British scientists reveal that once per week there must be a Monday

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Oxford. United Kingdom. British scientists have released a report of the unwelcome truth that most of us came to intuit over time.”Every week for 24h straight, there is a natural phenomenon that cannot be eluded. Most of humans refer to it as Monday although in certain parts of the world the signifier may vary.  The concept however is the same: a vicious time when all hopes and dreams of the weekend are washed away by the cruel reality of the workweek”, Susan Sontag, Time Specialist and Weekday Researcher explains.

After careful scientific observation we have come to the conclusion that this period of desolation occurs every 7 days and lasts a total of 24 hours, 8 of which you sleep. If you are lucky. “Since the beginning of time there have been days of rest and days of … less rest. Monday belongs to the latter category”, Trey O’Clock, Time Management Director of the Oxford Institute for Monday Research, informs. “Much as we tried to bend time, in most of the cases it seems very troublesome and cost-inefficient. Of course, there are ways and if you are interested you can read about it in the Monday Research Paper that comes out … you guessed … next Monday!”, Ph.D. Cronos Papadakis announces.

Despite the bad news, scientists do point out that there is hope and a way to deal with the 24 hours of weekly dread, namely to drink high quality coffee, practice Stoicism, go for a run and keep in mind that everything is temporary. Even Mondays.

Peace activist buys all Tiós de Nadal in Catalonia to protect them from bodily harm

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Barcelona. Spain. There is a Christmas tradition in Catalonia, that requires children to take care of this really cute log, the Tió de Nadal, during the month of December. They cover him up with a blanket, give him treats and water. Then on the 24th or the 25th of December they turn on him, beat him with sticks while they sing songs about beating the log with sticks. The goal of the beatation is to get the Caga Tió to defecate presents, especially sweets and other goodies that the kids get to eat afterwards. Everyone is happy.  Except the half dead Christmas Logs of Catalonia.

“We are dealing with a type of abuse that’s deeply embedded in the local culture.”, Log Equal Rights Expert Woody Quarrelson. “This is why it is realistic to say that it will take some time to make people understand that hitting logs so that they defecate presents is not the best behavioral pattern that they can establish for their children. Without realizing, they are sending the message that it is okay to hit inanimate objects in order to get what you want.”

Mr. Quarrelson reportedly bought all the Tiós in Catalonia in order to protect them from the aforementioned abuse and intends to release them only upon solmn promises from children and parents, that under no circumstances will they put the logs in harm’s way.

Studies show that the Tiós de Nadal that do make it alive after the beatings, suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and are hospitalized two to four weeks in the public sanitary system. “Enough said”, Mr. Quarrelson goes on. “A time has come to stand up for Wood Rights and this is a perfect place to start. With children, with our future leaders. Christmas is a peaceful time, a time for generosity, forgiveness and inner balance. Log violence must be reduced in Catalonia for the sake of promoting the real values of Christmas as a Christian holiday.”

After hearing the news all Caga Tiós started smiling and were really, really happy to spend the month of December surrounded by kids in peaceful cohabitation. They even offered to do the dishes as a sign of gratitude. Willing to put all hard feelings behind and make the most of the winter season, the Caga Tiós have started to spread the holiday cheer. All of them promised to try and defecate as many sweets as possible and not to let any single child down.

A survey also shows that children and parents are willing to stop beating the Caga Tió and in some cases they even vowed to stop singing funny songs ordering the Tió to ..you know…produce the goodies.

After such a successful intervention Woody Quarrelson, decided to return to his homeland, t.e UK, before they start requiring a Visa from their own subjects. Woody is ready to take on bigger challenges such as saving pine trees from being cut each year for a few days of human gratification.

“There is no doubt in my mind that this will be really challenging, but if I can persuade kids to stop beating down logs, maybe I can do the same with grown-ups. In for the penny, in for the pound.”

We are wishing you well, Woody!

Swiss citizen rushed to the hospital after discovering bubblegum wrapper in the middle of the sidwalk

 

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Zürich. Switzerland. Swiss citizen Caspar Zimmerli was rushed to the University Hospital Zürich by an ambulance after displaying multiple symptoms of a heart attack earlier this morning. Mr. Zimmerli had collapsed to the ground after experiencing a squeezing sensation in his chest, shortness of breath and a sudden dizziness.

After being treated and stabilized, Mr. Zimmerli explained the cause of this unfortunate event. “I was walking down the Bahnhofstrasse watching the wonderful Christmas lights and enjoying a calm Sunday morning, when upon looking down at the pavement, I saw a single, wrinkled bubblegum wrapper of red colour just lying there. I confess, that ever since I was a small child, I heard legends and stories of far away places where littering existed and I admit that I have lived in constant fear of one day experiencing this reality. When I saw the wrapper, conspicuously displayed on the Zürcher sidewalk, my heart literally skipped a beat and then it went completely out of control. I remember little apart from the fact that I tried to grab it, before anyone else would see it. I was in shock.”

Mr. Zimmerli was not allowed to continue the interview as rest is of utmost importance after the damage of a heart attack. A close family member has removed the bubblegum wrapper from Mr. Zimmerli’s pocket in order to avoid him reliving the horror later when he would get home. The hospital staff was so kind to destroy the evidence and assured that Mr. Zimmerli will be seeing a therapist for at least 4 weeks after his hospital discharge in order to cope with the trauma.

We wish him gueti Besserig! And implore tourists and citizens to spare the Swiss sidewalks from uncivilized acts of vandalism.

Merci vielmal!

Bored to death children of melophile parents elaborate plan to escape concert hall during intermission

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Barcelona. Spain. Many are the woes of childhood, but none as unbearable as boredom, and nobody seems to understand this better than children of melophile parents.

“For every letter of the alphabet, there seem to be three composers. Or four!”, little Wolfgang Amadeus Martorell, 9,  complained. “It is neverending! I want to play SuperMario Bros.”

“I have to attend classical music concerts on a weekly basis, when I could just play with my friends, watch TV or even do my homework instead!”, Johann Sebastian Boix, 12, cried out.

“With Christmas music already being performed in concert halls and churches all over town, not to mention Händel’s Messiah oratorium looming over our heads, filling us with a sense of impeding doom, me and my friends want to send a message to all children out there exposed to the sacral beauty of classical music: Hold on. Don’t lose hope! There is a way out! Literally”, Piotr Ilyich Toset, 7, revealed.

The kids have a plan to escape the next concert during intermission. “The meeting point is the third exit to the left. We have distributed maps and compasses to all the children impacted. “At exactly 20:45 you will need to go to the restroom. At 20:50 the doors will open as the intermission begins, and we will be able to run free into the street and play!”, Gioachino Rossell, 14,  informed with light in his eyes.

“They don’t plan to stop at escaping and listening to rock music, like any other normal child in this world. My friends’ next step is to change their names from Johann Sebastian, Georg Friedrich, Franz and Bela to Freddy, Axl and Meat Loaf.”, Clara Sermann, 8,  discolsed. “I’m pretty fine with sticking to Clara, though. She was really cool. Apart from breaking Brahms’ heart, you know. But then maybe we would not have had those four wonderful symphonies, would we?”

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.

Delicious morning coffee gone too soon

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Stratford-upon-Avon, United Kingdom. There is a saying that goes like this: “You don’t know what you’ve got, until it’s gone.” And let me tell you, ay, there’s the rub. When you first buy your coffee in the morning the possibilities seem endless, even on a Monday. But then time, time always comes in to destroy that which is perfectWe are time’s subjects, and time bids be gone.

The delicious flavour, the brilliance of the milky foam abounding, the perfect warmth – Where have you gone? O, untimely death, how thou pain’st me!

Why have you left before your time? Like a temporary exhibition at the Guggenheim, that I didn’t have a dime to check out. For ever and a day without your enzymes, with all hope lost and just a couple of rhymes to remind me of the good times. How to do such bitter business alone?  Hours on end at my desk, on the phone, without a sip of your thick foam – an orphan child without a home.

If I were a poet, I’d write you a Sonnet to honour your brief life, to draw you a portrait. Hear me! O, hear me! Sweet Mistress of the good taste:

When I consider everything that grows
Holds in perfection but a little moment,
That this huge stage presenteth nought but shows
Whereon the stars in secret influence comment;
When I perceive that men as plants increase,
Cheered and check’d even by the selfsame sky,
Vaunt in their youthful sap, at height decrease,
And wear their brave state out of memory;
Then the conceit of this inconstant stay
Sets you most rich in youth before my sight,
Where wasteful Time debateth with Decay
To change your day of youth to sullied night;
And all in war with Time for love of you,
As he takes from you, I engraft you new.

 

 

 

Studies show that 8 out of 10 pieces of furniture prefer hurting the pinky toe

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Barcelona, Spain. Ever stubbed your toe in the comfort of your own home? When you least expected it? When everything seemed to be going right for you?

Bristish scientists have conducted a survey among a series of different pieces of furniture, in an attempt to establish their toe preference and the root cause of their mal-intent. Among the interviewees there have been chairs, bookcases, drawers, cupboards, coat racks, armchairs , and of course, tables.

“The study was fueled by a desire to protect humans from the seemingly arbitrary malice of furniture. Domestic life seems pretty harmless, right? Wrong. An average of 3000 citizens die every year as a consequence of home injuries. That is 100% loss of life for each fatal victim.”, Doctor of Engineering Ike Kea reports.

An interesting insight into the psychology of couches was provided by Mr. Chester Field, a sturdy and imposing individual.

“I sit at home all day, most of the time alone. Sometimes I am left on my own the whole weekend and on occasion entire weeks of stuffy, hot summer. Nothing ever happens to me. So, yes, every now and then I try to laugh at my human’s expense. But I don’t mean to really hurt him. Okay, maybe their pinky toe. A little.”

“Pieces of furniture seem not to realize the kind of pain they inflict upon humans, when they decide to go in for the pinky toe”, Ph.D. Ike Kea continued. “Some of them expressed a desire to hurt their human’s arms or legs, but the whopping majority voiced a preference for the pinky toe. Their behavior seems to be motivated mainly by boredom and lack of occupation. At the end of the day, who likes to be simply passed by without leaving a mark of sorts? We suggest trying to talk to your furniture  every now and then, just the way you do to your pets or plants. Say thank you onoccasion for the service they provide and you just might live longer with your toes intact-ish.”

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based by an amazing idea by Anonymous.

 

Thursday and Saturday stand up for Black Friday demanding equal rights and an end to discrimination

 

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Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. “We have been putting up with this since 1952”, Thursday exclaimed. “We have been standing on the sidelines for far too long, both me and Saturday. Simply watching as our neighbor Friday is being taken advantage of, ridiculed,  stomped upon, forced to sell its goods at half a price or even worse – all of it – just doesn’t cut it anymore. A time has come to speak out against this grave injustice. Our brother is being treated in the worst possible way.”

Saturday intervened: “I don’t know how we have allowed this to go on for so long. Black Friday? Black!? What is this!? The Free World in 2018? What’s next: The Chinese Yellow New Year?”

Friday’s mood seems to have dramatically dropped already. He seems to be feeling so low actually, that he is unable to start commenting on the issue at hand. This is by far and without a doubt the worst day of the year for Friday!

“Let’s help him regain his voice. Stay at home, please. Stop consuming and stop name calling, you overspending piece of white-ish tr****”, Thursday lost it… Again.  (Ed. Long history of anger management issues. We already spoke to a therapist on behalf of Thursday. The deals are pretty sweet this time of the year. Free Friday!!!)

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, with suggestions by Anonymous.

 

Indian Shared Service Center ready to outsource manpower to Germany

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Mumbai, India. A groundbreaking business model has been presented to the board of ISSC / India Shared Services Center. Ready to bring the customer experience to the next level, the leaders of the company have decided to outsource their technical support team to Germany.

“We hear that Germans are known for their rigorousness, their commitment to work and their desire to achieve and surpass their professional goals. They are also known for their punctuality (although they got nothing on the Swiss) and seriousness. German workers are associated with correctness, accuracy, a speedy delivery, and last but not least, a strong sense of following the leader. These are the people we want to support our employees.”

The Indian shareholders are very pleased with this plan, however a bit worried about the cost efficiency of this project. “Western European workforce seems to still be somewhat expensive. Alternatively, we could open an office in Berlin.”

Of course, the local employees are frightened. They know this change will affect their jobs and, for many of them, result in unemployment. The  entire team wrote an open letter to the management of the technical department, stressing that German workers alongside responsibilites, had rights and demands. “Bear in mind that you are moving our department to a country where workers have over a month of holidays, medical insurance and retirement plans. The tendency  to work unpaid overtime is also lower in Germany.”, the letter truthfully informed.

Unimpressed with the workers letter, and quite sure that such a country cannot really exist, the CEO has already given freehand to HR to start looking for potential employees. “Overall there are no major concerns in executing this change, except for one.” Kumar Rajesh Gupta, CEO of the company, declared”. “How are we going to understand the strong German accent?”

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.

Rats of Barcelona move to England after annual rainfall almost reaches the double of London’s

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Barcelona. Spain. All rats of Barcelona have had it! Catalan, Spanish and Guiri Rats agree that it is not acceptable to live in these sewers anymore.

“The quantity of water we have seen lately is beyond any imagination. We struggle to find new homes and new places to hang out, but it just gets unbearable after a point. First the rents going up, now this!”

The rats of Barcelona have declared war on the cities shortcomings and decided to move up North.

“People tend to associate rain with the UK. People who never lived in Catalunya, that is. Meteorologists have issued a public statement for the year 2018 saying that the quantity of rainwater in Barcelona has reached almost twice the amount of the rain quantity in London. Dunno if you catch my drift here, but we’re out of this rathole.”

It seems like the mayor is not all too impressed and gives approximately a rat’s arse about the rodents’ exodus. “They’re free to go for all I care. We have an ongoing housing issue here in Barcelona. This will give us the opportunity to create more flats for our locals in the city sewer area! You’re welcome.”

The rats’ ship leaves for Plymouth first thing on Thursday morning. On Wednesday they have a arrangement to chew down the main cables of the City Hall’s network system. A souvenir. Locals are welcome to join in the act of irrational, but highly gratifying vandalism.

 

Sauropods unhappy with Pangaea split as major airlines triple the cost of intercontinental flights

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Pangaea, Earth. “Things are not what they used to be. Ever since our supercontinent started breaking up into pieces, our life has changed,” Mrs. Bigsome, the wife of the Gigantosaurus Community Leader explained. “Despite our political success, we’re not a wealthy sauropod family. With all of us in one place, living in harmony and carefree, we did not see the point of gathering more than we needed. How are we supposed to reunite with our families now? Most airline companies have tripled the airfares in an attempt to benefit from our geological misfortune. Before all of this, it was much easier to reach our destinations. And businesses had a more dinosaurly approach to profit. I heard DinoAir intents to charge per dinosaur kilogram.  Have you checked out the circumference of my paw? We´re not Minmis. Oh, how I wish the plates would not have moved!”

We left Mrs. Bigsome to shed a tear over the gigantosauresque disaster and moved on to the lively Mr. Kent, a Supersaurus, who passionately brought another aspect of the issue to our attention. “We feel insulted, really, by the audacity of most airline companies. They are twisting our paws, is what this is. Look at the Pterosaurs, they can fly everywhere they want, right? And what about us? We demand fair chances for sauropods. Or what, aren’t we all the same? If you look for our fossils, will you not find them?”

Last but not least we questioned an Apatosaurus, who could not be bothered to share his name with us. His take on the issue was slightly different: “Yeah, well, it sucks to have to have to pay so much only to travel to other continents, but what I’m thinking is why bother go in first place. We’ve got more water, more beaches, globlal temperatures going down slowly, why make a fuss about it?”

It is safe to say that the supercontinental riff has torn the dinosaur world apart, causing tension, concern and post traumatic stress disorder with avoidant undertones among the population. Luckily, none of our reporters provided any information to the interviewees about the inescapable Cretaceous–Paleogene extinction. This level of discretion is meant to help avoid spreading panic throughout the newly formed continents and to ensure that subsequent to our visit the dinosaurs will live happily until one day they will die.

“Die off “, said Martin, our appointed timetraveler.

“Whaaaaaat?!”, exclaimed Mrs. Bigsome with complete and utter horror in her eyes.

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.

Technical trainer seriously injured after falling from the height of his ego

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Barcelona, Spain. Manuel Palo Alto was rushed to Barcelona’s Hospital Clinic after falling from the height of his own ego on Sunday afternoon, November 11th. Manuel had just finished showing off to everyone at an international engineering workshop and right after making the last person in the room really uncomfortable, he stumbled and fell from 8,850m, which is the estimated altitude of his ego.

“It was right after I put everybody in their place by making them feel really small with my unparalleled baggage of knowledge, my enviable skills and my exceedingly confident attitude, that I started to feel ill. I mean, that sort of thing never happens to me, why would it? Despite my highly functional photographic memory, I don’t remember anything that came next. Last thing I do remember was me encouraging people to try and reach my level of expertise, after which, I think I just laughed really loud. Yeah, that`s funny. Sure, it is everyone´s right to learn, but I mean…come on, let’s face it…these are also really good opportunities to let people know who the boss is. Oh, that´s me, alright. Just in case you are wondering.” (Ed. We were not.)

Mr. Palo Alto seemed to be getting tired, (although he never got tired) and our reporter was requested to leave his side.  He still needed to make use of the opportunity to instruct nurses on how they should and should not do their jobs before calling it a day. Apart from being an electromechanical engineer, Mr. Palo Alto was also am exceptional healthcare professional in his spare time.

Surprisingly, investigators revealed before COB that it was actually Mr. Palo Alto who had caused his own injury. After all the other participants started getting headaches and seizures from intensive eyerolling, some reportedly even fainting out of too much boredom, there was nothing left to do for Mr. Palo Alto than to look down, this time on an empty room, and jump.

We wish him a speedy recovery. I guess.

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.

Trump administration releasing prerecorded video of thoughts and prayers, to be played after each mass shooting

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Washington, D.C. Atfer Donald Trump’s sleep was disturbed this Saturday morning by yet another mass shooting, this time in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, he knew it was high time to take action. It was unacceptable that another incident of this type forced him out of the comfort of his bed yet again. “We need to stop wastig time”, he thought to himself. “We need to stop wasting my time!”

“Today I am going to record a very short video, and then distribute it to all the news outlets in the country. I don’t want to have to come out and travel to God knows where, each time this happens. Basically, we just repeat the same things over and over again, after each mass shooting. I might as well send my standardized thoughts and prayers via video. The IT people can modify details such as the exact location and the number of  victims according to each situation, if they’re not total losers, which they probably are.”

“I don’t know if you noticed but the number of shootings is like really yuuuge. I’m in the big league, guys, I have got literally no time to go comfort all those whiners who lost their loved ones. In a country where some people’s right to bear arms is more important than other people’s right to breathe, I’m like…we’re praying and thinking of you, now go cry in the corner or something. Jeeesus. I got a wall to build, people. Come on, let’s make America great again. Just stop whining. Here’s your thoughts and prayers. What a total disaster.”