Barcelona, Spain. Late Saturday night Mariana Guzman, 43, called the emergency number reporting symptoms of nausea, dizziness and severe abdominal cramps. “I was at home, sipping on a cup of sage tea when it all started. I was in my kitchen reading some really interesting Q&As on Quora and I might have gotten sucked in a little, because in the middle of an article about how to improve my life starting with he little things, I felt a pang in my chest and my heart started beating really fast. Then I started to break an inexplicable sweat and to feel rather dizzy. I was short of breath and started to panic. That’s when I called the emergency services.”
After stabilizing the patient and running several tests, the medical staff is baffled. “We have never seen anything like this before. It´s nothing short of a medical mistery. Ms. Guzman displayed symptoms of an overdose without consuming any prohibited substance. When we scanned her brain, we could see clear signs of excessive wisdom in her limbic system as well as in her prefrontal cortex. She then told us that she had been spending a lot of time on forums such as Quora, learning about things ranging from the meaning of life to why nitrogen was called nitrogen.”
Ms. Guzman did admit to a certain level of addiction to soft-spoken, warm advice from strangers. “It´s hard not to get hooked on a platform where genuine kindness, openness and yes, wisdom, are so abundant. Yes, there is no garden without its weeds, but the weed to roses ratio is surprisingly low over here. The people who write are so knowledgeable and polite. It´s like a preview of what it all could be like if everybody was nice to each other. Plus the jokes. ”
Ms. Guzman is going to be released from the hospital on Wednesday with a recommendation for moderation and increased water intake.
Surely there is plenty of advice on how to achieve that on her beloved forum.
Barcelona, Spain. Admittedly, it is hard to put a face on the pickpocket community of any city, let alone on a robbery hub the size of Barcelona. Hard, but not impossible, as the quixotic local policeforce would describe it.
Indeed the times are changing and our once elusive brothers and sisters are coming out of the shadows to stand up for what is rightfully theirs. Manuel La Dron, an experienced wallet snatcher whose work is focused on the Metro Lines 2 and 3, elaborates: “Ever since I was little I started learning the craft. It´s the livelihood of generations and a big part of our identity. Ever since the public transport strikes started, we see our income dimish considerably and feel that it is becoming a real threat for our families and our overall wellbeing.”
Manuel also explains that the metros, buses and trams are so crowded that there is simply no space to move between the passengers. “You want to get close, but not too close. There is a certain distance to be calculated, one which requires a special skill. You don´t want to end up making someone feel uncomfortable. What the strikers don´t seem to understand is that we, also, have a work ethic to live up to and demand humane work conditions.”
With this conflict on the rise it is hard to tell what is next in line for the city of Barcelona who has been hit by acute political and socio-economical tension over the past year. The mayor tries to calm the waters and strike a deal with the public transport workers´ so that everything can go back to normal. “We expect the pickpokets´ situation to stabilize accordingly”, she declared in a press conference on Wednesday morning.
The robbers of Barcelona are expected to march through the city center on Saturday, April 21., as a sign of protest against reduced income, increased rates of sexual harressment charges and an overall dissatisfaction with the status quo.
Reports to follow.
Stockholm, Sweden. The Nobel Prize in Literature 2017 has been awarded on Thursday, October 5th, to English writer of Japanese descent Kazuo Ishiguro “who, in novels of great emotional force, has uncovered the abyss beneath our illusory sense of connection with the world”.
There is no obvious trace of a political influence on this decision, causing the literary community to rejoice and breathe easy. ‘It’s been rough in the past with Müller, Kertész and Alexievich winning. Not to mention the Bob Dylan controversy of last year’, Mr. Knowles, a purist defender of aesthetic value comments on the situation.
‘It seems like some things have returned to normal. In a largely divided Europe, with growing tension among countries all over the world, at least this aspect of our society has gotten back in check. It’s good for the people’, public opinion researcher, Ms. Roll, shares her findings with our reporter with a visible air of relief.
Contacted by our team the spokesperson for the Nobel committee declared: ‘We’re just tired of scandal and accusations to be honest. The choice is either too political, too unconventional or a woman. This year we’ll just lay low and pick someone whose books were made into movies.’
Only God knows what Philip Roth must be feeling right now.
Barcelona, Spain. Following police brutality throughout the Catalan region on the 2nd of October, day of the Catalan Referendum for Independence, the people of Barcelona made a remarkable discovery that no one would have expected. It seems like 4 km of sandy beaches are outlining the Eastern part of the metropolis.
“We have no explanation whatsoever for having missed such an important part of our city. People were just walking towards the polling stations in the Barrio of Barceloneta when they simply bumped into this enormously beautiful body of water. We suspect it to be the Mediterranean”, mayor Ada Colau declared in a press conference.
Scientists believe the sea to be several millions of years old: ‘It’s so strange nobody noticed it before. It seems to have been around for quite some time. We always thought the heat was a bit too humid for a landlocked city, but with no clear proof we couldn’t just put a finger on it’, local meteorologist informs.
Upon catching wind of the city’s beautiful beaches both Catalans and riot police dropped their political agenda and stormed to the metro and bus stations in order to experience this unprecedented view. Firefighters and local police dedicated the rest of their day to preparing Mojitos for the peaceful population. ‘It’s incredible how the beauty of nature can tame passions and bring conflicts to an end. Add a splash of rum and I promise you that’s as close to heaven as you need to get, Jordi, an exhausted, but enthusiastic Catalan firefighter declared for our reporter while mixing drinks.
‘At the end of the day, we need so little to be happy, love and respect each other as human beings’, PM Mariano Rajoy concluded, promising to stop allowing police to beat grandmas and shoot rubber bullets at civilians.
There is a folder on every company’s SharePoint containing nothing but helpful documentation meant to make your professional life easier. An inquiry into the SharePoint structure of 10 different international IT companies revealed that each and every one of them had an active ‘Useful info’ folder on a shared drive for all of their employees to access.
‘Unlike dozens of other folders that hold nothing but irrelevant information incapable to serve a single soul, this folder has gathered throughout the years that which we might easily refer to as the company’s core values, its distilled wisdom if you want’, Mark Savage CEO of Pointless declares.
Moreover, an employee survey pointed out the fact that the folder is by far the most popular one among forgetful employees who choose to save their passwords and other private information in order to be able to access it from anywhere across the network.
‘We see a bright future for this type of folder. It won’t be long before employees will realize it can serve as a romance starting point as well. Think Tinder with the security of a VPN connection. Many of them are already slipping their phone number and a cute picture in there. They know it can go a long way’, Chris Grey system, administrator of Shady, concludes.
With 9 out of 10 professionals accessing it regularly it is safe to say the folder generates more traffic than ‘Fire and Safety Training’ or ‘Deadlines’.
British scientists have officially confirmed that which every sensible human was already aware of. Following a study spanning over two decades, it has been firmly established that repeatedly pressing the button on public transportation before the vehicle has even made it into station, increases the arrival speed by 72%. On average, extra nervousness and impatience make up for another 15 %. You’ll get wherever you want to be simply by continuously pushing.
‘Remember it is important to start pressing the buttons before the lights go on. Thus the system will understand your desire to speed up the process and hurry you to your destination. It may or may not be the next station’, British researcher Ph.D. Tardy informs our reporter.
‘It’s a small trick we all seem to have had in our blood long before fancy scientists (recently divorced from the European canon, no less) confirmed its efficiency’, daily commuter Ms. Waits, commented on a post by The Morning Sunset this afternoon.
When asked about the methods used to arrive to the aforementioned conclusion, British scientists advised the media that it was mainly common sense, an educated guess, and a fair amount of stout. ‘Hey, nobody really pushed our buttons for expedition, so we just enjoyed the ride. Cheers!’
Paul D. is desperate. The extremely hot weather has really gotten to him, so in an attempt to end his ordeal, he tried to copy his friend’s Luke C’s recipe: he tried to catch a cold. „My friend Luke caught a cold, I really don`t know how he did it, he won`t tell. But the lucky bastard doesn’t mind the red code heat alerts because he has something like a fever condition, and from time to time he is shivering with cold. He even refuses to take medication because he doesn’t want to feel the devastating effects of the Saharan weather that has hit us”, says Paul. In the attempt of trying to catch that cold, he has applied multiple plans. „I drank form the same beer bottle as Luke. Nothing. I didn’t insist with the fluid exchange because, you know… So, I ran for about 2 kilometres and immediately got under an air conditioning machine in a store. No cold, just extreme back pain. I tried eating rapidly lots of ice cream. Nothing, just a little bit more belly fat . I tried cold showers. Nothing apart from a temporary lack of libido. Just temporary, I assure you”, explains the unfortunate Paul. He wanted to add that during this time he wished to have never met his wife, Roxanne, because she can’t stand the air conditioning, thus he has to withstand 40 degrees C with the endurance of a Stoic. Ugh.
On the other hand, Luke is feeling „fine and special. I like being cold in this hot weather. Now I can say that I feel great! Okay, I may be a little dizzy, but I really don`t mind. I practically don’t know how I got this cold, but I´m trying hard to nail the perfect contributors down. Have I told you that I feel special? A neighbour just told be that only real men catch a cold in summer. I feel proud of myself!”– explained Luke.
So, if you want to chill during this awfully hot atmosphere and you don`t have your own air conditioning machine, be like Luke and catch a cold. After all, you are a responsible citizen and you can’t spend your days and nights drinking beer somewhere outside, in a nice outdoor pub that has some tables put under a nice, thick shade.
Written by Lucian Cozma, edited by Ana-Maria Taut.