where every culinary fantasy goes to be gratified, in order to study a curious phenomenon. It seems the puzzling behaviour that caught their attention first emerged in the South of Italy, namely the Apulia region, with an overwhelming tendency to spread throughout Europe and the other continents. But what is this about exactly?
“We started looking closely into a specific conduct after statistics showed an impressive number of people changing their spiritual orientation as a result of tasting the Italian cheese Burrata. The individuals, all previously self-declared atheists, started to seek out distinct forms of religion, each and every one of them confessing to the unshakeable belief in the existence of God and his almighty power.”, sociologist David Stilton explains.
“You cannot taste Burrata and fail to see the mystery, magic and beauty of this world He created. How can something this sublime be man-made? Impossible.”, Maricarmen Fuentes, a Spanish tourist declares. “I came here to relax and have a good time with my friends, and I had never in my wildest dreams expected to find such firm ground for a spiritual Renaissance. And careful, we have pretty amazing food in Spain to begin with!”
“This cheese of the Gods has most certainly been put on Earth to make up for Brussel sprouts.”, Helga Gruyere, a Swiss tourist shares her experience. “I feel that everything makes sense now. Undoubtedly, everything happens for a reason. Otherwise how could I have ever discovered this somptuous piece of immortality? Yes, I am Swiss. If anything, we are proud of our cheeses! They are good, strong, honest pieces of joy – however if you are looking for an epihpany – by all means – Burrata is your go to piece of heaven.”
Scientists are puzzled by this phenomenon and try to get to the bottom of it. “We know cheese was produced by monks in the Middle Ages, so we do observe a strong connection between cheese and spiritual calling that goes back hundreds and hundreds of years.”, Jack Monterey, a reasearcher at the Food is Life Institute of Wiscons, explains.
Scientists are following more leads in order to understand the causal relation between overwhelmingly positive experiences and the belief in a transcendent spiritual power. “We have noticed similar behaviour in individuals acquainted to the music of Baroque composer Johann Sebastian Bach and those who enjoy a cold Coca-Cola (on the rocks, with a slice of lemon) on a hot summer’s day.”, Bree de Meaux, a Cheese Master from France, weighs in. We are following up and comparing the results with great interest.”,
As soon as the international commission will have reached a conclusion about this fascinating phenomenon, The Morning Sunset will report on the findings.
Planet Earth. A.D. 2019. Having managed to protect quite a bit of the world’s population from itself after bravely standing up to the big bad pharmaceutical boogie man, anti-vaxxers are ready to take on a new level of their selfless mission to save the world.
“We recommend every PC, laptop, tablet or mobile phone user to immediately stop installing antivirus software on their devices and uninstall every single item of such devilish tools. Somewhere on the internet I read that this type of software is actually harmful to your device and does not protect it from cyber attacks, viruses, hacking, phishing, etc. Big corporations sell you the antivirus software with the intent to make your device explode after 4 months of usage, rather than protect you from harmful intruders. We recommend everybody to stop supporting these profit-oriented companies from hell and trust your device’s own ability to fight off IT world pathogens. By virtue of the authority vested in me by Googlen Search Engines, I urge you to stop and think about the repercussions of installing such software.”, Richard “Dick” Smallpox, leader of the Anti-Vaxxer community in Portland, Oregon urges the world’s population.
“I had three children, one of which reached adulthood and is still doing farely well.”, Densirée Wooden, mother of 1, Anti-Vaxxer and Anti-Antivirus-Militant, shares her concerns. “I’ll be damned, if I lose my only surviving child because of the antivirus software installed on his computer. I heard Dick Smallpox yesterday on TV saying that this kind of sofware is extremely dangerous, makes your eyes and brain shrink and causes your fingers to melt. We must stop this madness. The world is a mean, mean place and we are so exposed to the arbitrariness of medicine, science, technology. It is unbelievable.”
“We are planning to organize a conference and spread this information in an attempt to expose what many companies struggle to keep hidden. How many people did actually walk into the ER with the sensation that their fingers were melting or expanding, a sensation that was NOT caused by LSD tripping, but by using computers with antivirus software installed! Quite similar to pharmaceutical companies that keep the known cures for Diabetes or even Cancer under wraps, trying to reduce the amount of people who would actually boycott and ruin their business once such information got out, IT companies want to keep you in the dark about the benefits of surfing freely without antivirus software installed. How would they make their money otherwise?”, Richard Smallpox explains.
“There is no doubt in my mind that thousands of years of scientific medical research and understanding, as well as internet things technology development cannot compete with the enlightening information that can be obtained from an antivirus free computer with a Google search enginge installed. They want to silence, rebuke and attack us, but we and possibly some of our children, will prevail”, Sandy Hooked, member and co-founder of Them Agaist Us Conspiracy Theory Association declared earlier today for The Morning Sunset.
Upon further inquiry Sandy could not elaborate on who THEY are and just assumed that “we” and “you know”.
Well, we don’t, Sandy, but please, don’t explain.
Mountain View, California, United States. After receiving multiple requests from Gourmet Users from all over the world, especially Italy, the Mozilla Foundation decided to please its loyal user-base by releasing an improved version of the well known browser.
“Mozzarella Firefox 66.0.3 is coming out in a couple of days to the delight of our end users. This is a personalized browser where people can check out cooking shows, cooking websites, recipes, you name it. The most important feature is concerning food delivery orders placed via the new Mozzarella Firefox. We guarantee your order will be at your doorstep in less than 10 minutes accompanied by a complimentary Mozzarella di Buffala portion. We are breaking new ground in the service industry.”, Kevin Bacon, former actor turned PR manager of the Mozilla Foundation, confirms.
Other than to offer personalized gourmet browsing, Mozzarella Firefox also promises to be twice as fast as any other browser when it comes down to searching information about the Red Panda, the original Firefox, of course. “Is there anything better than food and cute animals?”, Jascha Kayakas-Wolff, Chief Marketing Officer of Mozilla, asks rethorically.
Enjoy! Bon Appétit!
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.