Planet Earth. After identifying an increased enthusiasm among the population for spreading New Year wishes way past its socially accepted date, the Ministry for Common Sense Affairs issued a statement on Thursday, January 18, informing that everyone is welcome to keep wishing a happy new year, love, luck, happiness to their friends, family and foes up until March 1.
“Eyerolling and frowning is discouraged upon receiving the good wishes 15, 25, or even 55 days after New Year’s Eve”, Ford Liff-Clover, spokesperson for the Ministry of Good Luck Wishes recommends. “Just nod, smile and say thank you”, he continued. “Be nice.”
Out with the old, in with the new(ish): may you be happy the whole year through(ish).
Happy New Year!
Pyongyang. North Korea. Despite a pain- and shameful loss against Quatar on January 13th, North Korea’s national team is still standing tall in the race for the Asian Cup.
The unique team in football history who can only lose once, North Korea, is presented with one logical option on January 17th in their match against Lebanon: to win. The extraordinary success of the North Korean team is a direct consequence of the unsurpassed ambition of their Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-Un.
The North Korean Leader’s support is so all-encompassing in fact, that Kim has sworn to deport all the team members who lose a match to hard labor camps where they will be taught “real football”, among other activities. This has proved to work as a wonderful motivational tool which makes players push their limits on the field. Should the team lose, all the members will be deported, then replaced, making it impossible for the same composition to lose twice.
The North Korean football team is without a doubt the most successful in the world, due to this ingenious rotation. They are coached, trained and cheered on by the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un, the best, most handsome and most supreme, supreme leader who has ever walked the Earth – the Renaissance man, the athletic wonder, the reason why the Elative was introduced into the Korean language, to express that to which nothing bears comparison.
Okay maybe Trump, a little.
Altaussee, Austria. A worrying number of Austrian snowmen have called in sick Monday morning after heavy snows fell over the Alps. The snowmen could not report to work because of respiratory diseases resulting in an increased need for rest and snowmen adapted beverage intake.
The authorities have started to give out extra thick scarves and hats for the suffering snowmen, while doctors investigate a strange symptom of their affliction. The snowmen are reportedly feeling a strange carrot smell that is causing them great discomfort.
“We still don’t know what is going on at the moment”, Snowmen Specialist PhD. Benjamin Cole Nose explains. “We are investigating and trying to find a remedy before spring comes and wipes out the snowmen colony here in the Austrian alps. Of course, we are in contact with our German and Swiss counterparts, who speak of the same symptoms in their areas. With Snowmen lives so short and fragile we need to make sure we find a cure fast. Until then, please refrain from cooking, baking or otherwise preparing foods that contain carrots as the Snowmen are really grossed out by it.
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.
Barcelona. Spain. Following an extreme number of citizens falling ill in winter, because of the low tepmerature, the high humidity and the, sometimes, extremely chilly winds that are typical for this Mediterranean city, local entrepreneur Fernan Dol, has decided to make a new service available to the flu- and fever-ridden population.
“Your health took a hit, why should your social life? We want to provide an environment where people are welcome to display their symptoms confidently. You can cough, sneeze and complain as your heart desires, while enjoying our homemade remedies, special teas and delicious cups of Frenadol, Coldrex, Neocitran. Strong liquors are also available under the counter for Eastern Europeans and other brave peoples. The average room temperature will be 26°C so that you don’t have to shiver all the time, additionally you can bring your own blanket to sweat out the cold.”
“I am looking forward to the special Vitamin cocktails! They say the menu is going to be fantastic!”, area sick person Jordi Friolero gushes about the new bar.
“¡Ostia, qué frío!, the first bar for the sick in the Catalan region will open its doors on February 1st. Come in, have a drink and let your germs mingle!”
Barcelona. Spain. “We are frightened and don’t know how exactly to deal with this over the next three days”, area woman Alba Abella declares. This is how long the cold wave is estimated to last in the beautiful Spanish region of Catalonia.
With temperatures dropping from an average of 18 °C to a bitter 15°C, and the unimaginable 11°C on Friday, January 11th, the population is slowly starting to panic.
“We have considered barricading ourselves in our homes and drinking lots of imported strong liquor”, Josep Maspoch, a liquor salesman suggests.
“It is unusual for people here to suffer such low temperatures. It comes as a shock and we, the authorities, are working on a project allowing people to stay at home and discontinue work whenever the temperatures go below 15 degrees Celsius. The people’s safety and wellbeing is of utmost importance to us.”, Ada Colau, mayor of Barcelona informs. “Of course, same goes for children. School is out during the “small ice age” – as we like to refer to it.”
Order and normalcy is expected to be established in Catalonia on Saturday, January 12, when people will be able to go on enjoying the end of season sales. They are advised to limit leaving the house until then and to make sure they stash up on food cans and potable water. As well as enough jamón, tomatoes and olive oil, which goes without saying.”
“We recommend citizens pick up free Vitamin D supplements at their local drugstores, to help with the bleak days of diminished sunshine and lower tempetures.”, mayor Ada Colau advises. “Also, special services are being held in churches all over the city and in Montserrat requesting the speedy return of good weather .”
Good luck to everyone! May the sun shine through!
Los Angeles, California. Maynard James Keenan has tweeted a statement on Friday, January 4th, informing the world of the following:
“@mjkeenen: Update- Final vocals tracked MONTHS ago. Then U.S.-UK-Euro run w
#APC. If Tool all inst are tracked, long process of Mixing now. Meanwhile write/film/track w @puscifer for #puscifer2020 & troll the band FBs with wine posts. #funnyshit #whileyouwerewhiningiwasworking“
Die-hard Tool fans, however, kind of know what this means. 13 years have passed since the last Tool album, 10,000 days, was released in 2006. “This leaves us with about 3 million more years of waiting”, Ænima Johnson declares. “I mean, look at me, I’m all grown up and my parents are in despair, convinced they will never see the day this album drops!”
Contacted for more information on his statement Keenan reported that “the long process of Mixing” is likely to last up until the Second Coming. “We don’t want to take the spotlight from Jesus’ (second) moment of glory, but we’re trying to put a baby into the world. It’s hard work. And we don’t want to release the same album over and over again. For that we have Interpol.”
Some people do seem to find hope in Keenan’s words and pray for the album to at least come out during their lifetime. It seems like the Tool vocalist has a way to appease the public:
“Oh, don’t you worry about stuff like that! It’s obvious this music will wake the dead, make them speak in tongues, revive their bones to their prime years, refill their joints with synovial fluid and bestow immortality upon both body and soul!”
Is there any reason to doubt that statement?
We think not.
Beijing. China. We know for sure one leader is going to be happy!
Four years after it was first first reported that China was hiding its submarines in the South China Sea, it seems that scientists have traced back increased sea levels to this very same incident.
“It is not easy to live so close to Russia and North Korea”, Chinese Minister of Defense Sum Ting Wong declares. “Yeah, we make nice, but make no mistake, we know very well who we’re dealing with.”
Apparently some internal issues have been caused after the disclosure of the submarines’ location disturbed global indifference on Sunday morning. “I told my colleague Dim Wit to distribute the submarines better. I told him to direct some to the East as well, but he didn’t want to listen.”
Other nations are receiving the news with a lot of excitement! “It was clear from the get go, that global warming was a manipulative strategy to keep our focus from what’s really important. Now that we know for certain that all of this was a lie, we can go ahead and live our lives free of segredated garbage. Christ! What type of racist garbage world do we live in anyway?”, Red Neck, a supported of the American Conservative Party states, shooting his gun in the air from increased levels of excitement.
We’re still waiting for Donald Trump to make a statement. Bets can be placed already on what statement that would be.
We’re gonna go with “AI TO YU SO”.
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.
Dublin. Ireland. Three days after Christmas Mr. Claus was traced down to a shabby pub North of Dublin. While he was enjoying a well deserved glass of whiskey after yet another world tour of generosity, two police agents sat down next to him. He sort of knew he was in trouble right away. “I’m old, not stupid… You’re here cuz of the sugar business right?” The agents nodded.
Turns out Santa Claus is supplying the world`s children with sweets, chocolate, and all sorts of sugary cookies as part of a global deal between him and dental healthcare providers. And with so many sugarloving kiddies all over the world, business is booming.
“It was just one dental clinic at first. I needed some extra cash for the Salvation Army. I wanted to be able to reach out to poor children and get them something nice for Christmas, and then the ball started rolling, wind got out and here I am, having an interview with you. And for what? It was a 20%-80% kind of deal…. Capitalists!”
The police agents grew soft as they saw Santa crying in his whiskey and offered him to work as an undercover agent, in an attempt to bring down the dental mafia from within. Santa said he needed at least 2 months to think about it, as he really doesn´t want to get involved in more drama. “Even with the dental deal there´s so many kids I don´t manage to get to. They wait for me every year and I keep telling myself it is the last one they’ll wait in vain.”
The agents ordered a glass of whatever Santa was having and looked at each other before reasuring him: “You do your thing, sir. We´ll take care of the Tooth Fairy Mobsters. This conversation never happened.”
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on a great idea by Anonymous.
Eye. United Kingdom. Area man Robert Seethrough was diagnosed with colour blindness early Friday morning after he was rushed to the hospital following an entire week of seriously bad choices. Mr. Seethrough had reportedly quit his job as a pilot in order to join the village gang “Sheep Slayers“, has set his living room on fire as part of an initiation ritual, after which he asked his neighbor’s wife out on date resulting in not one, but two black eyes. Last, but not least he also decided to invest his life savings in the financial stability of the National Lottery and paint his house neon yellow.
“I didn’t understand that what I did was wrong!”, Mr. Seethrough explained. “I did notice some flags before making my choices, but they all seemed green to me!”
With 8% of males of Northern European descent affected by some form of colour blindness, Mr. Seethrough’s actions and the motivation behind them seem understandable.
“I thank God, that I was able to drive and get my pilot’s licence without any incidents. Thinking back about all the lives I put in danger and saved at the same time, I can’t help, but think of my self as a small town hero!”
Apparently, the authorities thought otherwise after hearing Mr. Seethrough’s declarations and stripped him of his pilot’s licence. However, they were determined to show leniency toward the poor chap and let him keep his driving licence (as most of the inhabitants of the village are sheep and cows anyways).
With a lot of time to think about his affliction and the consequences of his actions, Mr. Seethrough was escorted home by a cute and empathetic nurse, which he surprisingly knew better than to hit on. After the unexpected diagnosis, Mr. Seethrough is fully aware that some things that seem green, are actually alarmingly red.
Not bad, Mr. Seethrough. Not bad.
Barcelona. Spain. Arguably the most hideous creature to walk God’s green Earth, the Chihuahua, seems to belong to the Canis lupus familiaris subspecies, studies reveal. Despite all evidence (and all common sense), the Chihuahua, somehow, seems to have genetically won its spot alongside … other dogs.
“We have no reasonable explanation for this”, Canine Biologist Ph.D. Denzel Woof confessed. “It neither walks, nor talks like a dog, and although far from us be the intent to body shame a quadruped…I mean…look at it”, he continued.
We did look at it and have almost gone blind. Its eyes, its legs, its pointy nose, its tiny body, not to mention its squeaky bark – all of it – had us almost fooled that it belonged to another category of mammals, namely rodents.
“It is very easy to make this mistake,” Ph.D. Woof continued, “as all obvious evidence seems to point to it, but upon closer consideration we have come to find that the Chihuahua is a dog. We plan to leave the hard work to psychologists, though. It is now in their hands to establish the reasons behind the human wish to care and share with these creatures. No offense, we love all animals. Sort of.”
Before close of business none of the psychologists we contacted were able to provide an answer to the aforementioned issue. We will try again tomorrow and follow up on the story. Meanwhile, take a deep breath and … just accept it.
Madrid. Spain. In order to celebrate 7 months in office, colleagues of Mr. Sánchez have started a fundraiser to buy their supervisor a nice Christmas present. Thinking of what could make Mr. Sánchez happy, the Spanish Ministers agreed that a new presidential jet would not be a bad idea to begin with.
“We didn’t want to go over the top, so we thought a new jet would be appropriate. Many times I heard Mr. Sánchez wishing for a new Air Force Juan with leather interior!,” Minister of Development José Luis Ábalos acknowledged.
The new Air Force Juan will be equipped with typical Catalan snacks and drinks: fuet, turrón and Cava will never be missing from its small but well equipped kitchen area. “We want to show the world that we can all live together in peace. That Callos and Cava go well together!”, the Presidential Chef Tiberio Flaco informs.
Everyone thinks that the President will be very happy with the present that was picked out for him: “A new Air Force Juan! A faster way to get to whichever region of Spain has independentist flare-ups. Things are starting to look better! We are looking forward to the new conflicts!”, Minister of Territorial Policy and Public Function Meritxell Batet i Lamaña declared.
Written by Ana-Maria Taut, based on an idea by Anonymous.
Oxford. United Kingdom. British scientists have released a report of the unwelcome truth that most of us came to intuit over time.”Every week for 24h straight, there is a natural phenomenon that cannot be eluded. Most of humans refer to it as Monday although in certain parts of the world the signifier may vary. The concept however is the same: a vicious time when all hopes and dreams of the weekend are washed away by the cruel reality of the workweek”, Susan Sontag, Time Specialist and Weekday Researcher explains.
After careful scientific observation we have come to the conclusion that this period of desolation occurs every 7 days and lasts a total of 24 hours, 8 of which you sleep. If you are lucky. “Since the beginning of time there have been days of rest and days of … less rest. Monday belongs to the latter category”, Trey O’Clock, Time Management Director of the Oxford Institute for Monday Research, informs. “Much as we tried to bend time, in most of the cases it seems very troublesome and cost-inefficient. Of course, there are ways and if you are interested you can read about it in the Monday Research Paper that comes out … you guessed … next Monday!”, Ph.D. Cronos Papadakis announces.
Despite the bad news, scientists do point out that there is hope and a way to deal with the 24 hours of weekly dread, namely to drink high quality coffee, practice Stoicism, go for a run and keep in mind that everything is temporary. Even Mondays.