Cristian Borcea surprins făcând ordine în celulă în așteptarea liderilor PSD

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Bucureşti-Rahova. România.  Cristian Borcea a fost surprins în această dimineață făcând ordine în celula sa de la penitenciarul Rahova, conform declarațiilor organelor de supraveghere. Acesta era într-o stare de spirit extraordinar de bună la aflarea veștii că în curând va împărți singurătatea detenției cu elita politică din România.

Contactat prin canale oficiale, Cristian Borcea a declarat că este deosebit de onorat să îi primească pe membrii PSD în cămăruța lui modestă, dar curată.

“Vom putea juca șah, vom împărți punga de semințe și de ce nu, vom putea scrie câteva cărți împreună”, a declarat cu entuziasm Cristian Borcea. “Mai mult decât atât, mulți susținători își așteaptă reprezentanții politici cu brațele deschise dorind să le mulțumească, în special domnului Tudorel Toader, pentru șansa de a fura, lovi, viola și ucide încă o dată înainte de a reveni în sânul închisorilor.”

Această turnură de situație a fost generată de majoritatea voturilor favorabile primite de Laura Codruța Kövesi din partea comisiilor reunite pentru libertăţi civile, justiţie şi afaceri interne (LIBE) şi control bugetar (CONT) ale Parlamentului European în vederea ocupării funcţiei de procuror-şef european. Deși guvernul României a făcut tot posibilul  pentru a sabota candidatura doamnei Kövesi, se pare că de această dată eforturile și munca nu i-au fost răsplătite.

Avem încredere în tine, Codruța! Să înceapă un nou capitol al luptei împotriva incompetenței, nerușinării, corupției și criminalității din politica română.

Update 18:13 Directorii penitenciarelor informează că au început deja procesul de recrutare a profesorilor de limba și literatura română, în scopul de a crea activități educative pentru viitorii oaspeți. Manualele școlare pentru ciclul primar au fost comandate online în decursul după-amiezii.

 

 

Acest material este un pamflet și trebuie tratat ca atare. 

Colour engineer loses job after enjoying too many glasses of isopropyl alcohol

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Barcelona. Spain. Experienced colour engineer, Ruben Morado, was let go from his job Friday morning, February 22, after enjoying a few drinks too many with friends last weekend. In an attempt to comply with company policy, Ruben moved into the office just a couple of months ago as a necessary measure to maximize productivity and rentability for his employer. Ruben was kindly advised to sleep on a mattress under his desk and reduce his nights spent outside the office to 1 per month.

Thus, last Saturday evening, February 16, Ruben invited his best friends over for dinner and a couple of drinks. He had just broken up with this girlfriend a month ago in order to be able to focus more on work and make sure he is always giving 300% percent more than the 200% that are normally expected of someone who has the honour to work for his company. Not before long he realized he was feeling kind of lonely.

It was time for besties, chemical engineers Methodore and his wife Polly-Ethyline, to come to the rescue. The three of them cooked a modest dinner and sat down to eat at the romantic blue light of Ruben’s computer. They had a few glasses of wine, but soon discovered that not much was left for the rest of the evening. Being already a bit tipsy, Ruben suggested checking his local stash which led to the discovery of several liters of isopropyl alcohol, normally used to clean the machines he worked on and annoy annoying co-workers.

His friends seemed very eager to try, despite their better judgement. Of course, the euphoria did not last long, because Ruben still had some unfinished projects to go over. He didn’t even bother to call an ambulance when they all fell sick as his current deadlines did not allow time wasted at the emergency room. Methodore and Polly hailed a cab with whatever energy they had left and rushed home to sleep it off, while Ruben just continued his existence in front of the computer. He may have had a couple of glasses more, later confessing that “the label on the bottle said IPA” and that “at that point he perceived whatever it was that he wanted to perceive”.

After a short while, Ruben was knocked out by his drink of choice, only to wake up the next day and find that his vision was affected.  He could not see colours as bright anymore and everything was a blur. It was only a matter of days until Ruben went completely blind becoming a liability for his employer. Being of no use to his company, Ruben was sent home today. They let him take his beloved spectrophotometer with him (it was an old one anyway) and invited him to indulge in another bottle of isopropyl alcohol to the amusement of most of his colleagues, which Ruben for the time being declined. “Good riddance” said a card signed by none.

Maybe this weekend Methodore will stop by Ruben’s place. Until then Ruben will try to adjust to life at home again, although he is really not sure what he can do in a world where the sound of the spectrophotometer is not always in the background. Maybe at some point he will aks Methodore for help in finding a way for the blind to be able to work with colour again.

Bewildering Gardenia left to fend for itself in a room full of succulents

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Barcelona. Spain. Blessed are the successful keepers of Gardenias, for theirs are the keys to the garden. I mean, come on. These plants are impossible. Yes, maybe they need more water than whatever is left in your glass every other week or dunno, maybe they are chatty plants who need entertainment or maybe, just maybe, they really only want to mess with your head. Be that as it may, their needs are beyond any normal human’s ability to meet them: select a site with full sun to light shade, make sure the soil is moist and well-drained, damp but not soggy, add organic-matter (what is that!?), etc. Most people have stuff to do that leaves little to no time to keep the Gardenias’ soil moist and its ph acidic.

On the other hand, look at succulents! There is no better houseplant in the world. None. Zero. Do they cry for water every two minutes? Do they need to talk about invisble parasites taking a nap on one of their leaves? Do they reproach you silently for not being able to stop the changing of the seasons? You may have guessed it: No. They plug away at their existence with quiet dignity, impressive autonomy, never whining, never batting an eye. What beautiful, self-controlled creatures! The very Marcus Aurelius of the vegetal kingdom.

Let’s hope Gardenias will slowly catch up. You tropical nightmares, you delicate terrorists, you prima donnas of sunny, but not too sunny living rooms – you get a grip! And by the way, please stop selling these at Ikea. I mean, doesn’t the fact that you buy them there, mean they will live long and prosper in your home? Yeah, just stick with the mugs.

The USA comes to Venezuela’s aid in an attempt to save petroleum from exploitation

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Washington D.C. United Stated of America. One night before going to sleep Donald Trump noticed the coffee coaster on his night stand had changed. It was a strangely shaped thing with a pretty hard cover. Upon googling it, Mr. Trump found out this was a book. And not just any book, but Bertrand Russell’s “Proposed Roads to Freedom”. Funny, last time he had checked this Russell guy was a comedian.

He started reading and thought about the injustice in the world, about exploitation, hunger and how society could improve. Despite the socialist ideoloical stain, he felt this guy was on to something. Suddenly, as if lightning had struck him on a stormy night, Mr. Trump remembered he was the president of the United States and he could actually provoke change. He grabbed his phone and started tweeting “Exploitation no more! USA in defense of global oil. Starting AYSAP”.

Mr. Trump thought about areas of the world where petroleum had not been freed by the brave yet and Venezuela immediately came to mind. A country where oil is going through a serious and severe humanitarian crisis. The lack of means has impacted petroleum’s quality of life leaving it to fend for itself in a deeply violent and corrupt society. The situation escalated to such an extent that Mr. Trump felt morally compelled to intervene in order to re-establish peace among oil rigs, better extraction methods, and improved storage conditions.

Mr. Trump released a statement saying that with oil being the world’s primary fuel we must treat it right and provide everything it needs in order to thrive.

Venezuela’s President Nicolás Maduro is expectedly less than thrilled about the North American helping hand.  However, the situation has been critical for more or less 10 years now. Citizens of Venezuela have been facing for over a decade a deepening political crisis, deadly violence, a scarcity of means, including a very poor health infrastructure with the situation constantly worsening. Mr. Trump hopes that imposing sanctions on  the state-owned PDVSA  will free oil from constant exploitation so that one day someone will have time to worry about the country’s population as well.

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.

Studies find placing favourite candy at arm’s length is likely to sabotage diet plans

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Barcelona. Spain. We have come again to the end of January – the time of the year when one can still remember the weight loss resolutions made at the end of December, but not fondly enough in order to escape the bargaining stage of any weigh loss journey.  It takes generally between three to four weeks of deprivation until your inner watchman is ready to give in. A little.

“After one month of saying no to everything that gives life meaning, it is natural to start thinking about the good times one had with a jar of Nutella, a bag of Haribo, marshmellows or plain old chocolate. People start feeling entitled to grab a “small bite” for all those times when they refrained from culinary excesses.”, British Nutrition Explorer, Ph.D. James Cook asserts. “Thus one enters the bargaining stage of the dieting plan when people basically negotiate their food intake with their superego. This is generally bad news. Our studies show that obsessive thoughts start attacking the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex where self control is managed. Phrases such as “just one small piece”, “but it looks so good” or “come on, now,  it’s Sunday” begin to furrow deep into the the hippocampus, caudate and insula. However, the consequences we have discovered are always the same. Loosening rules leads to absolute chaos.”, James Cook continued.

Studies show that trying to change your diet opens the door to a whole new arsenal of self sabotaging tools. Especially keeping your favorite candy at arm’s length has been proven to increase the probability of weight gain by 99,99%, whereas keeping it in your pantry only represents 63% of increased risk. The psychological effects of giving in are also considerable. “The post sugar rush guilt is detrimental to mental health and your general motivation.”, psychologist Eduard Mindful explains.

Scientists advise it is better to keep your food stored at the supermarket. They have enough room, correct temperatures, and additionally you need an increased willpower to go get the goodies. The lengthy process of getting dressed, leaving the house and walk  a few hundred meters for something you have to pay for is enough to disarm 75% of dieters. “Studies also show that you can’t eat what is not there.”, James Cook informs.

In conclusion the most important aspect to understand is that the line between eating only two gummy bears and eating the whole pack (because actually one ate 80% of it anyway so it’s all the same, what the heck)  is a very thin one. Don’t take that chance. It’s not worth it. Stay away from the enemy that hides behind the mask of a perfectly soft, delicious, golden gummy bear.

 

 

 

 

Spanish automobile giant to release new model SEAT CUIDADO

 

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Martorell. Catalonia. Spain. After releasing the market classics SEAT Ibiza, Arona and Tarraco, the Spanish automobile giant is planning a new stunning model for customers who value safety above everything else. The automobile will be revealed to the public this Tuesday, January 29, and is expected to cause a frenzy most of all among wives, mothers and girlfriends with a tendency to stress over their loved one’s well-being. The new SEAT CUIDADO is designed for increased safety, limited speed capacity and an intelligent adaptive system that warns about potential threats, especially those generated by other drivers.

Additionally, the new SEAT CUIDADO has an inbuilt device that gently slaps your hand when trying to grab your mobile, an anti-wifi router that disables any connectivity while driving and brakes that auto-activate whenever the colour sensor spots a yellow or red traffic light.

“You are basically unable to text while you drive, speed irrationally or break most of the traffic rules”, Atención Chauffeur, CEO of the Spanish automobile giant informs.

“This seems pretty boring, Atención”, what does this model bring to the table to compensate for all the fun stuff you can’t do while driving?”

“It preserves your life, to begin with, so you can have some real fun later, after you get from A to B with all your limbs in place. Apart from that, it also has an inbuilt software that allows interactive swearing. This groundbreaking technology supports your attempts at creating new swearwords. It even interacts with you while doing so, as it offers suggestions and rates your linguistic versatility with zero moral judgement, coño.”

“This car is also extremely dog-friendly and has an extra comfortable back seat with a dog adapted safety belt. Makes your dog look cute and super educated. You love it. They love it. It’s a win-win situation. We have tried to adjust the car in order to make it cat-friendly, but they just pee all over it and try to make sure it knows who the boss is. It’s a car! But then again, communication with cats is generally limited. And we don’t negociate with terrorists on general principle.”

The new SEAT CUIDADO will be revealed this morning after specialists have assured the public with rave reviews that it is the safest, nicest and best car you can possibly purchase.

Have fun!

Written by Ana-Maria Taut for Anonymous.

Crime rates in Barcelona rise dramatically after batmobile is towed for double parking

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Barcelona. Spain.  After having had enough of the rainy, cold weather of Gotham City, and looking to eat a more varied diet, convinced that there is life on the other side of a burger, Batman and Robin decided to move to Spain and enjoy its beauty, mild climate, and impressive culinary diversity.

“We chose Barcelona, the pickpocket capital of the world, to carry out our work. It’s a city that undoubtedly needs our attention. We never run out of stuff to do and people to save, and then we get to celebrate our success with small trips to Costa Brava or a swim in the sea (not Barceloneta – yes, we’ve been briefed)”, Batman declared for our newspaper this past weekend.

Things have been going great with the energic duo in town: less burglaries, less cars broken into, and an overall improved sense of security.  Until one ominous day.

“Robin and I were in a very big hurry to help a mother and her child out of a burning building. We got there in no time in our batmobile and double parked in a narrow street in the Gothic district. Yes, we know we were not supposed to, but come on, it was the child’s life or a parking ticket. We made the choice any superhero would make.”, Batman stated, defending their actions. Admittedly, their argument is a pretty strong one. Except from the local authorities’ point of view.

“When we came back,” Robin continued, “there was no batmobile. The officers had towed it or at least that’s what a ticket placed on the ground said. (A propòsit, my Catalan has improved a lot since we got here.) Soon after we understood that we were left in the middle of the city without a vehicle, we tried to contact the police and inform them of the exceptional situation. However, it was 12pm when we got there and the offices were already closed. We were lucky enough that Spiderman was in town for the weekend, so we called him up and he gave us a spiderweb ride back to our airbnb rental where we got a chance to catch up. We were’nt able to find a normal flat to rent yet, so we’ve been staying with airbnb for 6 months now. It will be hard to move every two weeks without a car, though.”

When asked about his other partner in crime, Batman responded: “No clue whatsoever what Catwoman was doing this weekend. I’m on the wrong end of our love-hate relationship again. It’s just so sad with us sometimes. Sorry, don’t want to burden you with my woes. And no, I did not slap Robin for double parking and getting us in trouble. It’s me, not a meme!”

Batman and his sidekick are expected to get back to saving our city sometime next month when they will be able to find someone at the police station to talk to in order to recover their batmobile. Until then, they will rely heavily on Uber and T10 for public transport. Please watch your pockets until further notice.

 

Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an amazing idea by Anonymous.