Zürich. Switzerland. In an attempt to survive the unbearable heatwave that turned Europe into a red hot chili pepper, area woman Bethli Huber decided to move temporarily to the family kitchen. After a couple of hours spent in the sink cooling down under the running water, Bethli decided to take a nap in the fridge.
“I just can’t take it anymore. We closed our blinds, we pulled the curtains and it still felt like the Kalahari. That’s when I knew I belonged in the upper shelf of our refrigerator. Right by the cheeses. Additionally, I might try the salad drawer right under the wine dispenser.”
Bethli recommends that others try this simple and cost-effective temperature management technique. “Of course it’s not the most comfortable place to be, but it is a great environment to chill and reflect on all the times plastic landed in the wrong place (also) because of you. Luckily, the chocolate is nearby, ready to provide a quick endorphin boost to balance the (much needed) self-critical moment.“
Asked when she plans to return to her bedroom, Bethli informed us that most probably sometime in the beginning of October, when temperatures will finally go down from 45 degrees Celsius to at least 38. Yaaaay!
Bern. Switzerland. Mr. Benjamin Wuf, Head of the Federal Department of Ridiculously Cute Canines, announced in a short press conference on Wednesday morning, June 26, a tightening of the inter-cantonal export regulations for Bernese Mountain Dogs.
“After careful consideration (and a quick referendum) we have come to the conclusion that Bernese Mountain Dogs should participate in a language or dialect class before being relocated to cantons outside of Bern. This helps improve dogs’ social lives, their ability to grow and develop within the dog and human community and why not, successfully participate in the Swiss Countdown Word Game.”, Mr. Wuf elaborated.
“It is only fair that these good-natured, sweet and loving creatures maintain their innate self-confidence by being given the ability to express themselves properly. You don’t want to put such majestic beings in a position where they are not able to understand their human companion, take commands or, depending on the circumstances, give commands themselves. It is uncomfortable enough that we humans are having a hard time understanding all the dialects of the language we conventionally refer to as German.”, Ella Caynain Ph.D. in Dog Psychology explains.
Four pups have already been enrolled in Züritüütsch classes where they will study the Zürich dialect for 2 months before being allowed to move to their new human companions across Bernese borders.
The unpronounceable Bernese greeting “Grüessech” is slowly starting to morph into the lighter Zürich version of “Grüzi” for Samson, Rex, Leika and Ramona. Next week the four pawed Smartipants are scheduled to analyze works by Gottfried Keller and Jeremias Gotthelf, classes over which they already expressed a great deal of woof-woof-xcitement.
Uster. Switzerland. A severe storm was expected to hit the Eastern Swiss town of Uster yesterday, June 20, at 18:00 (#). Little did this common weather phenomenon know that you do not come and go as you please when one or more Swiss individuals are waiting for you.
At 18:02 locals started calling the emergency hotline in order to report that despite the strong, promising winds, not a drop of rain had fallen. A wave of shock quickly spread throughout the population, dispelled only by the authorities’ prompt intervention and reassurance that action will be taken.
“We contacted the local weather station and are waiting for detailed reports on this unfortunate situation. Additionally, we have fined the unpunctual, rebellious rain that failed to produce excitement this afternoon a total of 302,495 Fr. You don’t get to disrupt people’s activities without any good reason and get away with it. Let’s see if the storm will like playing hard to get next time. Camélie Nimbus, Head of the Department for Meteorological Offences stated.
“Moreover, as of now, storms are obliged to partake in monthly instructional classes at any Swiss train station in order to become more familiarized with the concept of punctuality. Have you ever taken a train in Switzerland? I strongly recommend you do.”, Ms. Nimbus continued with suspicion in her eyes.
Apparently the storm caught wind of the unpleasant situation and decided to cross the border into Germany, where punctuality crimes are a bit less expensive than in Switzerland.
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.
Zürich. Switzerland. It is widely known that the quality of life in Switzerland, and particularly in Zürich, is among the highest in the world. According to the Mercer Quality of Living Survey, Zürich is the world’s second best place to live in, topped only by Barcelona, Spain. However a sit down with the mayor of the largest city in the Swiss Confederation has revealed that while things may be working out pretty amazingly on this side of the globe, there are still everyday issues that erode the social and individual structure.
“Don’t be fooled by the wonderful lakes, the picturesque landscapes, the imposing mountains and the crystal clear rivers. We have our problems, albeit different than those of other countries or people.”, Corine Mauch, mayor of Zürich since 2009, explains. “Upon constant demand from citizen (and a quick referendum!) we decided to found the First World Problems Support Society – a safe haven for those whose life is slowly ruined by too much fizz in their sparkling water – or not enough.”
“I have been living here for a few years now and I am still picking up the pieces from the initial shock. I remember it as if it were yesterday, the moment I realized that quiet time is taken pretty seriously. No showers after 22:00? No vacuum cleaning on Sunday? It takes a while to adapt.”, Mr. O. C. Dean, a Corporate Banker living the neighborhood of Fluntern, informs.
“To be honest, for me going out of the house remains a challenge. The car drivers stop the moment they see you attempting to cross the street, even if you are still 5 to 10 meters away from the zebra. I believe Swiss drivers have an incorporated sensor that reads your intention to cross as early as you set foot on the sidewalk. The pressure we pedestrians have to deal with in order to get to the other side of the street is mind-wracking. You just don’t want to scorn the ultra-polite drivers by taking your time. I get anxiety attacks just by seeing cars slow down. So, yes, I wholeheartedly salute this much needed support group. God knows it is a breath of fresh air to many of us. No offense, lovely Alps.”, Theodore Walker, a British expat reports.
Did you notice that shopping on Amazon is predominantly impossible? Are you upset that supermarkets close too early? Are you living more than 20 km away from a river or a lake? We are here if you need to talk!
The first meeting of the First World Problems Support Society Zürich is scheduled for Friday, June 21, at 20:00 at the Zürich Development Center, Keltenstrasse 48. There will be a free buffet and a fun Politeness Competition for all you well-behaved citizens out there! Willkommen!
Europa. Cetățenii români stabiliți în afara țării au început deja să stea la coadă pentru a-și putea exercita dreptul la vot în cadrul scrutinului toamnă-iarnă. Întrebați dacă nu li se pare puțin exagerat să își ocupe locul în șirul de oameni încă de pe acum, cu aproximativ 6 luni inainte de startul votului, majoritatea celor adunați în fața consulatelor și ambasadelor au răspuns negativ.
“Este dreptul nostru constituțional si de aici nu ne mișcăm.”, a declarat Maria Popescu, aplicandu-si crema protectoare SPF 50+ impotriva soarelui puternic din Barcelona. “Vine vara, luna august…va fi greu, dar vom rezita. De la soare se mai inmoaie asfaltul, dormim si noi mai bine. Ne descurcam.”
“Eu eram de neclintit acum 3 ani. Imi placea mult rolul de comandant sef al telecomenzii cu veleitati de filozof cinic. Eram super incantat de propria-mi autosuficienta. Nici cuie nu mai bagam, ca eram high tot timpul. De la atitundine. Dupa trei ani de PSD m-am lecuit. Pe vecie.”, Claudiu Marcu, un bucatar din Paris se confeseaza.
“Noi avem copii mici si nu suntem prea incantati sa se joace aici printre gazele de esapament, dar poate candva vor putea merge la o scoala normala in Romania. Ne dorim sa ne intoarcem, sa putem trai o viata implinita alaturi de familie si de prieteni la noi in tara. Nu sa ne vedem o data pe an pe fuga. Asa ca ramanem aici. Sa invete si ei ca nu totul se obtine pocnind din degete si ca nu trebuie sa renuntam cu una, cu doua. Teoria o lasam altora.”, declara Elena Diaconu, o profesoară de geografie din Birmingham.
Autoritatile locale au inteles nevoia cetatenilor romani de a-si apara dreptul la vot si au inceput sa aduca pături, saci de dormit, tuica si apa (in aceasta ordine) in taberele improvizate pe trotuare.
Din dorinta de a intampina bunavointa autoritatilor europene, in Romania se fac demersuri pentru sprijinul financiar al acestor oameni. Se prevede un fond de stat constituit din prejudiciile recuperate de la politicienii corupti aflati in inchisori si in drum spre ele. In baza acestui fond se vor putea asigura camparea gratuita, hrana corespunzătoare și alte necesitati ale cetățenilor până in ziua alegerilor.
Ne vedem la toamnă.
Articol scris de Ana-Maria Taut. Imbunatatit de Florin Taut.
Montgomery. Alabama. Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey has signed an abortion ban into law just last Wednesday, 15 May. According to the new bill women are obliged to carry to term pregnancies that may have been the result of rape, incest and other forms of abuse, should these pregnancies be viable. Not only women with unwanted pregnancies have been targeted, but the doctors who are willing to end such pregnancies are expected to serve a life sentence.
Gov. Kay Ivey explains that among the main motivators for passing this ban is the growing concern over the decreasing number of child brides in the state, but also a lack of highschool students who could participate in future school shootings. “These dynamics have brought upon us a lot of sleepless nights. We must step in and take matters into our own hands before it is too late and there are no more unwanted children born to financially, emotionally and physically overwhelmed parents! It is important to remember that after passing the anti-abortion law, we are also working on bettering our support systems for future parents. To begin with we ensure 12 months of paid parental leave and offer free psychological counseling for abuse victims. It’s not like we’re hypocrites. We really have to make this work! Do we want our guns to go unfired? Do we want our nation to be taken over by Muslims?! Africans?! Mexicans?! Breed, People! For Chrissake…”, Gov. Ivey concluded by rolling her eyes at the lack of social and political engagement of the average American.
Additionally, it has been reported that social workers are creating the required infrastructure and already employing the necessary resources for at least two conferences: “Rape is dope” and “Your life, my choices – A matter of perspective” are set to take place in Montgomery early next month. “We hope to offer more clarity to those who for mysterious reasons still think they have a say in their private matters. Of course, it is well known that banning abortions only means women will go to greater lenghts to get them, endangering their health and ability to have children later on. Their lives also matters, just … less.”, Gov. Ivey informs. “[Insert senseless rambling containing keywords: State, Great, Again, Life, God, Human Life Protection, Blessed, Low IQ.”
Hollywood. L.A. California. It is undeniable that certain ghosts and paranormal forces have a thing for loud noises. In an attempt to understand their passion for causing commotion, a group of scientists started to study the phenomenon. “It is a well known fact that the undead want our attention”, Poltergeist Expert Dr. Elias Spektor declares. “Last time I sat down with a possessed spirit from the Other Side, it told me its main motivation for interacting with the living was to kill time (no pun intened).”
While some poltergeister like to draw attention by hurting the living with sharp objects or alternatively dedicate themselves to breaking framed family photos (especially those resting on mantlepieces), some more refined and more experienced haunted souls, prefer to build up momentum before going in for the eventual kill. “These are our rockstars, these are the ghosts who make it big. It’s simple really, they are willing and able to put on a show and a scary one at that! Hollywood directors and producers more often than not recruit the next house-haunter, kid-snatcher, vindicive-undead-spirit from among these confident alpha shadowy presences.”, Mr. Spektor clarifies. “Moreover, while carrying out our investigation and studying various such spirits, it was scientifically proven that 99,99% of the undead population displayed an irresistible attraction towards kitchenware. Pans, pots, plates – you name it!”
“It is especially effective when the living are sleeping or feel safe in the comfort of their home while watching a movie, taking a bath (although for bathing humans we engage special powers). Personally I just love to smash pans against each other and throw cutlery around! It’s so much fun and it works everytime. They get scared s**tless.”, a fork-loving spirit of the underwolrd, who prefers to maintain anonymity, declared for The Morning Sunset in the dead of night.
“Whatever you do, go out with a bang, not a whimper!”, says Casper, a friendly ghost still struggling to boost his evil spirit reputation. “Look, I bent a knife! Yaaaaay!”